Ocd

When i see something, get reminded of something or talk to someone that triggers my train of thoughts, i feel a sudden racing spike in my heart, a knot in my stomach, kind of like that nervous butterfly feeling you get when you’re on a rollercoaster thats about to go downhill, or when you get jump-scared. My hands start to sweat and i just want to remove myself from the situation asap, wishing i felt the way i did about 2 minutes ago when i was doing just fine and wasn’t overthinking for once. The OCD goes wild in my head, instant overanalysis, sending me down into a spiral, making me want to dig a hole and hide in there until i somehow manage to persuade myself im not a bad person before I can go about with my day with ease again.

I’ve been feeling really really depressed the past few days due to health concerns. I’ve been really feeling down like not wanting to be here anymore and it’s scaring me. I was in the doctor’s office this morning and I got a scary thought that said maybe I should just k*ll someone in here instead of k*lling myself. Then the thoughts continued… this man walked past and I thought “hurt him” I obviously wouldn’t want to hurt anyone let alone a bug on the sidewalk, but the thoughts began to overtake me and I had a panic attack. It’s still bothering me and I’m still scared it’s real and that I’m going crazy. This happens to me a lot after I watch a documentary about someone who hurt someone else. I begin to think I am somehow going to go crazy like the person in the documentary and hurt someone. Although I don’t want to .. I would never ever want to hurt anyone.

My health concern OCD has been getting A LOT worse in the last days. I'm always panicking about having some serious illness, and I have yet again come to the point where I can't understand if I feel actually unwell or if it's just my mind. I'm under a lot of stress these days, I have some big changes coming up, and I know this is my way of coping, but it's tiring