it feels like i want to be a boy. i really dont i keep having these what i hope to be false feelings and they suck. oddly enough they make me feel more like a girl again so its a weird win win situation. i want to be fine again i wanna be that girl again. it just feels like i’ll never be and i just have to be a boy i hate it all
i miss me.
I’ve had such a wild and horrible ride with this obsession. You have to stop fighting it, and answering it. It was by far my scariest obsession and was the one that completely sent me over the edge not sleeping at night scared to death of that happening. Idk about you but mine made me feel like it was happening whether i had a choice or not like all of a sudden i was going to morph into a man. I know it sounds extreme, but i swear that was the psychosis part when it got so bad. Im right there with you!!
@bebecoll30 thats how i feel
@bebecoll30 Wait no that’s psychosis?? I’ve had some sort of weird “hallucinations” about this theme too 😭😭
@dianasjourney Take what i said with a grain of salt. I missed so much sleep and my body was in such a current state of stress that i do think i was suffering from high anxiety induced psychosis it was like my brain was numbing out to protect me. After all that’s all ocd really is, an overactive brain trying to protect us.
@dianasjourney I also want to be clear that i did not ever hallucinate. I never actually saw or heard things that were not there. It was all a mind game, which is classic ocd.
@bebecoll30 Those exact factors are what made it worse for me too!! When I say hallucinations I mean my brain would convince me I saw something that I did not or felt something I did not. For example, there was this one night were I was working late on my laptop and I was wearing a tshirt. My brain went “look you have man arms” and it made some see them as bigger and more hairy than they are. Oddly enough this one instance I just ignored.
@dianasjourney I’ve had this EXACT thought regarding the man arms!! i was super hyper aware of my arm hair because of it
@bebecoll30 Good to know I’m not the only one ig
I had a small bout of this obsession a while back. It came out of nowhere and the more I thought about it and did mental compulsions to check, the more I became convinced it was real. Sure, I guess it could be real for me. But once I stopped obsessing about it, I stopped having those feelings which I think is a pretty good sign it was never true. You said yourself you don’t want to be a boy. Trust yourself. Yes, you should accept the uncertainty that anything could be true. But always trust yourself first, instead of the OCD telling you that you can’t.
Also, you are still you! You’re still that girl. Don’t let this illness stop you from being you.
Lately, I have been able to manage my OCD thoughts kind of. They’re still there but I kind of push them away? I know that pushing them away doesn’t help but it’s been my only way to survive. I get scared often about things like clothes or my voice or how I present myself. I get scared that I want to dress differently or act differently and it scares me. I know for a fact I don’t want boobs or anything like that, but my mind constantly is like “What if?” and it kills me. It has ruined everything for me. Sometimes I can’t even look in the mirror because I get scared that I won’t like what I see. I’ve also been afraid because I find myself relating to many female characters, or I want to act like them. Like Pearl from Steven Universe. I want to be graceful and elegant like her, but I don’t want to be a girl you know? My mind constantly pushes these thoughts of what if and images. Because I am not like most guys. Which I know is okay. It just freaks me out. It makes me question every aspect of my being. I know who I am, but I know that the only way to move forward is to accept that maybe I don’t.. It’s just a lot.
Pocd feels real again and I can’t tell if I’m actually attracted or not. can’t believe it got this bad again. I used to be able to go “no I don’t like that, go away” and now it feels like I do like it and want it, and it’s starting to linger longer so it feels more real. I’m avoiding checking but I’m so scared that what if it’s true. Is it because I have not been doing my exposures? I’m not sure, but every time a 14 year old person comes to my head, I keep hearing something go “they’re attractive” and it sounds like me so I panic, and it makes me even more scared because I’m not feeling bad about it??? I saw some kid at Walmart that had long black hair and my brain kept saying shit and no matter how much I say I don’t feel that way, it won’t shut up, i want to check 1000 times to make sure. But I know it’s not worth it. I’m trying so hard
I feel so sad, alone, scared and hopeless. Until two months ago there was not even the remote possibility of being anything other than heterosexual and now the idea that I could find out that I was lesbian or bisexual terrifies me to death. Everything was born from the fact that I didn't feel sexual desire towards my ex-boyfriend and I started to be afraid that it was because I was a lesbian... how can I be a lesbian or bisexual if everything was born from this? I would like to run away from myself and my head. I would really like to go back and go back to my life before. I can't take it anymore. I just want to live my life like before
Share your thoughts so the Community can respond
