Username: andrea_sam730

Date posted: 4d ago

Self pleasure and intrusive thoughts :/

I’m sharing this bc I need advice or even support from anyone who can relate. If you can’t relate and don’t think you’ll say anything helpful or kind pls don’t comment anything… I’ve been struggling with somethings that’s making me question myself. There has been moments while self pleasuring when I get intrusive thoughts, in those moments it feels like I’m enjoying or even self pleasuring myself bc of the thought. Right after I immediately have an anxiety attack and my HEART drops bc it feels terrible I feel like a disgusting monster :( ppl have told me I haven’t done a bad bc of how intense my guilt and panic are but I keep thinking that MAYBE I made a horrible decision in the moment and the guilt is just realising that it’s just wrong this doesn’t make sense to me because I’ve always told myself that I would never act on this in 1 million years and I’ve been known that these things are wrong so I’m just like constantly questioning myself these feelings and exact same situation has happened two times already I even promised myself that I wouldn’t act on anything beforehand and yeah, I still felt like I did act on my thought during my alone time I’m genuinely convinced that I’m a horrible and it’s even got into the point where I don’t wanna be here anymore and I don’t even think this is my OCD :( tbh

POCD

Username: AnonymousAnonymous

Date posted: 4d ago

I think the human body can be conditioned to react to things in repeated ways, and things like watching porn or stuff like that can desensitize people to the reality of what they may or may not be getting off to. Porn addictions can lead people to really dark places without ocd or any other diagnosed mental illness. People can also be into things that that they would not want in reality, like having a r*pe/non-con fantasy, while other people might get intrusive thoughts about such things. I have had intrusive thoughts about stuff like that before I knew what intrusive thoughts were and then got into a weird place like what you are expressing here were because I was fixated on it and there was a physical response and it was just confusing as hell and felt bad. It becomes intrusive when it causes distress instead of being an active desire that you are genuinely pursing. Maybe taking a break from porn (if you watch porn), or taking a break from specific kinds of fantasizing (not because you are evil but just to give yourself a bit of a reset and space) and trying to reconnect to your sexuality and sensuality in a different way might help you view this with more clarity and be able to recognize when intrusive thoughts are happening vs when they aren’t. You clearly are distressed by this. I do think it is important to recognize when we may be doing things that unintentionally feed into ocd and intrusive thoughts and while thoughts do not cause harm by themselves they can obviously impact our actions and cause us distress when they are opposing our actual values. The fixation and fear is what is causing this to continue to happen though and get more confusing, thinking about it more will not fix the problem. Give yourself a break.

Username: Steven55!Steven55!

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 3d ago

I'm not a trained therapist, but based on my own journey this sounds like classic OCD. OCD loves to throw an intrusive thought during something like you're doing to negate the pleasurable moment. It may even intensify the orgasm. You need to tell yourself that it's not you. If you were some kind of a monster, you wouldn't be agonizing over it. It's OCD. OCD will do anything to ruin our day. This is all treatable with counseling from a trained OCD therapist who uses ERP therapy. Why not check with NOCD. They have many good affiliated therapists.

Username: andrea_sam730andrea_sam730

Date posted: 2d ago

@Steven55! Thank you guys did help me and a part of me which I could be able to believe it, but I genuinely feel like a really bad person and I’m just sitting here bawling my eyes out because I’ve never had a problem like this before and I keep having thoughts like I should’ve stopped. I could’ve stopped like I don’t know how to deal with this because I feel like if I just say maybe I did maybe I didn’t. I feel like that will not help me in the moment and now every time I hear a story about a pedo I will start feeling guilty as well and shame like feel like I have no other choice but to accept it because that’s how real it feels like

Username: Steven55!Steven55!

