self forgiveness help.

@Anonymous Thank you so much for this comment. I guess everyone has that feeling that they’re experience is worse, worse meaning that there’s actually means they’re a bad person, and that’s usually how I feel. But I need to stop beating myself up about this, like you said. I really appreciate your kind words. Sending you love and healing.

@TexasOCD41 I am a little worried and slightly uncomfortable to due so.. but I had posted about them here before. I’m just really afraid of judgement because I judge myself.

@dee012 - this isnt a place where people judge and you are 1000% anonymous. iv seen ALL SORTS of things admitted on here, iv NEVER seen judgement. it can be liberating to open up too, i PROMISE you i wont judge you

@TexasOCD41 Can you please like this message if the comment went though and you are reading it. Sometimes I see comments not go through.

@TexasOCD41 Sorry if I made you uncomfortable. I can understand the no response

@dee012 I didn’t see any reply

@TexasOCD41 I sent a super long one..

@dee012 I misunderstood this comment I’m sorry, I never saw the comment you were referring to

@dee012 Guess it didn’t post :/

@TexasOCD41 Do u have somewhere else I can send it? I think it’s taking it down.

@dee012 I don’t see how? Iv seen people post about POCD thoughts that were pretty explicit that didn’t get taken down.

@TexasOCD41 Try one more time and maybe if something is trigger sensitive, give a general idea rather than specifics and don’t cuss

@TexasOCD41 Do u see it now?

@TexasOCD41 It’s thoughts , mistakes I’ve made, compulsions, etc 😞💔I hope the comment went through and once again sorry beforehand

@dee012 Nope. Are you copy and pasting or something?

@TexasOCD41 The original one I typed and I can see it on my screen. And I just copy and pasted it

@dee012 Try retyping a new one

@TexasOCD41 That’s so weird

@TexasOCD41 It’s super long like really long I took so long to write it😞😞I still want your input though.

@dee012 I have seen some of your older posts tho, I have a feeling it’s about child abuse/molestation? You looked up victims? Probably had some scary POCD thoughts about them. You were abused or SAd as a child too weren’t you?

@dee012 I got it, give me time to read.

@TexasOCD41 That’s a different user not me

@TexasOCD41 And it vanished

@TexasOCD41 Okay once again super sorry beforehand if it makes you uncomfy

@dee012 Ok try ONE MORE TIME and I’ll screen grab it then I’ll delete it after iv read it

@dee012 It’s not coming thru and that’s making me mad iv never seen content be removed immediately like that

@TexasOCD41 Okay here it is it’s long and sorry again. @TexasOCD41 Okay.. I feel like crying as I’m writing this well I kinda am. I’m gonna censor so it doesn’t get removed Basically there’s a couple of things I guess you will just address them one by one I’m assuming? I dunno. Whatever you feel comfortable responding to. I went through trauma as a child (s3. gsual, physical sometimes, emotional mental and verbal) I had a lot of experiences as a child that made me hyp. 3rsx u4l such as family members being careless around me with inappropriate things(having c orn open, or to4 uching themselves and not caring if I saw), exposed to c o rn at around age 4-5, I had unrestricted internet access as a child and was sortve gr00. ?med. and was victim of COCSA from 2nd grade to fifth grade from another peer who was my friend . I also experimented in ways I shouldn’t have which idk if I’m comfy saying .ive always had such weird disturbing thoughts and just thought something was wrong with me. I struggle w hyp. 4rs3. xu4. lty since I was a child and developed a m4s/ bation addiction throughout my life and also as a child watched very weird things on the internet like very disturbing things for idk what f rzn i wish I didn’t. I got diagnosed with ocd at 15 because around late 14 I started to observe these thoughts because they scared me really bad. And I started questioning like wtf why is this happening what does this say about me. And I got super anxious and cried and almost took myself out but I researched so much and begged to see therapist and they diagnosed me with ocd. I struggled with POCD ALOT. And ROCD. I had such disturbing images and would use m4s t bation to make the thoughts and feelings go away. I developed self plsure as a terrible compulsion. As a child I hurt pets of mine out of curiosity a few times (Doing something to see what would happen but I stopped out of fear of the pet dying or seriously being hurt) for example when I was little I put my hand around my cats neck to see like I guess what would happened if I squeezed but I barely remember because I was young but I stopped because I got scared and then another time I was pushing my dog with my foot in like a kicking motion or I guess kicking but I do remember it wasn’t like a kick you would do to impair someone.. I guess once again barely remember but I loved those animals so much I don’t know why I did that ! Then I have cheated on a partner before, I have been a terrible friend before and also was very controlling to multiple friends and manipulative and I have then apologized to the ones I can but it still bothers me. Lastly the main one is my OCD started targeting my pets and making things extremly sxul. I would get terrible groinal responses if they licked themselves , licked me, if I was cuddling with them… And there was a couple of times ( I don’t remember, I would assume less than 3 but I have fears it’s more but I feel like I would know) they licked my arm/ hand and it triggered a groinal response really bad and a whole bunch of bad thoughts. I kept moving my arm or hand (if I was cuddling and my arm was near their mouth or they just licked my hand) either to “test” how I feel down there or if the groinal response was so strong i just continued (also clenching down there is a compulsion of mine) and it would cause clim 4x even if I didn’t to4 u ch myself… The other time I was to4 uch ing myself but I was laying down and my other arm was out, and the cat licked my hand and I like continued to let it lick my hand and pet its head but it ended up leaving and then I continued with my business but when I woke up fully I freaked out and threw up and called my therapist.. All of this is actually terrible so I’m sorry you had to read this. You seem open minded and others deserve your kind words. Sorry again

