emma345

Date posted: 24d ago

Lost a year of life to real event ocd

17f Just like the title says. I came to realization that I lost a whole year of life. I remembered my real event in the end of january of 2024. Since then my life has been a living hell. Also kinda made a couple new smaller events through this year. And I know I deserve it cause my event was actually bad. Even people without ocd on reddit agree it was bad. It's still ocd, but I deserve it probably. For this whole year I haven't had a day when I wouldn't think of it. It became my default state to constantly have it on my mind. I walked around, pretended to have fun, talked to people. Most of the time I wasn't really there, I was thinking about my event. My event haunts me when I'm awake, when I'm asleep. I spend this whole year either freaking out, being depressed, thinking on methods to off myself, ruminating, seeking reassurance or trying to distract myself with books, TV shows, social media or daydreaming. Literally barely engaged with reality. So it's so hard to believe a whole year passed... I can barely remember anything that happened during this year. I can't believe this is my life. Probably doesn't really matter cause I don't plan on staying there that long. There is no way I'm going to experience piece with myself. So I will be out in a year or so, since my plan requires some time. Finally will end it all. It just feels very weird. A whole year passed. I was so deep down in my head I didn't even notice. It's scary.

BigMush94

Date posted: 24d ago

People on Reddit will agree/disagree with anything so please don't take that as confirmation what you did was bad. This disease can convince you that something you did, that may have been a little bit bad, is the worst thing in the world. I've always thought that it was insane; I also struggle with real event OCD, and I sit and think I beat myself up over and over, about things I've done in the past, bad things. But then there's prisons full of people who have done things 100x worse than me, who feel no regrets and live an anxious free life Such is this disease, it can be horrible, but it's really worth sticking around, I promise.

emma345

Date posted: 24d ago

Thank u for the response, but tbh I know my event was bad. Not only because people on reddit agree, I just know it was bad. Maybe not the worst thing in the world, but it was bad. Also disturbing. I mean I searched for similar stories on reddit, and people who done something similar feel awful and struggle to forgive themselves even without ocd. Because something like this is morally wrong, disgusting and disturbing. I just don't know if the fact that there are people who did worse really helps, cause yk, there will be always someone who is worse. Like imagine if someone killed one person. There are people who killed more. Doesn't mean that someone who killed only one didn't do a horrible thing. I'm not sure it's worth sticking around, my life is kind of over tbh. I've beein struggling with depression and other ocd themes even before this real event ocd, so I never was very enthusiastic about living, and this just made it 100 times worse. I think it would be just best for me if I die. I just want to feel some peace before I do so.

BigMush94

Date posted: 23d ago

@emma345 Are you medicated at all? Or had any professional help?

emma345

Date posted: 23d ago

@BigMush94 No, I'm not on meds. I will need to visit a psychiatrist for that. I once tried therapy and I hated it, I just realize I can't stand talking about my feelings in real life. I also realized i wont be able to confess my event in real life. I mean I halfway did once but I kinda lied and changed it up a little bit for it to not sound that bad. Also that would mean I need to get my parents involved since I'm a minor and I don't want to share stuff like that with them. Tbh my mother doesn't even believe I have ocd and think I'm being dramatic, even thought she said herself that I was constantly struggling with intrusive thoughts, nightmares, weird repetitive behaviors, anxiety and a bunch of other obvious ocd symptoms since I was 4. But of course "it's not ocd" But tbh even if she did believe me I hate the idea of therapy so it doesn't really matter anyway So no I'm not on meds or in therapy

Someone99

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 24d ago

Hi. I can relate. Real event is my main theme. At its worst I find myself living in a daze, driving through red lights, missing exits as the GPS is directing me, rolling on the floor all night with my head in my hands all night and so on... There is hope. I promise you there is. Whatever mistakes we make don't define us, there's no "bad people", just people who make mistakes sometimes. You posted this because you feel no one cares, no one understands. I assure you there are people here who will be glad to walk through this with you. I absolutely will. I've been where you are now.

emma345

Date posted: 24d ago

Thank you for the kind words. But idk I wouldn't really agree that there are no bad people... like the concept of bad exist for a reason. Would u say idk a child rapist is not a bad person but someone who just make a mistake? I doubt it.. so I feel like there are bad people for sure. And when I did some of my events I was a bad person. In other events I literally didn't know I was doing something wrong, so idk was I a bad person, but the act itself was very bad for sure. I just don't know where we draw a line between mistakes who are just mistakes and don't define us and something actually very bad. Maybe there is hope, but tbh I don't really want to stay alive. Maybe for a year or something. After that I will be 18, I will need to find a job, find a place to live. I will watch my friends go to college, live a life, and I will just live a very miserable life of trying to run away from guilt by distracting myself. I will probably become an alcoholic or a drug addict. Tbh I'm not even sad anymore when I think about dying, the thought about it all ending makes me actually happy. I just want to find some peace with myself before I die.

