ROCD - My Journey So Far

Hey All, So, I’ve always had patterns of ether initially having anxiety when I get dating someone or close to me and the anxiety has become so extreme I believed it to be my body telling me that it was not ‘right’ relationship so I ended so many of them. I have struggled with POCD thoughts in my past and got over them. But I’m back to the ROCD side of things. I met my current partner through work and we never had a honeymoon period. We talked consistently! One day I woke up and said. “I bet myself tomorrow that I’m going to start feeling anxiety”. Then wake up the next day and anxiety rises upon me. My partner knows my OCD and past obsessions. But now this is the killer. She is supportive and has taken so many blows from my OCD with confessions and compulsions. Currently I have this awful feeling all day that I’m so unhappy, irritated, slight anxiety about this relationship. I’m not checking but being drawn to others who are more attractive and I just have to look and I know I enjoy it and do this behind her back. But don’t get anxiety. I have this “knowing” that I am lying and not in the right relationship and continuing because it is easier to carry on than suffer with the abandonment of ending it. But I just find myself worrying about what if she finds out how i truly feel and issues. Now if someone was to read this and say to my back, you need to break up with her and let her go. I’d trigger and get anxious but I know I would only be getting anxious over the truth. But I’d get ‘what ifs’ if we broke up and I made the right decision or wrong decision. I know this is gonna follow me to every and next relationship until I find the one who does not make me anxious. Or work on myself. But I feel that everytime she wants to do something or more commitment I get the voice and the feeling of “I don’t want to” and when I agree and do it or other things I feel like such a liar! Some advice or similarly stories would be great please.

Relationship OCD

pickles516

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 37w

You are so not alone with this!! Literally reading this was like reliving my past. I’ve been with my boyfriend for over a year now and have done so much work on my ROCD through exposing and the biggest thing has been being honest with him. Not confessing, but being honest about the fact that you’re struggling. My boyfriend has sat through so many exposures with me and has even gotten really good at calling out my reassurance seeking. Being honest has lead me to have a partner who supports me in my journey, even when the ROCD is about him. I know it seems like the world is ending right now (believe me, I really do), but I just want you to know that you are not alone and you CAN do this. ERP has changed my life and my relationship (and yes there have been relapses along the way and I’ve nowhere near conquered it), but I believe in you. I believe in us. We got this.

vincenzokeez

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 37w

@Anonymous How can you be honest and not confess. If I am honestly feeling unhappy, then I would need to be honest that I am unhappy?

pickles516

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 37w

@vincenzokeez I always just tell my partner that I’m feeling sticky and that my OCD is really struggling. That way he can support me without me giving in to compulsions.

vincenzokeez

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 37w

@Anonymous That’s fair.

Brave through

Date posted: 37w

@Anonymous Hey i really need your help cause you seem to be aware about this. So my partner and i were on the verge of breaking up today and this is because i lied to him about something of the past where in the early days of our relationship i came back home and played a drinking game with a few of my friends where i made it clear i have a bf but also answered a sexual question with some guys name from that group not thinking too much cause i found him cute in the past but never did want anything to do about it and then i didnt mention this to my bf till today and he felt one extremely mad and that i cheated on him in a way and lied and was guilty and all i could think was yes i did find him cute and wanted his validation in the past and maybe even when i took his name for that question and never told my bf cause i was scared and it was true and that doesnt seen ocd its an actual action that caused this which means one not anxious intrusive thought and second actual feeling and action if validation and then i told my bf it was a mistake and all that but then that again means its not true and i was scared to tell him yes i liked that validation and he would leave me and he told me this that he would so because i was scared to be alone i said no pls dont and said i will change just to say and that j dont care enough just dont want to he alone and still liked that validation so this is not rocd right? I am in denial and not accepting that i am not okay and a bad person and scared to accept to self and bf cause then will breakup but if feel so and does so it already means so just delaying and will worsen? Pls pls help me!!!

