Soocd or internalized homophobia

@Anonymous My therapist suggested erp and meds and I have been doing them but I have not gotten better at all I mean I identify as a straight cause I have liked girls and dated girls only but ever since I got triggered lost all my attraction and my minds constantly goes your gay or if I see a guy oh he’s hot he’s cute and lots of doubt

@ZapposAlt - Have you told your therapist that you don't feel you're making progress with you current treatment plan?

@Anonymous Yes I have that’s why I’m scared that I’m actually gay and that I’m denying it

@Anonymous I speak to her tomorrow but I don’t know what to do if I’m not feeling better and I’m constantly in doubt and have anxiety and have these thoughts and staring at dudes and my mind going oh there hot it must be that I’m denying it

@ZapposAlt - Have you gotten to your core fear around this? If [this] then I must be gay and if I'm gay then [that] and if [that] then [this] and so on to understand what the true foundation of the fear is? The few times I've done this with my therapist and played out the "worst case scenario" the core fear is often less startling than you would imagine but OCD twists and manipulates it until you can't even recognize it. For example, we worked out that the intrusive incestious thoughts I was having about my father (related to one specific jumping off point) was rooted in that I don't want to and I fear that I do or will immitate my mother. It's a lot easier to tell OCD that it doesn't get to leverage your fear of being like your mom to tell you x, y or z instead of trying to protest with OCD that you don't want to sleep with your father when it's telling you that you obviously must. I hope that makes sense in a concise example. I also wouldn't recommend getting to your core fear by yourself (for the first time if you haven't yet) but I would ask her if its something you could do together in your session maybe. So for you, one core fear might start with your hand being a certain way and another might start with something else, or there might be branches as you get further down the script but I really think it's worth doing if you haven't yet, with the support of your therapist. Even though you're not feeling better yet, please know that sticking with therapy is the best thing you can do to get your control back from OCD!

@Anonymous I have a question have you gotten over your ocd fear?

@Anonymous I just want my life back man I have a beautiful girlfriend and it really sucks that it feels like I’m forcing myself to be with her cause I don’t have emotions rn and the constant thoughts about men and all that I just want it to get better

@Anonymous And no I have not done anything like that what I have done so far is looking at a attractive thoughts and letting them come and sitting with the doubt till it goes down but still hasn’t really helped

@ZapposAlt - Have I gotten over my OCD fear. That's a hard question to answer because for me the themes are frequently changing and the goal isn't to "get over it" per se. I will say, I've been in therapy for only around three months now doing sessions twice a week and when an incestious thought arises, I can allow it to be there. I don't immediately spiral that I'm a horrible person, nor do I any longer allow OCD to tell me it's something I truly want. How it looks now, regarding thoughts about incest in particular is that I have a thought come up and I go "hmm, well I know where that's coming from" and I carry on with what I'm doing. If OCD is persistent that day (as sometimes it is), I have tools and scripts to combat it: "You don't get to use my fear of ending up like my mom to tell me..." or "You don't get to tell me I'm not my own person," and so forth. There are different strategies I'm learning and tools I'm adding to my toolbox. The severity of the thoughts have come down dramatically, the frequency has come down dramatically but I wouldn't say I'm over it but I feel like I can take on OCD (with more and more ease as the days go by and I stick with therapy and ERP). It might seem not very hopeful right now but there is a lot to look forward to on the otherside of conquering OCD.

@ZapposAlt - I think asking to do a core fear excercise, if your therapist agrees, might be really helpful. For me, I know it's been a huge help and has really helped me to depersonalize/de-"internalize" these thoughts and start seeing OCD as something separate from me and a bully who doesn't get to use the things I care about, my sense of self or any of my other values against me.

@Anonymous Anything advice you can give me cause for the last year I felt like I’ve been in denial even tho all my life I’ve been straight this little ocd shit started when my friends made me take a gay test and ever since it’s been horrible I just don’t want to live like this anymore and finally have feelings for the gender I prefer

@Anonymous Last question for you for me it’s really hard to accept these thoughts cause they can still be true that’s probably my biggest fear cause I have seen stories were the sufferer can be diagnosed with ocd and still be gay bi etc

@ZapposAlt - This is where I think the core fear exercise will be really helpful. You are playing out the "worst case scenario" - I am gay, why is that the worst case scenario? Because [fill in the blank]. And why would that be so bad? And so on. If I did this at ~14 year old when I first was having these thoughts about my sexual orientation, I'm almost certain that it wasn't being gay that I truly feared and I think, even though it may be hard to believe right now, that's true for you too.

@Anonymous What do you mean?

@Anonymous So what did you fear then if it wasn’t being gay

@ZapposAlt - I'm reluctant to give too many examples of what a sexual orientation core fear might look like for me just because there is no right or wrong core fear and I worry that offering that information might result in you checking against what I say to see if yours "measures up" and "checks out" for it being OCD and not internalized homophobia. The goal of doing the core fear exercise is not to prove or disprove your sexual orientation, it's to equip you with the tools you need to face the doubt. I would suggest doing it with your therapist without too much external input initially so you can get to *your* true core fear. I really do believe understanding yourself in this way and understanding how to use this information to combat OCD will make a huge difference for you as it did for me.

@Anonymous Do you thinks meds would help with it and then it will eventually go away

@Anonymous I don’t know the core fear it feels like many things but their all gay related it just feels like it’s never gonna get better and that I’m just gay in denial

@Anonymous I’m sorry for asking this I know I shouldn’t and this would make me feel better cause I have been super depressed about this when you say being gay is not your biggest fear and when you say it may be hard to believe right now that’s true for me too what do you mean by that I would like to know and I shall stop asking after thank you

@ZapposAlt - Here's a link to a YouTube video by NOCD explaining the exercise, what it is and how to identify and address your core fear: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1rnZC8dA1bU

@Anonymous I identify some of my core fears I have a question if I don’t identify my fears can I just take meds and erp then this will go away?

@ZapposAlt I don't know. I think that very much depends on the individual. For me, identifying my core fear(s) has made ERP easier. Good luck! Stick with therapy and things will start getting better!