Anonymousesti

Date posted: 26w

SOOCD big relapse or always here

My SOOCD has been pretty loud lately and the fact that everytime I go out with mu friends I feel like I cant relate to their stories but everytime I go on reddit (I know it a compulsion) and read the responds to "how did you know you were a lesbian" and feel like I cant relate doesnt help at all. I was doing really well and even tho the thoughts were there I was happy with my bf. The onlu thing that bothered me is that I felt like I wouldnt be mad if he broke up with me were as if I imagine it with a women I feel like mu heart would be broken and that I would finally understadn what my friends go through... so yeah that's a pretty big thing because I know that a lot of therapist (and lesbian) say that if you can move on easily from someone its that you never loved them. And honeslty I have a pretty anxious attachment style so usually I would have to be more heartbroken than other if that were to happen with me and I would have to be scared and jealous during my relationship, which I am not. and I know its healther that way but is it real? Im soo lost, Im shaking I just wanna cry and im sure that sociatal pressure and the fact that I do not have a lot of queer friends are making this even harder. I just dont want to realise in 20 years that all of this was fake and right now it feels like it is and im just convincing myself to stay. Also ive been on birth control for 10+ years and I heard that a lot of women who stopped it started geing with women and did not feel any attraction whatsoever to men. And it also feels like if I were to ever try woth women I would never go back to men. and that its only fear thats stopping me... Idk if its soocd or not but it doesnt feel like it. I know Im all over the place but if anyone relates or could give some advice it would be great thank you!

Sexual Orientation OCD

LV4523

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 26w

Like one thing too that’s hard is imagining sexual scenarios in my head. My brain will convince me I would want to have sex with a woman and put all of these scenarios in my head of me “enjoying” it. And when i feel strong enough I just start actively picturing the scene happening and me “enjoying” it, and the anxiety goes down. It is SO incredibly scary, but it really does work. You’ve got this and you aren’t alone. You don’t need to live in this state of anxiety every day!

Anonymousesti

Date posted: 26w

Thank you for your story! I really relate to it as I also struggled with harm OCD and health OCD bu they have been easier to control/get over. I fear SOOCD was always here because I always had this fear that is not supposed to be here! I think that my core fear is also wanting to be like my parents and the people around me and they're all mostly straight so yeah! I just love my bf and want to know if its true love or platonic so I really get you

LV4523

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 26w

@Anonymousesti I understand that and you aren’t alone. Truly the only way out is through and you’ve got this. Also being gay is not a bad thing at all, unlike harm ocd or pocd where you get arrested and break the law. So it’s a different theme in that way because I am an ally to the lgbtq+ community, so it’s not so easy to get over if that makes sense?

Anonymousesti

Date posted: 26w

@LV4523 - exactly!! same here! that's what makes it complex! and how is you bf taking all of this? does he know?

LV4523

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 26w

@Anonymousesti Yes he knows! He literally doesn’t care at all lol. He’s a really confident person in himself and in our relationship which has also made this easier!

LiaExe28

Date posted: 26w

@LV4523 Oh same! I keep getting images of “what would it be like to shower with a woman, kiss one or have sex with one. Would I prefer that over my bf” and rn I don’t try to picture it more to see how I feel cuz I’m not in proper therapy and I don’t wanna do that type of exposure alone. I can’t even picture a sexual scenario with my bf as the focus lately cuz if I do it drifts into a woman and my libido has tanked cuz of birth control and stress. I’m thinking about getting mine taken out cuz it’s not worth my mental health. I’d rather use condoms than have hormonal birth control. The copper iud is too scary lol. I’m worried with the anxiety going down about the situation it means I’m used to it and enjoy it. Before sexual scenes with my bf got me going but now I go nowhere and it’s a bummer. I miss ovulating tbh lol. I miss being all over him before