Anonymous

Date posted: 37w

Hi there. I can relate so much to what you’re saying. I recently got engaged to a woman I love spending time with. I would be blessed to marry her, but I keep getting urges and compulsions to run away, pursue someone else, but I know from experience that won’t lead to something better. I recently realized a root cause of my irritation being I am still so angry at my mom for constantly irritating me growing up. I need to forgive her. I realized I was expecting to be with someone who never irritated me, which if possible, might not even be a good thing. So I think I found the root cause of why I want to run away from this amazing girl when I get irritated. That being said, the compulsions come often and it scares me, and tells me to pursue more attractive ppl because my fiancée and I won’t be happy together. Thanks for sharing. Hope this is encouraging

vincenzokeez

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 37w

@Anonymous Literally then as kissing my partner I just felt almost nothing and almost like empty and lying. I’ve stopped smoking weed about 2 months ago to stop my head from constantly thinking, I’m stopping drinking because I end up getting too truthful and confessing and I’ve taken off social media to stop seeing posts about “manipulators, liars, if you know you know” and stuff that makes me feel like the shoe fits and is reflecting my “truths”.

Brave through

Date posted: 37w

anonymous00001

Date posted: 21d

So your OCD was right all along

Firefly girl

Date posted: 25w

Rocd and Soocd

Every morning I wake up im always fixating on something and texting chat gpt, whether thats my relationship or my sexuality. I try so hard to resist it but I just can’t handle the uncertainty or the idea of hurting him or leading him on. We aren’t even official because in the past my rocd caused an issue between us where it led to him breaking up with me so now I have a fear of his intentions being ingenuine, especially because friends and family have called him a love bomber, saying he used me for attention, and narcissistic. This takes over me because I feel like I will never be able to be happy with him or trust myself or the relationship because of what other people say. I am very content on my own and single, this is the first relationship where i have experienced debilitating anxiety and doubt about the legitimacy of both of our feelings to the point where I cannot function. I’m trying so hard to not feed into it and not give it energy but I just hate the idea of leading him on or being inauthentic to what I truly want. My current therapist who I only see a couple times a month doesn’t think I have ocd, which makes me spiral and think I should end it with him, especially because I always hear things like “The right relationship will add to your life” and I feel the opposite is happening not directly because of him but because my brain takes over and paralyzes me with indecision about if i should be with him or not. I know that his intentions are genuine, but I hate that everyone is so cynical and assumes they’re not just because my rocd and his emotional baggage created a messy situation. From the moment i met him I convinced myself it was too good to be true and my therapist even said I was self-sabatoging. But i hate not knowing if it is rocd and my insurance doesn’t cover NOCD. He is so patient with me and supportive but I keep hearing things like “the honeymoon stage is supposed to last 3 months” and “it shouldn’t be this hard with the right person” “you’re not good for each other” and my friends tell me i didnt do anything wrong etc bc he did at first say my ocd didnt affect him when in reality that led to him ending it initially. But he has been more upfront with his emotions but then my mom and people will say “more to come” “there’s so much more out there” and its just so isolating not having that support and wondering if im too young to settle and if I’m just an idiot convincing myself I have rocd when really i just don’t want to be with him/it is a toxic relationship. When in reality the only reason it is toxic is because i am so sporadic about whether or not I want him in my life because of my distrust in myself and my decisions. I love him but I know love isn’t always enough and I get existential fixating on what’s “meant to be” and what’s “supposed to happen” its like this debilitating urge to control everything and make everything go perfectly how it is supposed to go. Please help i just want to make the right decision and stop paralyzing myself with doubt

