Avoidant & Anxious Attachments/Post Break Up

My bf broke up with me, and after that I figured out what an avoidant was and that’s who he is but it was too late. He broke up with me because he couldn’t handle my emotions or anxiety, I was overwhelming him. This caused him so much pain, that was the last thing I wanted, for us to be apart and to hurt him. Our relationship became unhealthy. I wish I could’ve healed and then met him. I’m an anxious attachment and we put each other through a lot. He decided we should break up and he needed space from me. I miss him so much. I still love him so much. I want him to come back to me. If he comes back, how do I tell him that we need to have a long healing journey together? When I brought up my form of attachment at first he told me I had to fix it on my own and that it caused him too much pressure and stress, hence why he broke up with me. I don’t think he’s aware himself that he’s an avoidant. I really miss him and I wanted to work on this together, but he decided it was best to be apart while we figured out things for ourselves on our own. I want him to grow into the man he wants to become, even if I can’t be there for him during it. I’m afraid he finds someone else, because he’s the only person on my mind. Everything felt so real with him, so right, so pure. It was true love, we fell in love. I know deep down after I heal my feminine wounds, and my attachments, I’m still going to love him. Would it be selfish to reach out then? What if he’s moved on? What do I do?

Relationship OCD

Raptor_

Date posted: 37w

Give him a little space. Then tell him how you are in therapy, you’re taking active steps, and you’re committed to change. Give him a timeline to see improvement. Then if he says ok, do not constantly text or call; do give him space. Every now and then, make plans alone. Tell him you’re going out with friends or enroll in a new hobby or class. Limit your availability to see him. It’s really hard- I know. But see if you can do it. And it helps to like take the pressure off of this relationship- use it as an experiment. So like- the goal is for YOU to become more secure; not for you to marry this guy. So use this relationship for yourself to prove to yourself you can change. If it works with this guy, awesome! If not, you are changing for the better to bring an improved you into another relationship so you don’t repeat the same mistakes. Because let’s be honest- that’s the worst outcome- you not changing and bringing the same issues into every relationship. It doesn’t matter who you date then. So look at this one as either a lesson learned (if it’s over) or a change to actively change in real time.

appleSauce28

Date posted: 37w

@Raptor_ Thank you so much this makes a lot of sense. However we aren’t together anymore, but he told me he hopes in the future we’ll meet again. But I don’t want to give myself false hope or wait for him, it will only cause myself more pain. So for now, I need to move on.

Raptor_

Date posted: 37w

@kayla028 I’m sorry to hear that. You can cry and be sad- and still move on. Can I suggest Personal Development School on YouTube? It helped me a lot. She has a program you can pay for, but there are a lot of free videos on YouTube. Good luck!

abreeclarey

Date posted: 25w

Avoidance attachment fear

I’ve been seeing tons and tons of videos about avoidant attachments on TikTok a lot! And lieterally all day I was overthinking and crying. I’m not sure if I have avoidance attachment I never got deeper into the meaning of it until yesterday and I’ve seen so many comments about it. I’m starting to think what if I’m one? Is I am how do I change? I fear relationships, I am very independent and will only ask for help if needed. This God at my job likes me and I like the way he acts and he wants a relationship which I’ve already made a few post about him. When we went to church the second time I held his hands and hugged him but I still doubted his looks . He’s not ugly but I don’t think he’s my type so I apologized for holding his hands because I don’t want to lead him on. I have prayed multiple prayers if he’s the one for me. After seeing those avoidant attachment videos I’m afraid I act this way toward the guy that likes me. Then when I ask myself “well do you like him” I get filled with anxiety. I’m not rushing in a relationship but I want to love someone not just someone loving me. Please tell me someone understands.?

ninjastone

Date posted: 20w

My Partner has an Anxious Attachment Style

My partner has an anxious attachment style and it's been really hard for me.. I am polyamorous and so I usually see him half the week. He knew this going into a relationship with me but it seems he feels he never has enough time with me. I try so hard to make him happy. There was this one winter break I didn't make plans with anyone just so I could maximize my time with him and he was still unhappy. I'm trying to see my family again after fleeing for over 2 years because of an abusive family member I had. Its gonna require some of my time on the weekend and he said he'd support me but I'm scared to bring it up every time. He can't afford to see me as often anymore bc of the ware and tare on his car. I'm so worried I can't make him happy. He's even struggled with SH at times I've been gone. He says it's not my fault and it's a lot of factors but I can't help but to blame myself. I want to see more of my family again for the 1st time after 3 years next weekend, but I already have another commitment with my step dad. My partner is also always afraid I'm cheating on him, which I would never do. He's just been cheated on a lot in the past but it's hard for him. I just feel terrible about myself bc it feels impossible to make him happy. I don't really want to be judged for being poly, I just have relationship anxiety and I hope I'm not alone.

better1day

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 20w

Recent Break Up makes me regret

I’m disappointed and upset with myself. Growing up in an immigrant household that didn’t believe in therapy as much, I mostly only really took care of my mental health when it came to playing sports. I was not a great communicator when it came to my feelings or being vulnerable with my partners and friends.The world makes you feel like it’s normal to not say what you mean and that you have to be indirect with a lot of the things you say. It caused a lot of fights, hurt feelings, and words I should have never said between me and my recently ex girlfriend. We had broken up about a week ago, but today is the day she said she did not want to talk to me anymore. I wish I did more than journal and meditate. I wish I got treatment for my OCD earlier, or just any therapy at all. I wish I learned to be better at communication way before I met her. Maybe I wouldn’t have lost her, maybe if I had been more honest and more direct about my feelings, our fights wouldn’t have happened. I wish I could have been more for her. I wish I could have been more for myself. I wish I took mental health, growing, and healing more seriously. I am disappointed for my skepticism and being okay with stagnating as a person. I should have healed and addressed my issues sooner. I don’t know what else to do. I don’t know how to move on. It feels like I blew my one chance to be with the one person I really loved and the first partner I planned on something really long term with. I feel both the weight and pain of disappointment in myself, and losing her. I know the breakup is hitting her too, and I am worried about her wellbeing. They say there are 5 stages of grief, I wonder what stage this one is. And I wonder how long it’ll take me to just come to acceptance. I want to be better. I want to not hurt people I care about. I want to be the man I am supposed to become.

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Avoidant & Anxious Attachments/Post Break Up

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