Lost a year of life to real event ocd

Thank u for the response, but tbh I know my event was bad. Not only because people on reddit agree, I just know it was bad. Maybe not the worst thing in the world, but it was bad. Also disturbing. I mean I searched for similar stories on reddit, and people who done something similar feel awful and struggle to forgive themselves even without ocd. Because something like this is morally wrong, disgusting and disturbing. I just don't know if the fact that there are people who did worse really helps, cause yk, there will be always someone who is worse. Like imagine if someone killed one person. There are people who killed more. Doesn't mean that someone who killed only one didn't do a horrible thing. I'm not sure it's worth sticking around, my life is kind of over tbh. I've beein struggling with depression and other ocd themes even before this real event ocd, so I never was very enthusiastic about living, and this just made it 100 times worse. I think it would be just best for me if I die. I just want to feel some peace before I do so.

@emma345 Are you medicated at all? Or had any professional help?

@BigMush94 No, I'm not on meds. I will need to visit a psychiatrist for that. I once tried therapy and I hated it, I just realize I can't stand talking about my feelings in real life. I also realized i wont be able to confess my event in real life. I mean I halfway did once but I kinda lied and changed it up a little bit for it to not sound that bad. Also that would mean I need to get my parents involved since I'm a minor and I don't want to share stuff like that with them. Tbh my mother doesn't even believe I have ocd and think I'm being dramatic, even thought she said herself that I was constantly struggling with intrusive thoughts, nightmares, weird repetitive behaviors, anxiety and a bunch of other obvious ocd symptoms since I was 4. But of course "it's not ocd" But tbh even if she did believe me I hate the idea of therapy so it doesn't really matter anyway So no I'm not on meds or in therapy

Thank you for the kind words. But idk I wouldn't really agree that there are no bad people... like the concept of bad exist for a reason. Would u say idk a child rapist is not a bad person but someone who just make a mistake? I doubt it.. so I feel like there are bad people for sure. And when I did some of my events I was a bad person. In other events I literally didn't know I was doing something wrong, so idk was I a bad person, but the act itself was very bad for sure. I just don't know where we draw a line between mistakes who are just mistakes and don't define us and something actually very bad. Maybe there is hope, but tbh I don't really want to stay alive. Maybe for a year or something. After that I will be 18, I will need to find a job, find a place to live. I will watch my friends go to college, live a life, and I will just live a very miserable life of trying to run away from guilt by distracting myself. I will probably become an alcoholic or a drug addict. Tbh I'm not even sad anymore when I think about dying, the thought about it all ending makes me actually happy. I just want to find some peace with myself before I die.

@emma345 Good discussion point about the child rapist. But even the worst among us is redeemable. Not my rules, the Creator of it all says so. Although yes, some, many are too hardened to repent. The difference here, you know you made a mistake. I bet it's not as bad as you are punishing yourself for. OCD is a liar. I know there is hope for you, and more than that, there's purpose for you.

@emma345 Emma, in 2018, I did the worst "thing" I ever did, in fact something I never imagined I'd do. It led me to the psych ward where I spent 20 days. The first 14 days I didn't respond to anything, didn't eat, just laid there "knowing" everything that was going to "happen" to me and others due to my actions.The docs didn't even suspect OCD and drugged the shit out of me. Well, almost 7 years later, none of what I "knew" was going to happen came true, not even close.

@emma345 Real event OCD seems to also project itself in to the future creating a false reality that we ruminate over. Maybe that's called something else, officially, but this is what you're experiencing, based on what you wrote to me and others here. Thing is, God is the God of creation and the God of truth, hope, forgiveness, redemption, love... I sincerely hope you talk to me. Please write back sometime?

@Someone99 Sorry you had to go through that and thanks for the response. I understand your point, but since I don't believe in god, I don't have that confidence that everyone is redeemable and everyone deserves forgiveness. And since people's opinions are very different on this topic, it's up to me to decide how bad it was for me and how much of a bad person I am. And tbh righ now I feel like a horrible one

@emma345 Of course you do. That's what OCD does, distortions and lies. I'm glad it's not about people's opinions, because yes they are all different. If everyone had the same opinion, and it was that the sky should be green, would the sky be green? Quite frankly, I don't think a green sky would be as nice as a blue one, just my opinion. Of course that was established by an intelligent creator, so people's opinions don't matter. So as we walk around in the world created by an intelligent creator, and declare there is no creator...who is correct?

I mean yeah reddit can be a weird place for sure, but in my case I feel like most answers were reasonable. Because my event was actually really bad. Like people with similar stories who don't have ocd still struggle to forgive themselves. I just have ocd on top of doing something really bad yk. But thanks for the support, I appreciate it