Ramadan

Backstory: I was raised heavily Christian on my dad's side up until about middle school but then was sort of transitioned away from it and was atheist/didn't think about it. Then towards the end of middle school and through high school I was pushed heavily by my mother's side (and by the internet) into more spiritual practices. Both of which triggered my OCD a lot. After realizing how much they affected my mental health I tried to get as far away from both as possible for a while. But now I'm receiving a LOT of signs to turn back to religion but this time Islam???? I don't know it's hard to describe but I feel very conflicted. There's a lot I don't agree with in the religion. It has a lot of the same contradictions and stuff that Christianity had that I can't get behind but also like... What if I'm wrong. I also keep doing these mental gymnastics to try and make everything I disagree with make sense and look at things in different perspectives than other people. There's a lot about the religion that compels me too, much more than Christianity. But now I'm scared to do anything sinful, even things that I used to feel no guilt for. The guilt is the WORST. I feel bad for things I shouldn't feel bad for. The other thing is I'm very queer, and trans masculine. I know that makes me sound crazy. That part of me is screaming not to do this. But the part of me that's compelling me back to religion is telling me that I would actually feel okay being straight and a woman if I accepted Islam. It's the ONLY thing that's made me feel like that would be comfortable and okay for myself. Maybe that in of itself is a sign that it's the truth. It's insane that I would actually feel that way. I would even be okay wearing hijab and everything, dressing modest and feminine. But on the other hand I will ALWAYS be a science first person. That directly contradicts one of the key ideas of Islam, that the Quran is the exact word of God and that it is unchanged. My particular issue being that I will never believe in creationism. At the same time I know that my dad would have been extremely proud of me for finding God. While he did renounce organized religion towards the end of his life (he was also very sick and on a lot of medication) he still very much believed in God and wished that for his children. Part of me feels that even though I cannot find God in Christianity he would still be proud of me for finding God in Islam. But I also feel a lot of my identity has been formed around the spiritual practices of my mom's side of the family. That is also what I'm constantly surrounded by and what is largely expected of my. I do fear falling too deep into those beliefs was the worst for my OCD though. I was constantly worried about all the things I "needed" to do or else I would have bad consequences. I even believed I was the reason of my father's death at some point. I might still believe that to a degree. I'm afraid I can't really talk about this with anyone because Im afraid I would come off as someone who just wants to parade around Islamic culture while cherry picking what I want from it. That might even be the case idk. I could just be randomly finding something to build an identity around because of some narcissistic need for attention. Idk someone tell me what I should do.

I joined a worship fellowship group with friends at my community college it’s not a extracurricular thing but it’s someone just putting a thing together. but i can’t tell if this is my ocd. but i’m having thoughts of “what if i’m not believing God anymore?” or “what if this isn’t my ocd” or “what if i’m lying to myself and i don’t trust God and this is real” “what if this is real and i don’t wanna be close to God anymore” it’s like triggering because i’m a new christian and still learning about a lot of stuff since i just joined a group because i’m trying to get into more of Gods word. but i get scared of opening because i sin and i tend to be so hard on myself or if i see others like be christian and cuss and i’m like all suprised but idk i think im afraid of opening up in this type of stuff around christian’s that know a lot as i’m still learning… and sometimes i think my ocd will be like “ugh we have to talk about God all the time” and i’m like no no i want to… i’ve had ocd for a year now and my therapist has been in the hospital and i need to sit with it but it’s so hard bc i’m trying to figure if it’s real or not or if i’m lying to myself but i have a current second therapist rn and she’s teaching me about how rumination works and how to stop it. because i struggle with it ugh. i’m so scared this is real. i believe in God i do i just hate these thoughts why does it feel real