Guilt about rumination

Hey yall I had a question. Does anyone else feel super guilty when they ruminate over someone that is not your partner? I have a co worker who reminds me of my narcissistic abusive toxic ex of 5 years and I don’t think I have fully healed from that relationship yet but I have been with my fiance for 3 years and he is the most wonderful, kind, and supportive person in my life. Ever since this fo worker started working I have all the anxious feelings about him that I did with my ex and I always feel so guilty about it. I have dreams about this co worker and when I do it makes it so much worse. But I realized that I don’t like him but I like the toxicness he reminds me of because of my narc ex. I just feel so guilty because my fiance is not toxic and is so mentally healthy but I feel so much guilt that I think about this person who reminds me of my ex. I don’t even think about the ex all the feelings have been transferred onto my co worker like it’s happening all over again if that makes sense. Does anyone else feel extreme guilt over something like this? And on top of it I feel like I have to confess to my partner about it because if I don’t I feel like I’m cheating on him or I don’t love him anymore because that toxic type of love is the only love I knew in a relationship so I’m trying to unlearn that. Anyone else go through something similar or just feel the guilt associated with ruminating over someone else when you’re in a relationship?

Relationship OCD

pureolife

Date posted: 34w

It sounds like you experienced abuse and this person is very triggering of that past abuse. You don’t need to feel guilty. You need to give yourself some extra love and understanding. What you’re going through is retraumatizing. I don’t think you need to “confess” anything to your fiance. But it’s okay to ask for support. You say they aren’t toxic and your relationship is healthy. A healthy relationship means when one partner is getting triggered on a regular basis about past trauma, they offer support and care and understanding. If there’s any way to spend less time around this coworker, you should. But I know that’s not always possible. If you’re in therapy, it would be great to work with your therapist on creating exercises you can do to remind yourself that this person isn’t him and this is not then. Stay in the present moment as much as possible and see them for who they are, which is an entirely different person.

NeeweeKeewee

Date posted: 29w

I feel this way about my ex but in a different way. He was my longest relationship but it ended three years ago, I think about him all of the time and still miss him. I never ended up with anyone else after those three years (I dated around but no one ever stuck out to me, they two-timed me, or they had other more important things in life). I really put that relationship on a pedestal because after we broke up and I started dating again, I’ve been harassed, groped, assaulted, lied to, and so much more. I felt like a total failure because he was able to meet someone and move on in less than a year whereas for me, it feels almost impossible.

sunbear28

Date posted: 24w

Irrational Guilt in 5 month relationship

Ive been having terrible irrational thoughts that Ive cheated and don’t remember. Like the guilt made me repress the memory and im actually an awful person and someone’s gonna expose me. I know it’s not true and I love my boyfriend more than anything but i feel so guilty for something ive never done. its been making my life so difficult and i dont know how to explain it without sounding like im covering something up :( Its making me think that I need to break up and i don’t want too, but the guilt and anxiety is eating away at me. I feel like I need to get better before I continue on or i’m going to permanently ruin everything with my mental illness

mary_22

Date posted: 23w

is it ROCD?

i saw my ex yesterday unexpectedly on the bus on the way home and it triggered me, we stopped talking abruptly and it didn’t end well, i felt immediately guilty for feeling like that and i told my boyfriend. today i thought about it too and felt this strange unsettling feeling, i feel guilty even thinking about it, i just want to stop thinking and ruminating, i was like “what if i wanna go back with him? why do i keep thinking this?” and i felt horrible, i just want some rest, what do you suggest? does it happen to you too?

Relationship OCD

Bonzo82

Date posted: 23w

Guilt over memories

I had a life before I was with my partner, that involved having girlfriends and one night stands, etc. That's a lifetime of memories that I now feel guilty for having. Something as silly as watching a TV show with my girlfriend will make me think "I used to watch this show with an ex, is it ok to watch it with my current girlfriend?" and I will feel real guilt over it and need to seek her reassurance. There are other memories, about "intimate" times, that sometimes come into my head and I have urges to share them with my girlfriend to alleviate the guilt I feel for having the memory. Fundamentally, I feel guilty every time I have a memory of an ex, often regardless of the content. I feel like I shouldn't have thoughts of anyone else other than my current partner and it's wrong to have memories of exes. When I do, I feel guilty, ruminate, then have the uncontrollable urge to share the memories with her. She gets upset, I get upset, but also feel relief that I've shared. Does anyone have any similar experiences and/or tips around this sort of issue? Thanks.

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Guilt about rumination

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