Am i alone with this?

I am not diagnosed with OCD, but i suspect it as i've been ruminating endlessly. For two years i've isolated myself and have not lived, i feel like the worst garbage in the world and no therapy has helped me get out of the cycle of shame. At the beginning it was more controllable, i had good days and bad days, i knew how to discern between my morals, my identity... Now, i don't know who i am, i don't know if i even find my intrusive thoughts immoral, and this is the most terrifying thing i've ever experienced in my entire life. The idea that there is no hope for me feels more real than ever, and part of this is the defense mechanism my mind is trying to use to protect me from the shame, which is anger, rage, that everything is the way it is now, that feeling of alienation. It's mostly my fault, but it manifests itself with a lot of anger, and this makes it as if two parts of me instead of one torment me: the one that hates me to death, and the one that rationalizes or defends things as disgusting as 4buse, because "i am the same people who did that, and this is how we are cowardly dealing with the shame". My mind thinks i'm inferior, pathetic, bad, inherently disgusting, i can't find a way to get rid of this intense hatred i have towards myself, specially because of things i did in the past. I can't live peacefully or normally knowing that i was capable of doing what i did, and with everything i mentioned happening at the same time i have an intense fear of whatever i am. I'm posting this here because i've never seen this being discussed in general, this feeling of rationalizing your thoughts and starting to lose a very important touch with your values and your entire identity. Going from having a distinction even if it is small, to completely losing touch with reality, going from confidently saying something is wrong, to doubting the most obvious and horrible things because "I would be a hypocrite," or my mind trying to escape the shame. I don't know anymore, honestly.

Tea and Honey

Date posted: 28w

Have you tried ERP therapy? It might be your ticket out of this difficult place that you are in. It is okay if you no longer consider the thoughts are immoral. It actually doesn’t matter what you think about the thoughts. Let me explain… The way to beat OCD is to let the intrusive thoughts run freely in your mind without fighting them off or trying to stop them in any way. You let the thoughts play like “music” in the background while you go about your life like normal. What does this mean? It means you eventually get used to the thoughts. And when you get used to something, it no longer seems that bad. But the truth is this—it doesn’t matter how you feel about the thoughts. You don’t have to have a reaction to them one way or the other. It’s normal to get numb to them or not care about them. In fact, it’s good if you stop caring about them!!! When you are in ERP therapy, you are training yourself you get to the point that you just don’t care about these thoughts at all. We can talk more if you want!!! You are okay!!! This is what OCD does to people. This is a predictable part of OCD. I have seen other people post similar things to you. They are so worried when the thoughts stop bothering them. And I tell them it’s just fine if the thoughts stop bothering them. Please keep talking to us here in the app and talking to others. You can recover from OCD!! And ERP therapy can really help too.

Tireddd

Date posted: 28w

Thank you very much for your comment. But i mean that the questioning i have, and the rationalization, has become more worrying. It is not about feeling numb about my thoughts, but i begin to doubt the immorality of the most immoral things. I don't know if this is an intrusive thought in itself or something i'm thinking myself, all the anxiety comes from things i did in the past or real event obsessions, and it's much more complicated with that. To truly confess what happens to me, when i see cases of criminals, my mind becomes defensive and even starts to defend the criminal, because my brain thinks i'm like them. It all comes to a point where i have that weird questioning of why s3xu4l 4bus3 is bad, and when that happens it's like my world falls apart because it means that everything is true, that i'm that disgusting thing i'm comparing to. Groinal movements are the worst and are the ones that reinforce everything even more, everything is constantly reinforced in one way or another.

Tea and Honey

Date posted: 28w

@Anonymous I hear you. I still don’t think it matters. I think when we spend a lot of time thinking about this stuff, our brains do all sorts of weird stuff. ERP therapy will really help!!! I can’t recommend that enough. It will train you to separate yourself from the thoughts and just let them be (no matter how horrible they are). Another really important point also is that the groinal response doesn’t matter. The groinal response is just the same thing as an intrusive thought. It doesn’t matter, so you don’t have to ascribe any meaning to it. You are NOT a bad person. You are a victim of OCD, which wants to put you through the torture chamber every day. OCD always wants to torture us and tell us that we are terrible. But you can get better!! But it is a HUGE step in your recovery journey to learn that these thoughts (and also your thoughts about the thoughts) are not dangerous. For example, intrusive thoughts of s. abuse are not dangerous. And your thoughts about how you view those intrusive thoughts are not dangerous either. I hear you that you are worried that you are actually accepting the thoughts. But here’s the bottom line. We have OCD. Our brains are tortured by all sorts of thoughts. The way to beat this is to decide that the thoughts and feelings (and physical sensations like the groinal response) don’t matter. You just live your life the way you want.