Someone99

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 24d ago

@emma345 Good discussion point about the child rapist. But even the worst among us is redeemable. Not my rules, the Creator of it all says so. Although yes, some, many are too hardened to repent. The difference here, you know you made a mistake. I bet it's not as bad as you are punishing yourself for. OCD is a liar. I know there is hope for you, and more than that, there's purpose for you.

Someone99

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 23d ago

@emma345 Emma, in 2018, I did the worst "thing" I ever did, in fact something I never imagined I'd do. It led me to the psych ward where I spent 20 days. The first 14 days I didn't respond to anything, didn't eat, just laid there "knowing" everything that was going to "happen" to me and others due to my actions.The docs didn't even suspect OCD and drugged the shit out of me. Well, almost 7 years later, none of what I "knew" was going to happen came true, not even close.

Someone99

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 23d ago

@emma345 Real event OCD seems to also project itself in to the future creating a false reality that we ruminate over. Maybe that's called something else, officially, but this is what you're experiencing, based on what you wrote to me and others here. Thing is, God is the God of creation and the God of truth, hope, forgiveness, redemption, love... I sincerely hope you talk to me. Please write back sometime?

emma345

Date posted: 23d ago

@Someone99 Sorry you had to go through that and thanks for the response. I understand your point, but since I don't believe in god, I don't have that confidence that everyone is redeemable and everyone deserves forgiveness. And since people's opinions are very different on this topic, it's up to me to decide how bad it was for me and how much of a bad person I am. And tbh righ now I feel like a horrible one

Someone99

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 23d ago

@emma345 Of course you do. That's what OCD does, distortions and lies. I'm glad it's not about people's opinions, because yes they are all different. If everyone had the same opinion, and it was that the sky should be green, would the sky be green? Quite frankly, I don't think a green sky would be as nice as a blue one, just my opinion. Of course that was established by an intelligent creator, so people's opinions don't matter. So as we walk around in the world created by an intelligent creator, and declare there is no creator...who is correct?

issphra 🫶🏻

Date posted: 24d ago

In my opinion, Reddit isn’t good for anyone. I once posted about a real OCD-related event in an OCD forum, where I translated something from Spanish to English. In English, it may have sounded racist, but it wasn’t a slur at all—it was just a description (meant to be a compliment mind you). People still attacked me, calling me racist and saying it wasn’t okay. On top of that, they were bashing my dog, saying she was ‘less than human,’ which was just wild. It was ridiculous. The best decision I made was deleting the app and my account about a month ago, and I’ve actually felt better since then. I’m sorry you experienced such a thrall from OCD. It can be scary and surreal to look back on, being trapped in your own head. I’m glad you’re still with us, stay strong. You’ve managed to stay strong for over a year, you can do this

emma345

Date posted: 24d ago

I mean yeah reddit can be a weird place for sure, but in my case I feel like most answers were reasonable. Because my event was actually really bad. Like people with similar stories who don't have ocd still struggle to forgive themselves. I just have ocd on top of doing something really bad yk. But thanks for the support, I appreciate it

Ellie.

