Was just remembering and ruminating on extremely traumatic and disturbing drawings I looked at as a teen. I'm trying to move past it because I cannot go back and unsee what I've seen, it's so difficult though. Feeling like people would look at me with disgust and I don't deserve the love that I crave desperately.
Hi, it must be hard to remember such a traumatic experience. I’m glad you’re able to recognize that you’re ruminating—it’s not always easy to catch ourselves in that pattern. It’s true that we can’t go back and change the past, but we can offer ourselves some self-compassion and recognize that we are no longer the same person we used to be. I hope things get better for you. You deserve kindness, especially from yourself. 💙
I'm so sorry. OCD can make us feel disgust and like we don't deserve love. Please know that OCD is a bully and a liar. You deserve love and I'm really sorry that you experienced these difficult things in the past and that your OCD is ruminating on it now. That sounds so upsetting. Do you have an ERP therapist to help you navigate this and find relief?
Hi Silly Guppy! First I want to say that I and the other therapists here at NOCD care about your feelings of shame and guilt. Im sorry to hear how much this has affected you throughout your life. These thoughts are intrusive, and lead to shame and guilt, affecting your self image in many ways. We hear of these things experienced by you every day like this and you wont be the first OR the last.. This sounds like OCD has you in a cycle, and the more you think about this, the more "important" it becomes and you soon have problems thinking about anything else! You can move past this ! Exposure coupled with response prevention is the gold standard to help you break through your doubts and fears. I and the other therapists in Oregon can help you change these thought patterns. Please give us a call, join a support group, and believe you can change no matter what OCD says! We want to HELP! I know I want to after reading this!
Hi there, I am so sorry to hear that your thoughts are latching onto something that was so difficult for you to see. I appreciate you sharing some of your experiences here and want you to know that you are not alone. I am wondering if you have considered or are currently in any type of therapy to help support you in your journey? These sound like some very difficult thoughts to try and cope with alone.
@Deborah Ward I am in therapy yes, I just feel hesitant to share everything.
Rumination is a hard compulsion to resist! It's important to remember that you do have agency though; you can stop ruminating. It takes practice though. https://youtu.be/UXIllLvRUZE?feature=shared I think this video really sums it up. See what you think!
My intrusive images were an absolute nightmare back in April. I honestly don’t even know how it got better, I had written a letter to God begging for help. Well recently idk if it’s because I’ve been stressed a lot again and ruminating on a lot of pocd related things from the past the make me worry, but the images have started again and even though they are repulsive and awful, I feel like I’m not reacting how I should. I think I just got to where I would just try to like blink it away and ignore it, but I feel so bad if I’m not feeling absolute shame and guilt. I feel like I feel too normal and sometimes I forget that if anyone knew besides people on here, I can’t imagine what people would think, but I also know it’s not who I am so I feel like I don’t worry as much as I should. Also, I can’t stop worrying about fanfiction I read when I was like 16 and 17. It really bothers me because I keep wondering did I imagine this one character my age? Why did I read this? Did I even know what aging up was then, and even if I did it’s wrong and gross anyway but if I didn’t age this character up then that’s awful. And i just can’t let go but I think it’s triggering me to have the images so idk what to do.
When i was between the ages of 11-18 i was a very mentally ill and hyper sexual kid. I did a lot pf sexting, sent nudes, and even one video of me doing inappropriate things that haunt me to this day. I have changed a lot since then and realized that this was all jn relation to (TW!!) sexual abuse i experienced as a child/teen. I still feel horrible for the things that I have done and think about this daily. I beat myself up because I know it was wrong of me to act that way growing up. Im afraid that someone will find these texts/pictures/videos one day and it will lead to my complete humiliation. I want to throw up at the thought of people i know and love seeing me act that. Its not who I am or who I ever was. I regret that part of my life so deeply it hurts.
I feel like a really terrible person right now, I keep replaying this, and no matter what I can’t remember what happened, it’s like my brain is purposely not letting me think about it. Without wasting any more time, I’ll get into it. Basically, I was at Walmart, and looking at cards with My Dad, I saw anime ones, took pictures of them for my sister, even ones that were anime kids, because I did my best to ignore it, so I looked at a Hunter x Hunter card, I stared at the black haired kid, being all like “ I’m glad I’m not having any thoughts about this, I’m glad I’m having normal thoughts and not thinking anything” I felt happy, then as soon as I looked at killua (white haired kid), everything collapsed. I don’t know what happened, my brain won’t let me remember. But I’ll give bits and pieces. I think that I had false attraction, and something in my head, said “oh, I wouldn’t mind being attracted.” “He is attractive, and I’m attracted to him.” “I remember a girl thinking he is attractive and he is” “ It’s not wrong to be attracted” “ I don’t care about his age” .. something along the lines of that, and now I’m panicking super hard, because I’m worried if I said those things, I feel like I ruined my life that I’m a pe//do and deserve nothing, idk what to do, I feel terrible… I remember when I was having the intrusive thoughts, I was panicking and was worrying, but it kept playing out, and I kept hearing things talk, it was drawn out too long, that now I feel convinced that I was saying those things, I tested it too, and I can confirm that I didn’t say that, but why am I still not convinced? I know I wouldn’t say those things, I was hoping the complete opposite would happen. My brain kept making me feel like it wasn’t wrong and it was okay. Maybe that’s why I’m so convinced I did that. I’m just spiraling super bad right now, I don’t know what to do or what to think, I don’t know if I said that or not… even if I did test it, I genuinely just feel like I said it, and I wanted it, because I still feel uncertain, I still feel like I said it, part of me just wants to be like oh I did and so I can move on, not because I agree with it, I just don’t know what else to do… I’m really scared.
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