Someone to talk to

I'm so sorry this is so late of a response and I don't even know if you're up anymore since it's late for me and therefore I'll be assuming it's late for you, haha, but I haven't been doing the greatest lately. I've been having pretty bad anxiety attacks which I can only assume are being triggered due to my intrusive thoughts, these thoughts used to send me spiraling, panic attacks, crying non-stop, hitting my own head, begging God to take away this stupid mental illness but now after months of repeating all this . . . It doesn't feel the same anymore like I genuinely "like" the intrusive thoughts now, I can no longer with confidence say that I won't act on my thoughts anymore or whether or not I don't like those thoughts anymore, for Christ sake, I used to be suicidal over these thoughts and now it's like a complete 180 after a year of struggling like this. I don't know what's happening and I can't even say I'm scared because I don't know what I'm feeling, I'm tired

@Anonymous No problem. Okay, firstly i don’t want to start typing this way but i want you to know that this is me too. Don’t worry its not only you! And i understand life is not life anymore, and it’s completely alright to feel that ways as you said, having anxiety attacks is something i go everyday i swear on this, and i can relate how intrusive thoughts play around this way and yes they actually hurt alot and trust me it still does to me. I understand how you are now in the neutral phase where you are just done with your intrusive thoughts and you cant tell if you can work on it or you just “like” them, thats normal because its a usual activity for us living with these kind of thoughts and it is deeply attached in us neglecting the wanting of it, it was never a choice for us. And please don’t think in that negative way i understand you are lost even im everyone in anxiety is bro, but keeping yourself busy always works! I do this every time try not siting alone keep doing things do not let those thoughts find a way to enter ik this seems to be nothing as a help but i have done this and it really helps if you think this way that “its okay i’ll handle it” be positive at every point and just do your work remember it’s your “brain tricks” because obviously you were way better before when you never had these things this shows its nothing but just the mind games, i have seen this outside whenever you let go your one anxiety thought it makes it loose the attraction towards you, its normal to feel stressed and anxious but it’s totally wrong to hurt yourself like the way you said u hit your own head, thats never a solution, just remember eventually im nothing, actually no one is but God who loves you a lot more than you think are the only one for your help and they are watching you! He never wants his own child suffering right, trust me you are going to get alright do not stress but keep the trust on God they will always help no matter what and of course you have me too! :) Remember you are not alone in this its many more people like you who are suffering and many more who got better in this. Just my overthinking thought, if i hurt you while typing this im really sorry! God loves you and is watching you and you have me who you can talk with anytime you want, do not stress its okay to live this way because its me too, take care!