@dee012 Maybe it’s too long. Try sending it one paragraph at a time?

@TexasOCD41 Did u get

@dee012 Got it! Ok give me time

@dee012 Oh bless your heart. Literally nothing I just read made me slightest bit uncomfortable EXCEPT the fact that you were abused as a child and exposed to adult situations. That is simply awful and I HATE that for you. Ok so good news! You’re pretty normal all things considered lol I have a bachelors degree of science in sociology and a minor in psychology. I’m not a therapist but i have a bit of insight. It is WILDLY common for children who have been sexually abused to be hyper sexual, compulsive masturbators and try unusual sexual experiments. Children aren’t supposed to be exposed to that stuff because ( aside from it being just wrong)their brains are not developed enough to process it, they only recognize that something an adult did caused an unusual feeling and in a natural child, they explore that feeling. Also, iv looked up some twisted things online, pretty sure everyone does, morbid curiosity gets us sometimes. The pet stuff, also typically. I squeeze kittens when I was little because it made them mew and I liked the sound. Kids don’t understand the fragility of life and death and until they are taught ( which it sounds like you were left to fend for yourself) kids can be awful to pets but that’s the parents fault, you aren’t born knowing how to handle pets and people, you learn it and you didn’t learned appropriately until you taught yourself.

@TexasOCD41 Thank you for your comment. I really appreciate it, and I also really appreciate the information since you are studying that field. The hurting pet stuff happened when I was a kid, and the last paragraph with the whole compulsion in my cat happened a few times recently, like I said. 2024 year . And I’m scared that makes me terrible person but idk If im just repeating myself now. Like I handle my pets good I take care of them that was the only thing and I just feel so terrible about it. Thank you for your comment once again :( gave me hope and clarity.

@dee012 Compulsion and my cat*** sorry

@dee012 Also the groanials to the pets, just another manifestation of anxiety with incorrect correlation to pets. Your feelings are from ocd, a feelings and thoughts disorder. It will make you misinterpret EVERYTHING. I was ready for you to tell you had unalive someone and the body. Was in the closet lol. You sound like you would do well with the right medication and ocd specialized therapy. I’m not giving you reassurance, I’m starting what I believe to be true, you don’t need to forgive yourself, other people should be begging YOU FOR forgiveness. You sound like a very compassionate, thoughtful, caring person with some childhood trauma that could use some treatment but you’re not a monster by any stretch of the imagination. I’m SO SORRY you felt like you were.

