Ocd

So I've had OCD since I was a child. Like really young. The first intrusive thought I can remember was when I was 5. It just keeps getting worse and lately they've been making me physically ill or throwing me into extreme panic attacks again ( ones where I can't move my body ) the other night I thought God was trying to kill me because I was thinking about ending myself from OCD+ life issues but in reality I was just having a panic attack😭😭it affects me daily. It gets a little better with therapy but I don't see therapy coming into my life any time soon and I'm not even sure if I would want to go (for multiple reasons). To wrap this up if you have severe ocd can you tell me what it's like?? I don't want to label anything without proper research and hearing others perspectives. Thank you!! <3 (My profile says all of my subtypes if that helps any)

Starting to think I have unresolved childhood trauma unfortunately. Health OCD is also driving my absolutely crazy but I'm too scared to go to my doctor. I worry about diabetes, illnesses, cancer, skin problems, etc. I just hope everything works out in the end. Right now I just can't do the things I love doing because I'm constantly worrying about everything. All of my worries are exacerbated and I just can't keep them away. They only come back.

I want to rip out my uterus. Only my hormones can make my OCD and ability to manage it go back to square one. I am spiraling *so* hard. I cannot breathe. My PMDD is going crazy. I’m having a panic attack again. I feel so scared. The POCD is going absolutely insane right now. It feels undeniably real, and my mind keeps drifting to those awful thoughts and what feels like exploring them?? but I can’t for the life of me stop some of these compulsions right now. I was trying to watch something to get my mind off of this but ended up getting triggered twice, so my anxiety is a 10 and I can’t seem to calm down. This panic attack is tuned all the way up.