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 2d ago

@andrea_sam730 That's part of OCD, to make FEEL like it's all real or you're a bad person. All textbook OCD. In reality, a thought (which is also a feeling) is a thought is a thought. Period. It's not an action or a threat, only a thought. The English writer and philosopher, Samuel Johnson, wrote in the 18th century that "We all have thoughts that would shame hell." So true. The fact that you agonize over it proves you're not a monster. Monsters don't have conscience. Please consider therapy with a trained OCD therapist who uses ERP therapy. NOCD can find you a good match. And don't be afraid to tell your therapist everything you've described on this community board. Like priests in confessionals, they've heard it all before. Hope this helps.

Username: DownWithOCD51959DownWithOCD5...

Date posted: an hour ago

@andrea_sam730 - You are not alone. Please give yourself some grace. This is a struggle that’s more common than you’d think. You are not a bad person for having an intrusive thought. Please consider using a resource like NOCD to help. We are here for you. Please don’t give up. I believe in you.

Username: DownWithOCD51959DownWithOCD5...

Date posted: an hour ago

@DownWithOCD51959 - Also, it definitely seems like textbook OCD. You are NOT broken and NOT a monster.

Username: andrea_sam730andrea_sam730

Date posted: 49m ago

@DownWithOCD51959 Ty :/ everyone been saying this I hope one day I’ll believe it 😓🙏🏽 I’m trying to see if I can get hemp asap bc I can’t it no more I’m afraid this disorder might kill me one day 😓

Username: AnonymousAnonymous

Date posted: 4d ago

So I really firmly believe that you can’t hurt anyone with a thought or a feeling, only an action. What’s helped me a lot is learning to say “maybe I do get off to this. That doesn’t mean I would hurt somebody.” There’s a world of difference.

Username: andrea_sam730andrea_sam730

Date posted: 4d ago

@Anonymous Ty … but I’m afraid I can’t handle saying that to myself it’s such a horrible feeling and I’ve never experienced like anything as close to this like usually when I am having my alone time I’m able to push the thoughts away and just continue but I don’t know, like I genuinely feel like I acted on something really bad

Username: AnonymousAnonymous

Date posted: 4d ago

@andrea_sam730 I’ve been there before, and it’s a really scary feeling. I used to be terrified that I was aroused by thinking about kids. I’ve had to tell myself over and over that I haven’t hurt a kid and I wouldn’t hurt a kid and at the end of the day that’s what matters, but it’s still really scary. I hope it gets easier for you.

Username: andrea_sam730andrea_sam730

Date posted: 4d ago

@Anonymous OMGG actually? It feels good to know I’m not alone. This has been bothering me for the past couple of days and I’ve never gone through something like this before ever and I just questioned myself a lot lot like you know if this is truly my desire then I would’ve done this multiple times already, but I haven’t so I don’t know what the heck is going on with me. :/ and thank you I hope it gets better for you too 💕

Username: AnonymousAnonymous

Date posted: 3d ago

@andrea_sam730 Thoughts are thoughts and that’s it that’s what I always try to tell myself everyone in the world has them !! But us with ocd tend to latch on for no reason

Username: AnonymousAnonymous

Date posted: 3d ago

@andrea_sam730 I promise these thoughts are way WAY more common than you think 💖

Username: andrea_sam730andrea_sam730

Date posted: 3d ago

@Anonymous Yup I’m fully convinced that I’m actually a really bad person and I’m only feeling bad because like I’m reflecting at least that’s what it’s like in my mind :/ because every time I try to make sense of it, I feel like as if I’m in denial

Username: AnonymousAnonymous

Date posted: 3d ago

@andrea_sam730 You have to learn to stop trying to make sense of it. You have thoughts because brains come up with crazy stuff. You latched onto it because OCD does that. Any further analysis will likely get you sucked into the reassurance cycle. It takes practice, but you need to learn to say “yeah I had that thought” and then move on

Username: andrea_sam730andrea_sam730

Date posted: 3d ago

@Anonymous I’ll really try because I’m just thinking to myself why would I act on something that goes completely of who I am? That does not make sense to me at all so it feels really real and I’m just gonna continue on trying to sit with anxiety and move on. 😓