@TexasOCD41 It just makes me feel so weird and unforgivable and that I violated my NOW pets and I just hate myself for it. I cry a lot about it and can’t sleep sometimes or I just sleep all day but who am I to feel bad and upset if I’m the one who did it and it just makes me feel like a monster. Even though I’m not attracted to my pets:(

@TexasOCD41 Like me purposely continuing to let them / allow them to lick my hand or arm while engaging in that type of compulsion(m-bation) or feeling stuff down there😞

@dee012 You’re just being a bit compulsive. Over explaining something is a covert compulsion. You desperately want to make sure i understand the entire situation and every detail so that when i “ pass my judgement “ you can hopefully accept it as the full truth because you gave me your full most detailed explanation, does that about sum it up?

@TexasOCD41 But thank you so much. I really appreciate this once again… I need to take everything you said into consideration and not punish myself :( thank you for validating my trauma as I tend to invalidate it myself and say it doesn’t matter and I deserved it or I was at fault . Thank you thank you. I could cry.

@TexasOCD41 Yes .. I do that a lot I’m sorry. That’s exactly it. Like I keep feeling like I “fooled” you or I need to keep explaining so you have “full” story. Or like if I don’t continue explaining that means I’ve successfully lied and fooled you or something.

@dee012 Nope, you haven’t fooled me. Iv had ocd for over 15 years, add to that my degree, and I’m medicated and see an NOCD therapist. I know exactly how ocd works

@dee012 No one deserves their trauma and ESPECIALLY children because it’s so hard for them to sort thru that and often they keep their experiences secret out of shame. That’s why I sorta forced you share so you could understand you have nothing to feel shame for, you unfortunately were the victim here. I STRONGLY encourage you to make sure your therapist is ocd trained and child SA trained and work with them and be open with them as you were with me. You can set yourself free from this and live a long happy life ❤️

@TexasOCD41 Yes, it seems like I had to do that compulsion to make the thoughts and feelings go away , Or to test myself . And testing my “limits” by allowing them to keep licking my hand/arm or moving my arm so they would. But the uncomfortable feeling and anxiety is always there. But for some reason, my brain connects all these things and makes it sexual. But I do not want to harm animals, kids, or anybody. I just want a normal life, and OCD makes me feel like it’s impossible. A lot of people have explained this to told me it wasn’t as bad as I think it is, I guess maybe since I care about my pets so much and doing the right thing it really does bother me and crosses my moral compass. I just hate all those feelings and thoughts are caused by weird asz sht that makes me want to puke. I’m really glad I ran into you on this app. I’ve been freaking out for months. I am only 19 and all of this sucks and I’m a girl and makes me feel ugly and like I can’t have a boyfriend or family in the future

@dee012 Thank you for being vulnerable. That’s a big step.

@TexasOCD41 🥲🥲 sorry for getting you wrapped up in this whole deep conversation lol it’s a lot. But I did start seeing a therapist on here and she is trained on trauma I think? Specifically PTSD also but I just started so it will take time for me to talk about everything. It’s so hard for me to feel like a victim. My whole life I was told by everybody how bad of a kid I was, and nobody listened to me or believe me for anything, I also hid a lot of stuff because I grew up in Caribbean Hispanic household and that stuff really is not talked about. You give me hope to get better and I need to start telling myself that it’s not about me being a bad person, it’s me needing to heal and be able to live a good life

@dee012 Not at all. Ocd specifically targets the things that are the most importabt to us. Is trash. Mine targets my pets, my husband, my past ( i have some sexual trauma myself I had to come to terms with too) and even children. The important thing to remember is thoughts are threats and feelings aren’t facts, it’s all just an ocd lie.

@TexasOCD41 You’re welcome. Sorry if I’m rambling

@dee012 Yes I studied the difference in ethnicities and black and Hispanic and other ethnic minorities tend to avoid mental health topics. Us white people just loooove our therapy lol but please don’t apologize, I got my degree because I hoped it would allow me to help people like you. I’m very happy to stay in communication with you and help however I can. I’m VERY happy to hear your with NOCD my NOCD therapist is FANTASTIC.

@dee012 Also, behavioral issues is EXTREMELY common in kids that were abused. It’s how some people learn to catch it. Everything you’re telling me is TEXTBOOK child sexual abuse thought and beliefs and behavior. Your strong and you’re gonna beat this, I don’t know much about your culture but I know your a resilient and strong people. You have suffered alone for so long, i wouldn’t have lasted as long as you. Take pride im that.

