- Date posted
- 31w
Religious/ Conspiratorial OCD
ANY AND ALL RESPONSES ARE GREATLY APPRECIATED I’ve enjoyed a relatively peaceful time without the interruption of intrusive thoughts. But a few days ago some old doubts reserved though with a different twist than before. In older posts, I talked about my sort of religious conspiratotial intrusive thoughts. They’re usually really specific and crazy questions. And then with these questions I’ll try to rule it out with biblical truths truths- which is know is a compulsion on my part but it’s hard to resist doing sometimes. I say try to rule the questions out because this method (like all compulsions) doesn’t really help at all- it just creates more questions. For instance, the ones I’ve been having lately that are all connected are like this: what if god wasn’t working alone when he made the world? What if the devil helped and he hadn’t actually been bad- what if god turned him bad? What if god has lied about everything? What if the only way to know would be to actually get in contact with the devil like with a ouiji board? And this particularly scares me because I then have thoughts such as what if I do? Which then I tell myself I know is bad since god tells us not mess with the occult. But then my conspiratorial thoughts make me question if it’s really actually bad to do, or if it’s just god trying to hide the “truth”? Basically it makes me wonder if doing that which has been said to be bad, is actually bad if it’s to find out the truth. And with this specifically, it’s not like it’s something that physically harms others- it’s only bad in a religious sense. I haven’t actually acted on the thought but I get scared of doing so. I just want to be 100% certain of my faith which I know is technically impossible. Even being an atheist is a faith of its own. But even regarding the future with what my religion basically believes to be perfection for humanity, the thoughts still come into play. To try and shut up the thoughts I’ll say to myself “I guess I’ll just know in the future” which ocd then responds to with “unless god just continues lying and you’ll never actually know the truth and you’ll basically be living in a matrix.” I just don’t really know what to do because sitting with the doubt is so uncomfortable. I want to be able to know the answers to my questions, but I know I can’t. I don’t believe in god providing direct answers now, but I feel like even if I were to receive those from him, I’d still just end up doubting that. It makes me scared too because then I don’t even know if it’s really OCD or just a problem with me at this point. I hate these thoughts because it really just makes me question so much and it really causes me anxiety. And I know it sounds really stupid and crazy - looking at it from an outside perspective- and that my whole issue is just in my head, but still it doesn’t stop the doubts from causing my distress.