ROCD-HELP

Background: I'm 17 about to be 18. I cheated on my boyfriend with this guy S( which I now cut contact with) months and months ago, I came clean to my boyfriend and he forgave me but that's when this all started. I'm not diagnosed with Ocd yet but jm seeing a local counselor. Now: In the past months I've been having thoughts like " what if I love S" "What if my boyfriend is just a friend to me" "I'd rather S did that * insert sexual thing or normal romantic thing*" " S wouldn't do that" "What if I secretly love S" "I love S" and I kept imagining scenarios with S to test how I'd react physically. These thoughts are there everyday for me 24/7, some days it's worse some it's better but I cry about them everyday because they build up and I just explode. I don't want to have them but they get worse and worse with time and I'm scared they reflect some kind of truth because of my past. I finished to have a crisis now, lasted at least 1 hour and I cried my heart out, my mind was like " I dont want anyone else to touch me like my boyfriend does" but then it said back " I love S" " I want S to do that" ecc ecc, got so bad I need to refocus during sex and I need to see my boyfriends face to be sure it's him because I'm scared S is gonna come into my mind and I'm gonna get turned on for him thing that scares me to death. I had the same with pedo like thoughts, for a while I had to avoid children because I was convinced I was a pedo. This comes and goes but the theme it's most in my mind it's this S theme around my relationship. I love my boyfriend and I don't want any of this, can someone please suggest me what to do?

Background: I'm 18 today. I cheated on my boyfriend with this guy S( which I now cut contact with) months and months ago, I came clean to my boyfriend and he forgave me but that's when this all started. I'm not diagnosed with Ocd yet but jm seeing a local counselor. Now: In the past months I've been having thoughts like " what if I love S" "What if my boyfriend is just a friend to me" "I'd rather S did that * insert sexual thing or normal romantic thing*" " S wouldn't do that" "What if I secretly love S" "I love S" and I kept imagining scenarios with S to test how I'd react physically. These thoughts are there everyday for me 24/7, some days it's worse some it's better but I cry about them everyday because they build up and I just explode. I don't want to have them but they get worse and worse with time and I'm scared they reflect some kind of truth because of my past. I finished to have a crisis now, lasted at least 1 hour and I cried my heart out, my mind was like " I dont want anyone else to touch me like my boyfriend does" but then it said back " I love S" " I want S to do that" ecc ecc, got so bad I need to refocus during sex and I need to see my boyfriends face to be sure it's him because I'm scared S is gonna come into my mind and I'm gonna get turned on for him thing that scares me to death. I don't want these thoughts. I don't want them. I had the same with pedo like thoughts, for a while I had to avoid children because I was convinced I was a pedo. This comes and goes but the theme it's most in my mind it's this S theme around my relationship. I love my boyfriend and I don't want any of this, can someone please suggest me what to do? I'm really desperate can someone help?

I need advice. I’ve had OCD in different forms since I was eight. I’ve been with my boyfriend for two years now. He has always been subtly anxious and jealous. He would say things like, “I find everyone but you ugly” or “I could never find anyone else attractive.” That stressed me out morally, especially since it’s our first relationship and I, of course, want to be good enough for him. It started around the three-month mark of our relationship. Now to the problem: When I see someone who is attractive or cute, it already begins. I start thinking—or rather, I don’t just think, I feel. I genuinely and naturally feel these emotions, like I find that person attractive, like I like them, like I want them. I even feel infatuated, like I want to be with them, spend time with them, be their partner, even sexual scenarios or feelings like I love them. These emotions feel so natural and real that I can’t tell the difference. With one person, I’ve had these feelings for over a year. But I only know most of these people by sight. It could be that I’ve fallen in love with the idea of them. That’s a big issue for me. It completely goes against my moral values. I don’t want this. For me, it would be terrible to have a crush on someone else, to like someone else, or to fall in love with another person. Or worse, to love someone else. Because I do love my partner, and I want a future with him. And I know the relationship wouldn’t survive if my fears came true. Even if he always tells me, ‘No, I wouldn’t break up with you,’ I couldn’t live with it myself. And the thing is, it’s not even such an unrealistic fear. It’s not like I’m afraid I want to kill someone or that I have feelings like that. No, this topic I’m dealing with involves real people. There are many people who suddenly fall for someone else, who develop a crush or even fall in love with another person. And I can’t reconcile that with myself. A year ago, I saw someone, and it hit me like a shock (I think in a negative way). Yes, he is attractive or cute. But in that moment, I felt so much fear, panic, and adrenaline because I felt and thought that I liked him more than my partner. When that happens, I start testing my feelings again. And of course, I feel exactly what I’m afraid of. I then constantly feel this pressure or burden, along with guilt. When I think about a scenario, or imagine the person, those feelings come immediately—followed by fear, panic, and guilt. Because of that, I avoid certain places, things, or even numbers because I’m afraid of being triggered. By now, I’m convinced these are my true feelings, because I just can’t imagine that OCD could produce such emotions, and for such a long time—sometimes over a year. I simply don’t want this. I just feel awful, like a monster. What should I do?