- Date posted
- 34w
I don’t want it…
It feels like I have internalized homophobia but I don’t want that 😭
It feels like I have internalized homophobia but I don’t want that 😭
Rest assured this is So-ocd and not internalised homophobia. This is a very a very common thought for those of us who suffer with so-ocd. Just like any theme of ocd, this is attacking a core belief, which in this case (I am assuming from your post) is that you wouldn’t be or would never want to be homophobic to anyone (which would include yourself). That what ocd does. Remember if it starts with ‘what if’ it’s an intrusive thought put there by OCD
it feels like i accepted being gay and thats part of who i am but i still feel that tension and fake attraction whenever i see a man and i feel like i could be able to have a sexual intercourse with a man even though i dont want it is it still hocd or just denial? like i am feeling okey but there is still that doubt that how can i know that im not gay if i dont get disgusted by gay things or gay personality traits and at the same time i want to feel normal again like before
I had a bad rumination spiral yesterday and went to bed hoping I’d start over in the morning. I was wrong. I had dreams about liking women and not being attracted to men anymore and my entire body has been in a state of anxiety since. I genuinely feel like I’m gay and just need to accept it. I have this urge to accept it. Maybe if I do I’ll get some sort of relief because this feeling is awful. I feel like my brain is telling me that I’ll get relief if I just accept it and come out. The intrusive thoughts don’t even seem to be around sexual images anymore, just to come out.
I keep seeing tiktoks of things that are like ‘things I did as a lesbian in denial’ or ‘things my not so straight straight friend said’ and I feel like I might relate to some!! But idk!! It’s kinda triggering me. I’ve had this 5 years on and off now so when it comes back the whole well you’ve had it so long you must be gay comes up. I have been with my boyfriend almost 6 years and i love him so much I don’t want to be gay (nothing weong with it - I’m just not and don’t want to be!)
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