Username: Anonymous

Date posted: 24w ago

Nonstop intrusive thoughts

Hello, it’s been some time since I’ve been on this platform but I’m not sure where else I feel safe to talk about this. Every minute of every day, I have the most horrible intrusive thoughts imaginable and I am constantly disturbed and horrified with both these thoughts and myself. I understand that these thoughts don’t define who we are, but it constantly raises the moral questions of if my brain is capable of conjuring these thoughts, even if involuntarily, then what does that say about who I am. The only solace I have is that I’m always disgusted with these thoughts but I’m constantly afraid of being some kind of monster because I have these thoughts and I feel like a terrible person for having these intrusive thoughts. I am in therapy and on medication, but neither are making this any easier, at least not yet. I don’t intend on stopping either nor have I felt any urge to actually carry out these thoughts, but they haunt me every minute of every day and I can’t stop them.

Username: WannaBeANorm...

Date posted: 24w ago

It can't be OCD because of my mistakes with porn.

Huge trigger warning related to porn and pedophilia. Please don't read if it makes you uncomfortable. Thank you if you get to read this long post. Something awful happened recently. I was watching porn, I won't say what page because idk if it is allowed, but it is the most famous porn page there is, so you'd think you wouldn't find something so horrifying there. The problem is that one of the automatic pop ups that appeared really terrified me because the girl looked way too young. I'm not sure if she truly was underage, but she looked it, and I can't express how horrifying it is considering if she could have been. I feel like my mind is playing games with me. I can't tell if it was paranoia or reality. My memories are really fuzzy, as I was on a state of shock when I saw it. I remember feeling scared right away and trying to look up how to report it, but the page refreshed on it's own and I never saw the pop up again. I felt so gross for seeing that, and guilty for not reporting it. It was an accident, but I can't help but think that I enjoyed it and that it is my fault for watching porn at all. I am a monster. If this had happened to someone else I wouldn't question it so much, as I know that I didn't look at it on purpose and tried to do the right thing when I saw it. But I already hate myself because years back, when I was 16, I discovered loli. Which is really wrong drawings of young characters. And since then I've been obsessed with the topic and developed pocd. I never looked for those drawings again after that, I dont enjoy them. But I've accidentally found them again on the internet and it's made me feel disgusting and evil; but at least I had the certainty that it wasn't real, until now. I think that this is recent event is further proof of the monster that I already thought I was. After what happened, I immediately contacted a therapist, but tbh, I don't think that I'll ever move on from that. Life isn't looking good right now.

Username: Bleebloop

Date posted: 21w ago

Real Event and Sexual OCD

I think I just need to vent about this and hopefully I’ll feel better. When I was a teen (somewhere between 12 and 18, fuzzy about when exactly) I found some weird fetish porn. I didn’t even know what I was doing because my sex ed was terrible, but I ended up getting off to it. I remember being confused, scared, and VERY secretive. I ended up being funneled into a community that ultimately was very harmful for me as a young teen, one that I don’t think I would have been anywhere near if I hadn’t stumbled onto it. Now that I’m in my late 20s, I recognize that this was not a good situation. I think I was into it because it was paired with things I do like, because of the secrecy and anxiety, and just sheer exposure. But that doesn’t stop me from every once in a while being absolutely terrified that I secretly like it. It’s nerve wracking, because I wonder if I just convinced myself I didn’t like it because I assigned moral value to it. I had friends that thought it was disgusting. But at the end of the day, I didn’t stop because of other people, I stopped because I found myself not wanting it anymore. I just stopped wanting it. Now, I don’t want it. Even though I’ve done my best to remove the moral quantity to it, I just don’t want to do it and the thought makes me uncomfortable and icked out. So… yeah. I’ve talked to my therapist before. It was the first time I ever cried in therapy. I think I need to talk through it more. I’m comforted knowing I don’t want to act on any of the intrusive thoughts I get about it, but knowing that I did things when I was a teen makes it hard. I just have to remind myself I was a child, I know what was happening. But it’s hard

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Self pleasure and intrusive thoughts :/

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