im scared i dont have ocd

(please read if you have advice :( ) I wanted to start this thread off by saying, I am trying my hardest to not ask for reassurance. Anyways, ever since a kid I’ve been very hyper sexual, I don’t really remember the first memory or incident that caused this, but I do remember growing up , having unrestricted Internet, access, and other kids doing things to me, whether it was a cousin, family, friend, or friend at school, and also walking in on family members doing things that children should not be seeing(sometimes the family didn’t care to not let me see :( )I would self pleasure all the time, even in inappropriate areas. Whether it was at school, around family, and I even would go on Omegle at the young age of nine and talk to old men. Throughout my whole life I have just been very hyper sexual, which is hard to deal with ever since I got diagnosed with OCD, as my brain sexualizes, even my intrusive thoughts. The thoughts revolve around my family, my pets, and kids. Self Pleasure has become a compulsion, something that has become extremely repetitive, as I use it to ease the intrusive thoughts and groinal responses, but it doesn’t work therefore it just puts me in a loop. I do not want to harm anybody and I sure as hell do not want to be attracted to these things. But in the moment, the sensations and thoughts feel like this is something I actually want. It’s hard for me to feel content with this being OCD given the history of my childhood and even growing up while being a teenager. I really just want all of this to go away as it is mental torture for me. This has been going on for years, specifically the OCD as I got diagnosed with it when I was 15. I don’t know what was going on before I got diagnosed, I can only assume it was OCD also. I really just don’t know what to do, I’m scared to talk to therapist, even though I have talked to one before, it’s just that therapist with someone I was extremely comfortable with, but unfortunately had to stop speaking with them. This OCD stuff just feels so real, it comes with feelings, sensations, thoughts, urges, that feel extremely real. I would rather take myself off this earth than hurt anybody in any of those ways. I feel like I’m lying to you, as if I am a fraud, hiding behind OCD. Any advice is welcome thank you for reading if you have.

POCD

ihatemyocdso...

Date posted: 34w

Thank you for sharing this! I can relate to you in so many ways. This is a very painful situation. My childhood was unfortunately like this. You are not alone. Every day is hard for me. It feels like I am always doing, thinking, or feeling something wrong. I feel so unworthy of everything I have. This is not advice 😭 just what I feel.

nae nae

Date posted: 34w

I relate to this so much🥲 I believe there is a future for us, though, and a bright one at that. Please, be gentle with yourself. I know it's difficult right now. There's so much shame and guilt that comes along with these thoughts. It'll take a lot of healing, but it's something we're all capable of. :)

dee012

Date posted: 34w

@llalala it’s okay! ur comment is much appreciated either way. thank you for ur kind words. im glad to know there are others that relate and can feel like they have someone to relate to. we will get better :)

ihatemyocdso...

Date posted: 34w

@dee012 ❤️‍🩹

ughhhh

Date posted: 34w

Ive had the same experience growing up(almost) especially unrestricted internet access when i was just toooo young. Its hard to move on from things like this especially because your thoughts and memories attach itself to them. My only advice is that to forgive yourself, give yourself grace, practice A lot of self care and love yourself. Used coping techniques and reminder yourself that you’re not your past anymore and for sure not your thoughts. Lots of support to you 🙏🩵

dee012

Date posted: 34w

@ughhhh i am trying and will continue to try! it’s just hard especially if there’s some things you’ve done that you regret. thank you for ur kind words :)

nae nae

Date posted: 34w

First of all, I'm so sorry you had to go through that as a child. I went through a very similar situation as a child, but the memories didn't resurface until recently, and it's been mental torture ever since. I know how real it can feel, but please don't feel like there isn't a place for you here. I believe recovery is possible, for both of us. Are you currently seeing a therapist?

dee012

Date posted: 34w

@nae nae thank you for ur comment, and im sorry for what you’ve had to go through. i am currently not, i use to but i was very comfortable with that therapist it’s just unfortunately i had to stop seeing her. idk who to go to as im scared to talk to anyone new

briynez

Date posted: 34w

It’s okay. It’s good that you acknowledge that these behaviors are harmful, so is every other compulsion that ocd can take form in. Like all of us we must try find a way to resist our urges and seeking care. We’re just sick people getting help :)

dee012

Date posted: 34w

@briynez I just get scared it’s the bad type of sick, you know, that bad people are. Not OCD sick. :(

anonymous2580

Date posted: 25w

Remembering things from my childhood

(20f) I have been dealing with severe OCD symptoms for as long as I can remember. I recently got diagnosed about a year ago, and even though I know that these thoughts are probably my ocd, I still cant shake them. Growing up I was always very sexually curious. I was sheltered from a lot of things, as I went to a private school and things like sexuality and sex were never talked about. I remember doing some weird sexual things growing up (never affecting another person), looking up taboo sexual things, etc. I always seemed to become aroused no matter what the situation was, even if I just saw someone getting changed. I have no recollection of being SA'd, so i'm wondering where this all came from? Was I just curious and wanted to experiment and try different things? Or am I really a pervert, pedophile, etc. I have all these thoughts racing through my head and it's killing me. Everything I did as a kid I look back on and am disgusted, as those don't align with my views at all today. I never thought growing up thinking these things were wrong, or actually realize what they were until I got older. I'd like to think it was just my curiosity, but i'm not sure. What if i'm in denial and actually do like these things? I just need to know if theres something wrong w me, I cant keep going on like this. Could really use some advice.

Legends123.

Date posted: 22w

Please help

Hello everyone, forgive my bad English since it is not my native language, I have been suffering from OCD for 6 years now. It started with being afraid of harming my loved ones and soon it escalated. All of this leads us here towards sexual obsessions. I was abused many times when I was a child. I don't know if that had any impact on my sexual issues. so everything lead up to a intrusive tought of what would happend if i touch myself with a picture of your parents" and I ended up paying attention to the intrusive tought and i ended up doing what my intrusive tought told me so i said to me "OCD would make me touch myself for everything i loved so what, i would do it before the anxiety attacks" and I end up in a spiral of having touched myself by several photos of my family members, friends and even my own therapist all wanting to prevent future compulsions and anxiety now I only think about taking my life, I never wanted that to happen I am not a monster who has sexual desire towards my loved ones I fell under my own intrusive thought and the only thing I think about now is taking my life life for what I've done

SunnyAnon

Date posted: 22w

dealing with OCD flashbacks 18+

i currently am getting over my period and have been having a horrible flashbacks from some real events. it’s a amalgamation of all of the horrible things i did as a child/young teenager. all of it associated with p0rnography + sexual activities i did. i was exposed to sexual activity very young and it lead me down a dark path. i’ve had OCD forever it seems. it’s hard because i can see that i’ve had OCD symptoms since childhood but i constantly doubt wether or not my actions where because of OCD or something i genuinely wanted/was attracted to. i can’t seem to differentiate the two and it’s scaring me. i’m worried i was genuinely into the kind of stuff and it’s constantly flashing in my mind the last two days of things i compulsively did years ago. to be absolutely clear it has been years since i’ve even thought about those taboo things or saw anything of that sort. i’m talking 5 or 6 years give or take. it still feels like yesterday. in recent years i’ve completely pulled away from p0rn and now find it and s3x a lot less appealing. but every so often i get these intense flashbacks on things i did or saw or thought and it puts everything on hold. everything im interested in gets but on the back burner in fear of my intrusive thoughts being thrown into the mix. currently experiencing that now. im mortified of ruining everything i love because of these stupid thoughts. does anyone have any advice or experience with this specifically and have any tips???

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