LiaExe28

Date posted: 26w

I feel the same thing it’s so confusing. The if I try with women I might never go back to men thing is really relatable. Are you also bi or are you just afraid of being a lesbian? Cuz I’m bi and I’m scared I’m just a lesbian and am leading my bf on. I have queer friends and they all lean towards women except 2. So I’m anxious as all hell. Idk if I’m happy with him as just a friend or happy with him as my lover. I also feel like I wouldn’t be upset if he died or broke up with me. But if you asked me before this I think I would’ve said I’d be heartbroken. I’d have lost likely the love of my life but I can’t see that right now that he might be or is cuz I’m so anxious. I’m really worried honestly. Our anniversary is this week and I don’t feel good

Anonymousesti

Date posted: 26w

I never labeled myself but I never got with women before only men... I got diagnosed with soocd when I was 17 and am now 27! mu core fear is lying to myself and my bf, living a life of lies up until its too late and leaving at 50 and breaking up families. I just want to be happy! ive been with my bf for 7 years now and he knows everything! I have some things that happened in my childhood that made me question my sexuality but I dont think I wouldve been able to stay 7 years with a person if I dont really love him no? I also come from a culture where being gay isnt wildly accepted but my parents are kind of okay with it (they know about my OCD) and I have some queer friends and my other friends are very open minded... but I just always wonder if its societal pressure and comphet and not real love!

LiaExe28

Date posted: 26w

@Anonymousesti Yeah I have the same fear, I’ve only been with my bf for a year tho. I wonder the same thing if it’s societal pressure or if it’s genuine love. That’s been my constant debate. I think treatment is the best course of action, meds and therapy, that’s what I’ve been recommended and I’m gonna be working with a therapist next week. I don’t wanna lead him on at all. I’m in Canada so being gay is fine here but I don’t want to be solely gay. I do like men h just need to get to know them first lol. It’s confusing. I’m confused. I’m scared. My bf is the third guy I’ve dated and the nicest and idk if it’s my brain not adjusting to good treatment or if I’m realizing I don’t want men long term

LV4523

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 26w

About birth control.. this was a huge fear of mine for a while. I just bit the bullet and went off of it bc I also wasn’t getting my period and wanted it back. Honestly I feel like my ocd is better off of it and my connection with my boyfriend is more steady, as in I am not so extremely up and down as what I was on bc. It’s totally different for everyone, but you should really work on some exposures for this aspect of your SOOCD!!!

Anonymousesti

Date posted: 26w

How have you been in terms of SOOCD? what's your strory if its not too much trouble asking?

LV4523

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 26w

@Anonymousesti It started a year and a half ago. When I was younger I had harm ocd and had some self confidence issues most of my life and obsessions about how I looked to other people and whatever. (Which I think is ocd / anxiety related). Then my bf moved away and we started long distance and my SOOCD started! My ROCD had been there and is still there our whole relationship. But at first I was soooo confused what was going on it was like my brain broke and I couldn’t stop questioning my sexuality. Then I found out about ocd and did some therapy through NOCD that kind of helped but I think most of the work has been done on my own. I love my boyfriend so much and this is the first time I’ve really felt like someone is my forever, which is why my ocd attacks this!! I’m doing a little better but definitely have some rough days especially the week before I get my period. I went off of birth control in August and am feeling a lot more in tune with myself and level headed (which also could be placebo lol). But when it gets bad it feels so real and so convincing that I believe my thoughts. It’s so hard to remember that erp and exposing yourself to the thought actually works to get you through the rough patches.

Chicago23

Date posted: 26w

@LV4523 I really feel like I struggle with this too over the past couple months I’ve been struggling with these issues of me having gay visions and thoughts and I’m straight at first I watched gay porn and I really feel like it traumatized me so I know I’m not gay but for some reason these thoughts keep popping up in my mind of me being gay it feel like I’m being attacked by someone like if someone were to do a spiritual ritual towards me I even contacted a spiritual medium and he told me that there was a spirit around me that was trying to make me become someone I’m not but at the same time he wanted 200 hundred dollars to remove this “spirit” so I didn’t really know but that was 2 months ago and although I feel live I’ve been doing better on a day to day basis I’ve also now started to have gay dreams but there so weird and it always starts out as girl then it feel like my mind tricks me and switches the gender I recently had one this morning and I don’t like it I just want to go back to when these thoughts never crossed my mind

