- Date posted
- 26w
breakup, ROCD, believe i am a covert narcissist
I broke up recently with my LDR partner because I was so depressed, and it felt like I was losing feelings and I was suffering so much. I felt like I was having suicidal ideation, and I could not stop being in my head and my thoughts would spiral and be scattered everywhere. iv been having a lot of anxiety, fears and doubts majority of the relationship. we met on jan 25 ish 2024 and started dating around april 2024. I couldn't make sense and I didn't know how to feel anymore. I told him that I think it’s best for us to break up, and that since I still felt uncertain it wasn't fair for him, and that I didn't want to hurt him. before i broke up with him, i started to see a lot of narcissist posts on my social media and i felt that i related to it and i felt that maybe that’s my answer to everything and that i have been fake, lying, because im a covert narcissist. i couldn’t stop watching these reels about narcissism. and specifically covert narcissist because i took a quiz even payed for it and i felt that i answered honestly and it came to covert narcissist. i felt that my whole reality changed and myself and i would find signs that makes me believe that iv been a narcissist to him and been manipulating, lying, gaslighting etc. it has sent me to a really bad place within myself and i feel so horrible about myself and i had broke down crying whenever i looked at his face in my lock screen or pictures because i just have this overwhelming guilt and pain from having done what “iv done”. i do have now a ocd specialist and a general therapist. my general therapist didn’t think she was helping me, and i told her about feeling like im lying, manipulating my partner, if i remember i think i brought up the narcissism aswell. it hurts because of the results and the signs of myself in the relationship makes sense in that. i don’t know what to do, if its ocd it feels extremely real and if i am one which i have been believing i am then i dont know how i could live with myself you know. i payed for the results aswell and i felt that i answered honesty. i lacked feeling inlove, feeling like a liar, like iv been acting, feeling fake, feeling extreme anxiety, dread, feeling nothing towards him when i just wanted to feel love and love him, feeling in denial of my feelings that i don’t love him, fearing that i used him, fearing that my love was never real. i felt recently like i lost sense in myself and i don’t know what’s real or not. people say that love is a choice so i kept loving him and showing him loving actions throughout all those feelings, anxiety and distress and doubts but it felt like it never went away. what scares me is that, i plan things to say in my head, but i don’t feel in bad intention, or maybe it is, whenever he was vulnerable, or trying to help me, i felt like i wanted to smirk or smile and i felt evil as fuck, i don’t know why, i felt so horrible. i just been feeling like a bad person to him and i dont know what’s real anymore. we aren’t together and i feel that my obsessions, and all those feelings i still think about a lot, and i feel like i just don’t know what’s to think anymore. iv been in more pain because of that “discovery” of being a covert narcissist and i want to talk about it to my OCD specialist and see what she thinks professionally. my therapist recommended tapping different parts of body to help the brain, supplements, tips on confessing, and i feel like i took my supplements, but i struggled with the tapping i felt like i didn’t do it like i should have but felt like it wouldn’t help me. im just overwhelmed, tired, i haven’t ate much, dont feel like eating much, i still look at rocd stories and search things up, my mind has been focused on the whole covert narcissist. and if i am i will painfully accept that i am but i dont know how to live with myself !!! i just wanted to love him but it feels like i never did? and it was me forcing love. me forcing my actions and everything but i have been mentally struggling with the supposed ROCD. i feel like my only hope is my OCD specialist i recently found and will talk to soon. i hate my life and hate myself i dont know, i feel immense guilt, pain, and i cant describe it. i feel like im just a bad person. that iv been a bad person to my partner and i always feared to hurt him!! but who knows if that’s true i dont feel like i can even trust myself. someone please help. i feel like im losing my mind