Constantly doubting if HOCD; wanted to talk to some fellow sufferers. what’s up everybody. I’ve been dealing with doubts and fear around my sexuality for at least 8 years. It came on in a rush when I was 20, when I had an admiring thought about a male class mate, and got an erection. I panicked and called my ma for reassurance immediately. The following 8 years have been filled with doubts. I never really wanted to date or have sex with another guy. But the last few years the intrusions into my headspace have been really bad. Especially the last few months. I decided to start seeing an OCD specialist. I’ve done all kinds of checking, testing, denying thoughts. I’ve slept with plenty of women, and still want that to be my true outcome at the end of this ordeal. However, I notice guys so much- their eyes, their muscles, sometimes how deep their voice is. Sometimes I am triggered by the word gay, related words, or even words that LOOK like the word gay when written down. I’m majorly avoidant and am just concerned that I’m in the closet and deep in denial. I have not felt that loving feeling for a woman ever since this whole thing started. I may feel attracted for awhile but then I start trying to quantify how attracted I am and it disappears. Said to my therapist the other day— I wish I could just get hit in the head with a rock and BE gay, because then I would know the answer for sure. Anyway, I’m doing ERP. I hope there are people on here that can relate to my story. God bless gay people; they have to deal with so much!