Anonymousesti

Date posted: 19w

Soocd while in a relationship

Is anyone here going throughbSOOCD while being in a relationship? If yes, do you feel like “something is missing” even tho everything is great? My OCD keeps on telling me “you’re settling” or “yeah you’re happy with what you have but its nothing compared to what you would be feeling if you were with a girl, but you’re with your bf for society!” Im soo tired!! When I look at him I find him so attractive and handsome but i dont know if im attracted to him or if he’s just attractive!! And while growing up I was never “pulled by guys” but I thought that everyone was this way! I also used to look at girls because I found them Beautiful but I thought that everyone used to look at them this way! I think what truly bothering me is “comphet” and the “lesbian masterdoc”. Like I feel like I can relate to some points! Yes I used to choosw my crushes growing up but it felt like everyone used to do the same thing! As for my current bf, we started out as friend and then it turned into something else but now im scared I just agreed to being his gf because “that’s what I had to do” and im scared that he’s my “beard”. I particularly got triggered yesterday because my friends were talking about their celebrities crush and I couldnt think about anyone without forcing it! Instead I could easily think about kristen stewart or someone with the same vibe. All of this + my feelings must mean something no??? I just want to feel “in love” my bf is perfect!

Sexual Orientation OCD

vaiiolyn

Date posted: 19w

feeling helpless

As a lesbian with SO-OCD, I feel so helpless. It's truly exhausting because no one I know understands what I'm going through. The first response is always, "You're just confused" or "You don't have to know yet." But that's not the issue, I do know. I just never see any lesbians with SO-OCD so I feel so invalidated. These thoughts flood my brain constantly, forcing me to analyze my reactions to every man I see. I feel trapped in an endless cycle of "testing" myself, trying to prove that I don't like them. But my brain fights back, telling me I do want to love a man, making it feel real even though don't want it. It's terrifying. At this point, it's hard to even hold onto my identity as a lesbian because I'm so overwhelmed. I don't know if this is what real attraction is supposed to feel like, and that fear eats away at me. The truth is, when I think about being with a man, all I feel is disgust and fear-but my brain twists that into doubt. I hate it. I'm at the point where I'm scared I'm going to have to accept something I don't want because I don't know if this will ever go away. I miss who I was before all this.

LiaExe28

Date posted: 14w

Couple of rough days - soocd

I’m like 90% sure I’m just bi, more romantically inclined to men, mainly my bf who I wanna marry. But now my brain is like “if you lean into liking women or keep circling and circling for answers you’ll lose all attraction to men and your bf. You’re practically already a lesbian” I feel so tense and anxious I will admit I am talking to chat gpt out of desperation I’m scared of losing all attraction to him I don’t wanna be thinking about women. I don’t unless I’m really stressed cuz when I’m stressed my ocd can take advantage of that I can usually ground myself when I’m in the city with him but I’m back home for most of the summer and I can’t be physically close to him which usually reminds me that hey this is real this is what I really want in life. Him But then I panic and question I haven’t been here in a while tbh. I’m worried I don’t feel enough. I don’t like magic Mike all that much, I like softer guys. But now the fact I don’t like/get turned on by random men on tv but do women in lingerie really stresses me out and makes me worry I’m truly a lesbian but I’m not. Once I started getting to know my bf and my ex bf’s I really did truly genuinely like them and wanted to make out and everything. Idk can anyone relate to the not liking big buff men All my brain is repeating rn is “when he dies you’ll be able to date a woman, when you break up you’ll only wanna date women” and it’s stressing me out. It’s making me nauseous. I was doing well for about a couple days after I initially left but being at home has been so incredibly draining This might give you a vision of how stressful home is: I’ve been on nexplanon for 7 months ish? Only had very minimal spotting during a stressful school period. Today: fully bleeding, like a usual period. I haven’t had my period since having it put in. I wanna go back to my bf so badly rn. I’m so worried I’m faking or don’t feel enough. I’m learning what a healthy relationship looks like and I’m terrified I’m gonna up and leave him when we’re older cuz I’ll finally figure out that I’m a lesbian or smthn. Idk. Someone pls just help me out a tad

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