Date posted: 25w ago

I’m not sure what to do some advice would be nice

I remembered something I did a couple of months ago that has changed me completely from trusting myself it was a conversation I had with my cousin and something they said unrelated made me remember this happening, I went into a full blown identity crisis i couldn’t walk out of my room or get out of my bed for months paranoid and scared of everything I’m still scared and feel like I don’t even deserve to shower I’m working on it slowly each day but I knew I had to get a therapist and I was diagnosed with ocd because of this event I remembered, and I just don’t know what to do…. I read online that it doesn’t matter how little or bad the event is it’s still ocd regardless when diagnosed but I know I have a compulsion to see others real events and it is nothing compared to mine which I shouldn’t compare but it’s difficult because no matter what I have to come to terms that it’s undeniably bad legally and morally what I did and it’s just so confusing how it’s something I JUST learned about months ago I’m literally in my mid 20s, and I went years without even realizing how troubled my childhood was and yes my real event happened during that time but I was still a teen and old enough to know better but I didn’t understand the magnitude of what I did at the time still no excuse though, this is where I don’t know what To do because 1. I already know what I did was awful and there’s no excuse for it 2. I can’t apologize in my situation that I don’t feel comfortable sharing specifics yet3. Yes I know I changed so much obviously I’m a grown adult now I know what’s appropriate and what’s not that’s why I’m so troubled over this and I never did anything like that again, I’m literally in the happiest relationship and seeing a therapist to also help me understand all this trauma, this event involved my cousin but even they are cool with me and very close as well hasn’t said anything I don’t know if they remember or not but it’s not something I can talk about with them at least not yet (again just don’t want to go in to specifics) but this is why is so confusing and has caused me to have intrusive thoughts about everything EVERYTHING the what ifs what if they remember what if I go to jail what if they hate me what if I’m denying who I have been and I’m this horrible person this whole time without even realizing and everything is a lie my relationship my joy for things what if I’m a ped, what if I can’t love or care what if I’m a person who just harms others manipulates I even spiraled thinking I was going to physically harm someone… it’s very bizarre to me because before my OCD my biggest anxiety was just having to learn how to drive…I’m in my 20s just to mention that again😭 I have probably almost all intrusive ocd categories, These thoughts never existed in my head until I remembered my event it has completely traumatized me but do I even deserve to feel better do I deserve to get help if I did something unforgivable do I move on or don’t? Should I even be living life I just feel guilty even breathing stepping outside I know for a fact if people knew they would never trust me they would feel like I probably should go to jail but do I go on to what others feel or myself? I know I wouldn’t harm anyone regardless of what my ocd tells me I never did anything like that again and wouldn’t but if it’s something that even legally I could be punished for does all of that not matter? I’m sorry I’m just trying to figure out what the right thing to do is , I’m continuing therapy and getting the help but obviously my therapist cannot say if I should be punished legally but even my boyfriend said that if I turned myself in they wouldn’t even take me seriously because I don’t even remember everything fully it was so long ago, but from what I do remember it’s still bad enough mainly just of me being a teen, I don’t want to make that event my identity but I just am so freaked out I feel awful what if I caused trauma to another person and all these years I didn’t even know, this event only happened once that I remember, there were things that happened to me as a child that would explain why it happened but it’s still not an excuse, I did a compulsion and googled what would it be called or the charges for it and the words that popped up triggered me to my core as anyone would feel if they were as stupid as me those words I googled are what monsters are so it’s hard not to think of myself as that it’s hard to not make that my identity if that IS what happened, is living with this guilt my punishment?I don’t want to give up on life I want to love and care and just love life I know this is complicated and a lot not much I can do but I’m just so lost.

Real Events OCD

Agent K

Date posted: 24w ago

Real Event Ocd

Hi there I talk about religion (but I'm not trying to force it down anyone's throat) So my main event (which is the one that truly bothers me) happened in 2015 when I was 14. I won't go into any details or anything. I will say that it got so bad once that I almost committed something detrimental to my health earlier this year. Not long after that I spoke to a doctor and basically confessed what's been happening to my brain and my mistakes, he mentioned things that really resonated with me, I'll paraphrase a bit: "Okay, so what you did was not good but it's not something to condemn yourself for. It falls into the grey area, you've apologized and have been forgiven (even though I apologized over text, which comes across cowardly)but it seems that you haven't forgiven yourself. There's a whole lot of difference between you at 14 and you at 23. Try to have some perspective." This really helped and it still does, but unfortunately ocd tries to find a way around this. I'll get a thought of "oh but you forgot to mention that other part of the event" and it magnifies it. Can anyone relate? I've done everything but fully move on because I sometimes feel like I don't deserve to move on. And I'm still worried over the future.

ConstantPain

Date posted: 8w ago

Dealing with a lot. Need support and company.

My last and almost life long theme/sub-theme largely subsided recently and my ocd felt like it wasn’t even an issue. Then I went on winter break from uni and being alone made my mind come up with a whole new topic to obsess over. TLDR on my fears, my advisor wouldn’t email me back for a while about signing up for classes so my mind started to worry “what if he doesn’t in time and you can’t enroll this semester and you lose this whole life you just built and all these new friends” So when that issue was resolved my mind found other scarier ways I could be uprooted from my current life and friends that I’ve grown so attached to. Then my mind remembered back when I was struggling with false memories and scrupulosity and I essentially made a post on a forum 2 and a half years ago saying I did something or was convinced I did something that I never actually did. Now I’ve been spiraling about someone finding it reporting me and I either get seen as a horrible person or arrested or something over something I never actually did but “admitted” to out of fear of going to hell. My mind won’t let it go and keeps finding new reasons for it to be “valid” “logical” or even inevitable. I feel like it’s just hanging over my head and I can never rest easy. Especially when I try to focus on my daily tasks or plan for the future I get this horrible flair up of “why plan for the future when this could come back in that future and you get uprooted from all of it” my mind won’t rest without certainty being uprooted won’t happen but certainty doesn’t exist, at least not with ocd. This sucks and I miss being care free.

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Lost a year of life to real event ocd

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