@dee012 You’re relieved lol it’s perfectly normal to get chatty when a weight gets lifted. Now, DONT feel dispare when this high feeling wears off because it probably will, that’s normal in ocd, it doesn’t mean what I da wasn’t true it just means you still have a ways to go to conquer your ocd. Stay strong, ride the waves, the storm will pass.

@TexasOCD41 Thank you and yes they avoid it a lot kids aren’t really seen as human Ik that sounds like a reach but the mindset is “what do u have to be upset about or depressed about”. And a lot of times they ignore the situations that go on in the household which sucks! How would you like to stay in communication? I see your comments here and there in other people’s post! Also yea I was like such a bad kid behaviorally but super fing smart. Like extremely. My family would take me to therapist for like “bad behavior” adolescence defiant stuff. Like I was just somehow a bad kid. But I’m really glad I stayed, and stuck with my core beliefs, that I am good and want good out of my life and this world. Stepping out and seeing critierias for different mental illness and trauma is such an eye opener and makes me feel relieved. But yes, I am trying to tell myself that right now. Not to let this feeling decide that I am “healed “. I tend to get these really really high highs, that go into really low Lows. But what you’re saying helped a lot. I was crying writing the paragraphs to you in the comment section lol I was so scared. Hearing that you have pets, and a partner, and your pursuing education also gives me hope. OCD is such a bully and we deserve good things in life🥲

@TexasOCD41 Hello did u see my comment or did it take down again?

@dee012 You weren’t a bad kid you just lashed out. Yes I’d like to stay in touch on here. I have other ppl who will just comment on one of our existing posts when they want to get in touch with me.

@TexasOCD41 Okay thank you!❤️

@TexasOCD41 Hello TexasOCD, how are you hope all is well? I am struggling a little bit as of right now and keep re thinking back to your advice and it helps. I am just having a hard time feeling comfortable as a pet owner or even around my pets or finding animals cute because of the compulsions involving my cats that had happened those times previously.😓 I feel really gross and like I actually violated them but it’s just hard getting past this.

@dee012 - Remind yourself you have OCD, that while these feelings are uncomfortable, they are not dangerous and they are not real. The goal isn't to get past it, its to go thru it. You are trying to modify your behaviors so that you don't perform compulsions to relieve the yucky feelings to train your brain that those yucky feelings don't need your behavior or your attention. It takes time to develop new pathways in the brain when they are so used to the old ones. Be patient with yourself and keep pushing forward. Keep doing exposures, keep resisting the compulsions. Feelings are not facts. we don't live our lives by how we feel, we live them by what we do. accept the uncertainty, accept that regardless of anything, its all in the past and cant be changed and it of no consequence to today or your future. If you cats and pets want to be around you, take that as evidence you have done them no wrong and enjoy their presence. I believe animals can sense good and bad in people, so if they want to be around you, that means you're good.

@TexasOCD41 Omg thank you so much for the quick reply :(. I have an issue with putting stuff into chat gpt, and it told me I am not unforgivable and blah blah but what I did was morally crossing boundaries bc a pet being involved in anything sexual , including the sexual compulsion I struggle with , is not ok and I accept that the compulsions happening were mistakes I just have to remind myself it is OCD and I didn’t intend to harm my pets and I don’t want to be a harm to my pets. It’s just hard you know. I just feel so icky…. Like bad person :( But I did open up to therapist on here in detail about it and I do not feel judged. You gave me that extra push and I really appreciate it. My cats do like being around me and I love them I just feel bad when they want to be around me I have thoughts like “u violated them u shouldn’t be around them”.. but it is the past and my past does not define me and I just hope ocd is blowing this out of proportion but sorry if it seems like im asking for reassurance u don’t have to give it im just rambling. Even without reassurance ur advice helps a lot. Once again thank you for your quick response, its really appreciated and sorry if it was random

@TexasOCD41 Also how do I follow you on here? I can only do it to people who follow me first but I would like to folllow u here if that’s ok

