i feel fake

@Someone99 not yet, i will have it later this day

@Mariabae Ok. What part of the world are you located? It's 1am where I am lol

@Someone99 southeastern europe, its 14:31 as im writing this comment

@Someone99 and my appointment is at 17:00

@Mariabae That's awesome! Your location, I mean. So, at this moment you're probably at your appointment! Let me know how things go when you have a chance. 🙏🏼

@Someone99 hi, im home now, she wanted to know more about my past and everything, i told her how it stared and things about my past childhood friendships, she told me its all about the fear i have. We didnt have that much time bc it was only 1 hour but she gave me some homework. to write in a book my thoughts and feelings and then read it and write a conclusion , some grounding techniques and some breathing exercises to do when i am calm. She didnt gave me a diagnostic on what i have but told me fear and the fear of the sensation that panic attacks its what gets to me. Also she asked me if i have thyroid problems which i had 2 years ago but i had a surgery and i am ok now

@Someone99 and she told me she want me to calm myself on my own without the help of anyone and anything, and everything i have is a big fear of it being true. But im still so scared i dont actually love him and that i lost feelings, in supe scared

@Mariabae Sounds like it was a good step for the first session. It takes time. I understand you're wanting immediate answers and relief, but it's going to require a little patience. I know, that's the worst. What if you accepted the thought that you may have lost the feelings? I'm not saying to break up with him, just accept it. Example: I have some S.O. struggles. OCD causes me to have panic attacks and anxiety "oh no, I'm gay, what if I'm gay, I can't possibly be gay, my life is over if I'm gay" and so on. So, what I learned is to accept it, or allow it more accurately said. The thought "I'm gay" pops in to my mind, I just let it there, even saying internally "ok, I'm gay, so?". Funny thing is, on a short time I never knew how "not gay" I am until I allowed it. OCD is a tricky menace. It is absolutely our reaction to thoughts, urges, attractions, ect that keeps us swirling around never being able to be grounded in who we really are. One of my exercises in ERP was to write out scenarios. What if scenarios. Then look at them on paper, notice my reaction to what I'm reading, and just allowing the reactions to happen. Notice them, don't respond. So yeah, that's similar to what she suggested by writing, journalling your thoughts and feelings. Whether you do or don't love him isn't ultimately the issue, it's that you're stuck in a place where you can't even answer that and that is definitely frightening. I understand how scary this is to you. It's ok to not be ok sometimes. No need to make decisions right now. Right now is about your self care. :-)

@Mariabae And it's kinda cool your bf is understanding the way he is, and willing to allow you the time. :-)

@Someone99 thank you for this. i think he is a bit over all of this bc he is directly affected, he keeps telling me that the change is in me and i shall not depend on therapy, and says my problem is that, i am keep waiting for the time i am heal (heald??? idk how to spell lol) instead of taking action

@Mariabae Im not sure if it's healed, lol. Never good at spelling either. 😊 But I hope he can be patient through this. The two of you are young, and have plenty of time. It will be worth it if he is. If I could talk to him myself, that's what I'd say. Thank you for sharing this with me. I'm always willing to be here for you and any who struggle as I do. 🙂

@Someone99 im so scared and i am writing in my notebook and in scarrd in actually in denial and that i dont like him and that i am a liar and it feels real and im super scared

@Mariabae So what you're writing then reading is the trigger. Notice what is going on in you. Here's the difficult part, allow the discomfort, sit with it, no compulsions. It's difficult and helps to have someone talking you through it. I would if I could.