HOY

Date posted: 17w

i dont know if its gonna get better

since february i have "POcd". Initial symptoms were thoughts, but then I did a testing compulsion during an intimate time, and I spiraled ever since. I struggle with addiction to smut. I'm cutting that out, but I feel as if it is too late. Ive never experienced this much mental, and emotional anguish in my life. On my time on this application I have given advice to others, and helped around, but I wonder if that even applies to me. Millions of times I wish I could turn back time and be more careful. I want to prevent many things, including what led me to spiral into OCD in the first place. I'm surely having an OCD episode. I have gotten a diagnosis, but I'm still not sure. I feel evil, cause unlike many here, I tested on my body sensations and it backfired (twice) I know I'm not supposed to figure out why that is the case, but now I have to live with it for the rest of my life even if its something I don't desire. This is disgusting for me, it is abhorrent. I could've never seen this coming. Day by day I've become more fearful of living with this, "OCD". I was a normal person before this, I knew what I was attracted to, I know my preferences, so why did this come about? This is singlehandedly the most painful thing that has happened to me and I have nobody but myself to blame. I am scared of death but I also would'nt mind sleeping for years on end. My parents and brother were understanding of my situation, but I failed them regardless. I don't want them to see me this way, nor do I want them to learn more of my predicament. I'm cooked. I know it, Fin, thats all folks. I'm only 20 and I already have other diagnosed mental illness so I recklessly brought upon myself another one. Its agonizing to live through, I wish this on nobody, not even my worst enemy. I can't even identify myself at this point. Its tearing me apart.

Anonymous

Date posted: 16w

Feel lost and without hope

I dont know what to do anymore. I think Ive had the 'pure O' version of OCD for more than ten years. I feel like so much of my life has been wasted from this disease. For the longest time I just tried to ignore the intrusive thoughts, and push them off as anxiety, and basically dissociated for years of my life. Feels like Ive just been on autopilot and a shell of myself for nearly 15 years. Its actually hard to even imagine of all the experiences, emotions, connections with others, and personal growth that Ive missed out on- if I do, I think it would be too much to handle. I think Ive even forgot and dont even know at this point what it is to live a normal life and experience positive emotions. Now that I sought treatment for it specifically, it feels like it's gotten worse. Like by acknowledging that part of myself, suddenly added focus just makes it more real and in the forefront now. I wonder if I am actually going insane. Will not go into details for reassurance but the thoughts just rip my soul out. Its so difficult as well because I will get random 'clarity moments' throughout the day where I feel like Ive solved something, then get completely derailed by another OCD thought stream and forget everything. It feels like Im just on a merry-go-round of hell, not going anywhere thinking I am at times.

Anonymous

Date posted: 16w

This is extremely hard to talk about

I have struggled with the darkest thoughts for a long time that rip me apart and have shattered my identity or attempts to create an identity. The worst part is they latch on to what feels most important to me at a point in time, or very important parts of who I am/my family is. Now that I write it out it helps put it in a bit of a perspective, of just how far my ridiculous ruinations have gone. Essentially the obsessive thoughts center on the fear of being a murderer, and have ruined my life for 15 years. This is totally ridiculous, but it developed so bad I was analyzing every good or bad instinct or personality trait of myself and even my family. This makes me cry but it has changed how I even view my whole family. The instinct to even just say Hi to someone, turned into 'you're not actually friendly, you're a murderer.' The worst part is it latches on to the positive aspects of ourselves: For instance, the ongoing deep desire I get to invent/create something outside of my work life and start a creative project, (this is a lifelong passion of one of my parents), Is disrupted by thoughts that somehow this passion is driven by a darker thing such as being a murderer. It's so horrible because it clouds my view of my own parent who I know I deeply love, and view of people in general. This leaves me broken inside and it is hard to get through every day, especially when the thought process starts positive (I want to start a creative project) then quickly devolves into extremely disturbing thoughts about oneself and even my family. Writing this out has helped I will say because it helps me see the thoughts for how ridiculous they are, and see how OCD really works by latching on to what you value/care about most. Essentially its like the most ultimate fear of fearing yourself, which makes it so hard to develop a sense of identity, do the things you actually would enjoy, enjoy relationships, and in general live your best life.

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