@dee012 I’m sorry if I am being annoying, I don’t mean to. Hope all is well

@dee012 - You are not annoying in the least bit lol stop apologizing. I know how hard OCD is and the last thing you need to do is let it make you feel like your struggles are invalid. So i have another person i help out on here who has a BIG problem with chat gtp ( which just to make sure you are aware that asking chat GPT ANYTHING related to OCD Is a BIG compulsion) and its worse than asking an actual human because you get a literal robots response... a compost of algohrythimic response that was generated because it seemed the most likely logical answer to your question EXCEPT Chat GPT only gets your question, it does not get the context. Is doing sexual things with animals wrong? yes, is carrying out compulsions that are for the purpose of testing your feelings and verifying that you DONT have sexual ideation surround animals wrong? no, but good look phrasing that in a way that Chat GPT can understand lol. context is everything and Chat GPT lacks insight and can't be given insight ( as insight is a human trait). SO, long story short, stay OFF chat GPT, like, doctors orders! it answered your question sure, but I'm sure you worded it in an OCD loaded way that triggered it respond the way it did. take a step back from this and realize.. you asked a ROBOT for advice lol.... let that sink it ;). Also i KNOW it feels like you should be reminding yourself your a good person, you didn't hurt them, you didn't violate them, but in all honesty, repeating things like that to yourself is ANOTHER sneaky mental compulsion. Keep in mind, compulsions are behaviors that we use to try to make ourselves feel better, so mentally reassuring yourself? compulsion. What your therapist is probably going to suggest you start doing soon is ERP, where you allow yourself to be exposed to the things that make you uncomfortable and DO NOT do those self soothing behaviors. They SHOULD get you started with a fear hierarchy so you can start with the smallest anxieties and work your way up slowly. for now, when those yucky feelings hit, don't fight them, remind yourself " these are not real, its not even important so I'm not going to analyze this." and understand, that doesn't make them go away, it just sends a message to your brain that those weird thoughts are not important enough to get a response out of you, its going to keep sending you the thoughts, you job is NOT to get rid of them or difuse them, but to just let them be, you JOB is to NOT do compulsions. by repeating this over..and over.... and over lol the new pathways will be created. i still have my uncomfortable OCD thoughts, but i know now to remind myself " nope, doesn't matter, not going to pay attention to that nonsense" and i just ride out the anxiety until it basically goes away becuase I'm not paying attention.

@TexasOCD41 Hi did I say something wrong? Just wondering

@dee012 Oh here we go again. I put a loooong post and it didn’t post lol

@dee012 @dee012 - You are not annoying in the least bit lol stop apologizing. I know how hard OCD is and the last thing you need to do is let it make you feel like your struggles are invalid. So i have another person i help out on here who has a BIG problem with chat gtp ( which just to make sure you are aware that asking chat GPT ANYTHING related to OCD Is a BIG compulsion) and its worse than asking an actual human because you get a literal robots response... a compost of algohrythimic response that was generated because it seemed the most likely logical answer to your question EXCEPT Chat GPT only gets your question, it does not get the context. Is doing sexual things with animals wrong? yes, is carrying out compulsions that are for the purpose of testing your feelings and verifying that you DONT have sexual ideation surround animals wrong? no, but good look phrasing that in a way that Chat GPT can understand lol. context is everything and Chat GPT lacks insight and can't be given insight ( as insight is a human trait). SO, long story short, stay OFF chat GPT, like, doctors orders! it answered your question sure, but I'm sure you worded it in an OCD loaded way that triggered it respond the way it did. take a step back from this and realize.. you asked a ROBOT for advice lol.... let that sink it ;). Also i KNOW it feels like you should be reminding yourself your a good person, you didn't hurt them, you didn't violate them, but in all honesty, repeating things like that to yourself is ANOTHER sneaky mental compulsion. Keep in mind, compulsions are behaviors that we use to try to make ourselves feel better, so mentally reassuring yourself? compulsion. What your therapist is probably going to suggest you start doing soon is ERP, where you allow yourself to be exposed to the things that make you uncomfortable and DO NOT do those self soothing behaviors. They SHOULD get you started with a fear hierarchy so you can start with the smallest anxieties and work your way up slowly. for now, when those yucky feelings hit, don't fight them, remind yourself " these are not real, its not even important so I'm not going to analyze this." and understand, that doesn't make them go away, it just sends a message to your brain that those weird thoughts are not important enough to get a response out of you, its going to keep sending you the thoughts, you job is NOT to get rid of them or difuse them, but to just let them be, you JOB is to NOT do compulsions. by repeating this over..and over.... and over lol the new pathways will be created. i still have my uncomfortable OCD thoughts, but i know now to remind myself " nope, doesn't matter, not going to pay attention to that nonsense" and i just ride out the anxiety until it basically goes away becuase I'm not paying attention.

