Shame

I hate all of this. I feel so extremally ashamed of every single little thing I do, every single action is being questioned and shamed. I just cant understand why do I feel this way, afterall, it's not like Im going to stop doing these things or thinking in a certain way because I feel this shame. Sometimes these are little things like feeling ashamed over not being extremally kind to an adult(I fear adults a lot and I see them as people superior to me, which makes me feel even more ashamed and inferior) but sometimes it's shame over my morals, my wording of sentences etc. There's nothing that I can do to make this shame go away, Im so desperate to feel better that I constantly put other people down "as a joke" (only if they agree to it) to make myself feel less ashamed of my own existance. I know it's wrong and Im not a good person but I just dont know what should I do, Im so increadibly tired with this never ending shame. I felt it ever since, but since I got my second ocd episode(that started on 1th of august 2023) It has gotten so much worse. Now it's utterly debilitating and pathologizes my functioning in every area. I feel ashamed of thinking, of feeling, of eating, of learning, of the way I draw, speak or dress, of my behaviour, of what media I consume. Actually I feel ashamed over everything, I dont have any kind of true self worth, I need other people in order to feel atleast a bit better. All I want is for all of the people on earth to reassure me over and over again that Im allowed to live amongst them, that Im not wrong, that I can live and be happy as well. I wish I could just never wake up again, I feel so bad

I’ve done things in the past few years that I’m not proud of - only a couple of things I can think of and they didn’t directly hurt anyone at least with is relieving (but maybe indirectly they sort of did or could’ve which makes me hate myself because why did I do that… *how* could I do that…) If I could back and stop those things from happening, I would. I may not have thought about what I was doing at the time, so I didn’t really recognize that they weren’t okay, but that doesn’t excuse them, and I would smack some sense into my past self if I were able. I feel like if anyone knew what I‘ve done, they wouldn’t want anything to do with me. They’d write me off as worthless. And maybe they should to be honest. Now yet another thing has come up - I haven’t done anything, but I had an intrusive thought pop up that made me *think* about doing something and this would be unforgivable in my opinion. Though, to be honest, the things I’ve done before are also somewhat unforgivable in my opinion… 😞 Regardless, I don’t want to do it because I don’t think it’s okay, but I worry deep down that I do. Or that I’m looking for an excuse to make it okay to do. I don’t know, it’s complicated. And I’m upset I even thought about it. I wish I had never seen the thing that triggered that intrusive thought. Yet another thing I would stop if I could. I’ve tried to not think about it or focus on it, but it doesn’t work. Even if it goes away, it just comes back again. I just keep thinking about it and it’s overwhelming. Anyway all of the guilt of this is killing me. I feel like an irredeemably terrible person and it makes me want to give up. I can’t get on with life because it’s paralyzing. I don’t know what’s wrong with me, and at this point, it feels like I don’t deserve to just move on. I can’t live with myself and I feel like I don’t deserve anything anymore. I know a lot of this is probably OCD, but I’m not sure all of it is and I don’t know what to do… if I spoke to a therapist about it, I don’t think I could bring myself to say what I’ve done or what thoughts I’ve had. But if I was told to move on by someone who didn’t know the truth, I would worry they wouldn’t really say that if they knew. Agh, it’s all just a mess 😞

Since I started to accept that maybe some of the problems i deal with might be things that i should accept cause either way I feel shame if i have these thoughts, and i think that being that person is shameful. I'm struggling these days and I noticed I have thoughts about God not being real, not helping me, questioning if its real and these thoughts makes me feel shame. But i keep accepting it cause Im tired that i feel like im lying to myself and everytime i feel like im avoiding the truth, so I try to accept it that its okay that im having these problems(I do the same with suicidal ocd,I start to accept maybe its real) but since im doing this I noticed it makes me depreassed cause of shame. Made things worse, I always spin about shame that it might be true, i try tk accept it but it doesnt work, I feel like maybe i should go back and label every feeling and thought as ocd but i know i wouldnt be free cause i would feel like im trying to make myself feel better... But if its ocd, how can I decide its that if I have the emotions like im losing my faith, I get angry when i hear about faith, sometimes i feel like i really question it, have thoughts like i dont want to have faith...