please please answer.

its so annoying. the anxiety is like gone? but i am constantly looking at people now making sure i am attracted to someone or not and i feel like i am forcing myself to say people are attractive (aka men - the people i usually am attracted to). its so fucking annoying

@allyocd Yeah my anxiety has been gone for awhile. Dealing with it for almost 3 years. Anxiety has been gone and my symptoms have morphed into basically just these type of arousal, attraction type feelings. Feels like I want or a desire. Shit is confusing. Nice to talk to people that understand.

@ejpwolfpack - 100% im here if you need to talk

@allyocd Would love to hear some more of your story and would totally be cool to share mine as well

@ejpwolfpack - I’ve been dealing with it for years on and off. For 2 and half years, I was HOCD free and then one night in a month or so ago, I was watching tv and I thought someone was pretty and it was all over from there. I know how I feel when I go through this and now it feels different, feels like I’m actually gay and I can’t come out. I hate it. Hbu?

@allyocd It’s the theme that lead to me getting my diagnosis. I’ve had a past with existential and health ocd. It just never stuck like this has. I had a weird dream that lead to all this and it’s been going on for 3 years since then. I have good and bad days and I’ve honestly come a long way. I’ve done erp for it and have seen tons of progress but then ocd always finds new ways to keep me stuck so I understand the whole feeling like it’s different. The only thing that keeps me stuck now is feelings. But I don’t get anxiety anymore or any other negative feelings, it’s like I’m numb to them now or something. Now it’s exactly how you described it where it feels likes it me, feelings like I’m actually gay. I get some much false attraction and arousal type of sensations that feel like I want them or it’s my true desire. I don’t get the gronial anymore, I got through that with ERP. But it’s crazy ocd has just morphed into stuff that I feel like there’s no way it’s ocd.

@ejpwolfpack - Yeah I don’t get like gronials at all, it’s just the feeling of being gay. Like this is it and my life is constant lying and hiding now. I just went my life back.

@allyocd Yeah same with me, literally all feelings. Same, SO-ocd took college football from me, relationships, peace. I used to pride my self on being confident in who I was. I used to be girl crazy. Now it’s like that part of me never existed.

@ejpwolfpack - exactly the same thing for me. i hate this

@allyocd What other symptoms have you been dealing with?

@ejpwolfpack - i am constantly thinking that i have been surpressing my true self all these years and not actually have HOCD, i ruminate all the time, i have this constant weight on my chest, i just feel like i am gay and dont want to come out. i cry everday because i feel like i am ruining my life and everyone elses. i hope this resonates with you

@allyocd I understand it all to well. Everything I worry about now is based on those types of feelings. All the false attraction shit just feels like it’s all coming from and that I desire it. Constant doubt about real and true feelings I felt for women before all this started. It just feels so true for me like I genuinely want it, and to top it all off, no anxiety which then drives me into this rumination cycle of wondering if it’s just really my true self now. I just feel numb all the time and like I’m lying about who I am around everyone. I resonate with all of it

@allyocd That feeling of being gay will engulf me. It’s so strong, sometimes feels like excitement which will send me even more into rumination. It used to be all I got but ocd continues to morph which is why now mainly it’s attraction type of feelings I get now. It’s just shit I can’t wrap my head around.

@ejpwolfpack Literally same. I hate this so much

thank you for your comment. it really feels like i am stuck and everyone keeps telling me this isnt forever but i cant help but think it is.

@allyocd Trust me i was in your same exact situation and i know it hurts and i wont lie it can cause certain scars but theres hope. You gotta go through the exposures and therapy tools

@SirSalt - Okay thank you so much. It’s hard but I’m trying. It’s like my body is screaming at me that I’m gay and it gets me so anxious. I can’t sleep or eat bc it feels like I’m living a lie

@allyocd My heart goes put to you and i remember my first big flare up where i was loosing weight and feeling like everything is crumbling apart. The secret that OCD doesn’t wanna let you know is that it really has no power, its a liar, it scares you only to feed itself. The real secret sauce is to to not let it scare you anymore by going and training your brain that the “threat” which was scaring you, was never even real to begin with. And then you can get back to living your life

@SirSalt - Okay so listen to my body and say im gay and not freak out??

@allyocd Yeah along those lines, sounds scary and impossible right? Like every fiber of your being is shouting “danger danger!” But you need to show your brain that the danger isnt real. Its important to have a safety net and my safety net is “if it was a real thing, i wouldnt be seeking help”

@SirSalt - Okay I see I see, thank you. One more question and I hate to bother you and prob just trying to get reassurance and I get it if you don’t want to answer. When I say that, it feels like it’s right. It feels like the real me and I don’t want it to be real though. That’s what scares me immensely

@allyocd Thats pretty tricky to answer because OCD thrives off reassurance and trust me its very hard not to give reassurance because i sympathize so much, but if it irrationally scares you, its most likely OCD. I still very much reccomend you get in touch with a professional therapist to help you do exposures in safe and effective way, only if you can afford it or your healthcare covers it. And no, you aren’t bothering lol

@SirSalt - Thank you so much. I really appreciate it.