mindofzara

Date posted: 12w

ROCD pains

Hi all, I’m quite new to the whole ROCD thing as I was just diagnosed after years of thinking I just “wasn’t meant for love/dating” because of how horribly I would spiral into a depressive, extremely dread-filled and horrifically anxious state of mind and immediately cut it off during the talking stage with guys. After breaking up with a guy who I truly liked and cared for TWICE, I was finally diagnosed with OCD and it all really makes sense now. It feels weird trying to explain it to others though… I don’t know if I’m alone in these feelings, but it feels like every time I start talking to a guy—usually after the first date but the worries are extreme even in the beginning when I perceive that they are starting to like me—I end up in this major depressive episode where I don’t feel real or like myself, I can’t take care of myself, I’m either hysterically crying or I feel numb, I feel completely trapped (even if we’re not officially dating yet), I question everything in case I’m missing a red flag of some kind or some hint that this person isn’t right for me (even with simple things like a guy giving me flowers, I end up thinking “is this moving too fast? Is he being weird? Is this love bombing? What if he has an ulterior motive? Why did he really give me these?” when logically I know it’s probably nothing) I feel like I’m always looking for evidence to see if they are secretly weird, if we aren’t compatible (always “casually” ask them to take the Myers-Briggs Personality Test to try to find out as much information as humanly possible right off the bat due to fear of being stuck with them only after realizing their real personality) It then typically escalates to a point where I never want to check my phone in fear that they texted me, I feel smothered from any communication, I wish for them to break up/break it off with me, the thought of them just icks me out and almost disgusts me, I can’t get out of bed, I can’t stomach going out with friends or family of theirs, and I usually need to introduce 24/7 drugs of some kind (weed and nicotine) to my daily routine to cope with the feelings/use it to eat something because I can’t eat when I’m with them/due to the anxiety around dating them. With the man I just broke up with FOR THE SECOND TIME AFTER A WEEK OF DATING, it had gotten to a point—as it always does—where the pain of trying to be with them is greater than my appreciation for them. I might smile at my phone when they text me and be full of joy around them, but the portion of time when I’m NOT around them and left to just think about the relationship or observing how they are behaving rather than being in the moment is just too much. Once I break it off though, it feels like a bag has been lifted over my head and I’m finally back to my normal self. I usually need a couple days to emotionally recover, and then I’m up and cleaning my home, taking care of myself, and back to making plans with others. I feel lonely then and might miss them, but I know it’s just not fair to ANYONE right now to date someone like me. Is this relatable? Do I sound crazy? - Z

Relationship OCD

Pandora_2003

Date posted: 6w

my experience

i have always been a pretty doubtful and overthinking person all my life, but i have never had bad ocd until something happened in my current relationship i met my boyfriend senior year of highschool, we started off as friends first but then would text all night and found out we have a lot in common, he still lived at his parents house at the time, i'd go over to his or he'd come over to mine sometimes, your typical teen romance story, my rocd didn't start acting up till we started getting serious fast forward to when i started working at my old job and met this guy who pretty much love bombed me, i didn't know it at the time, and so i lost myself during that time trying to balance everyone's feelings, i ended up hurting my current boyfriend really badly and ever since ive had raging rocd, every second of every day i cut this guy off and me and my boyfriend are still together, working it out, and then two christmases ago he gets kicked out of his house, and starts living with me and my family, a huge change i wasn't ready for but it happened my family loves my boyfriend, everyone i've ever introduced him to also does, he truly is an angel, he's so sweet and good to me, i've met all his friends and he's met mine, i could picture a life with him, but currently my rocd is too much to bear, id be better alone but im so deep in this now it's crippling, i can't hangout with my friends without rocd, cant wake up without rocd, cant think of anything without rocd, i cant eat or sleep, life feels like it's no longer real, the relief of breaking up with my boyfriend would free me, but i cant bring myself to, ive tried multiple times, i might just be a coward because i dont want to hurt him again, i dont want to lose him, but ive lost myself, this rocd is driving me insane lets say I break up with my boyfriend, he already got kicked out of his old house and I do not want him to have to feel like he's got to be kicked out again, this is his home now and I just couldn't do that to him, my family would lose someone they see as a son, and I would have to watch him move his stuff which would make me so sad because I care so much for him, I would even move out just so he doesn't have to the thing is I really can't put myself through this anymore, I have to put myself first or this will kill me, idk what to do maybe i could talk to him about how bad my ocd is, tell him that i really have tried to push through but i need a break, maybe we could be friends and work it out? i hope so

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ROCD - My Journey So Far

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