@TexasOCD41 Oh I didn’t know im sorry. On my end it’s just my comments the only comment of yours showing is the one that starts with “Remind yourself”

@dee012 Why does it do that lol your the only person I have a hard time with posts

@dee012 Stop apologizing lol

@dee012 @dee012 @dee012 - You are not annoying in the least bit lol stop apologizing. I know how hard OCD is and the last thing you need to do is let it make you feel like your struggles are invalid. So i have another person i help out on here who has a BIG problem with chat gtp ( which just to make sure you are aware that asking chat GPT ANYTHING related to OCD Is a BIG compulsion) and its worse than asking an actual human because you get a literal robots response... a compost of algohrythimic response that was generated because it seemed the most likely logical answer to your question EXCEPT Chat GPT only gets your question, it does not get the context. Is doing sexual things with animals wrong? yes, is carrying out compulsions that are for the purpose of testing your feelings and verifying that you DONT have sexual ideation surround animals wrong? no, but good look phrasing that in a way that Chat GPT can understand lol. context is everything and Chat GPT lacks insight and can't be given insight ( as insight is a human trait). SO, long story short, stay OFF chat GPT, like, doctors orders! it answered your question sure, but I'm sure you worded it in an OCD loaded way that triggered it respond the way it did. take a step back from this and realize.. you asked a ROBOT for advice lol.... let that sink it ;). Also i KNOW it feels like you should be reminding yourself your a good person, you didn't hurt them, you didn't violate them, but in all honesty, repeating things like that to yourself is ANOTHER sneaky mental compulsion. Keep in mind, compulsions are behaviors that we use to try to make ourselves feel better, so mentally reassuring yourself? compulsion. What your therapist is probably going to suggest you start doing soon is ERP, where you allow yourself to be exposed to the things that make you uncomfortable and DO NOT do those self soothing behaviors. They SHOULD get you started with a fear hierarchy so you can start with the smallest anxieties and work your way up slowly. for now, when those yucky feelings hit, don't fight them, remind yourself " these are not real, its not even important so I'm not going to analyze this." and understand, that doesn't make them go away, it just sends a message to your brain that those weird thoughts are not important enough to get a response out of you, its going to keep sending you the thoughts, you job is NOT to get rid of them or difuse them, but to just let them be, you JOB is to NOT do compulsions. by repeating this over..and over.... and over lol the new pathways will be created. i still have my uncomfortable OCD thoughts, but i know now to remind myself " nope, doesn't matter, not going to pay attention to that nonsense" and i just ride out the anxiety until it basically goes away becuase I'm not paying attention.

@TexasOCD41 I wonder why hm.. if you can re paste maybe but I don’t know. I don’t mean to apologize much I just do not want to be annoying but yes I will stop thank you again for ur help

@dee012 Iv copy and pasted it 3 darn times lol I’ll try again on Monday when I’m at work with a real computer. Now, about apologizing, you don’t have to apologize for your existence. I’m on here because i choose to be, not because I’m forced lol if i didn’t want to chat with you i simply wouldn’t, and even then that’s my choice that doesn’t require your apology. You NEVER need to apologize for others decisions. Accept yourself and the space you occupy because you deserve it just as much as the next person. ❤️❤️❤️

@dee012 My best friend is a chronic apologist lol I make her put a mental “dollar” ( not really because I’m not mean lol) in the sorry jar every time she apologizes unnecessarily, she finally stopped doing it because she finally realized how unnecessary it is to apologize to people who WANT your company lol

@TexasOCD41 Ugh that sucks. I dunno why it does that. Maybe it’s getting flagged for a certain word I dunno.. thank you for this advice. I have a hard time over apologizing and sometimes it annoys ppl. But yes I have such a hard time with that and it’s like automatic and I do it so the other person knows im not trying to inconvenience them. Hopefully ur copy and paste works or something I would like to see what you wrote but if not it will be shown to me another time im sure☺️

@dee012 We will figure it out lol