missing a person my rOCD took away from me

i hate ocd so deeply. just a few months ago the idea of moving in ( in the future ) with the love of my life was comforting and it kept me going. the idea of sharing our lives was everything i needed. now because of ocd it feels like a nightmare, im not excited anymore. ocd makes me doubt that im a bad lover, that i wanted to deeply hurt my lover in the past and that i forgot about it. our relationship was the most comforting thing in my life, genuinely a safe place where i could rest, i felt normal around my lover i could let go of the feeling that I'm a monster. now it's terrible, it's all ruined, i feel like we shouldn't be together, it's a genuine nightmare, and it's not because of them, i love them so much they are the most beautiful person i ever met. it's just that not knowing if i wanted to hurt them or not makes me feel like i shouldnt be around them, so insisting on being in their life makes me feel horrified. my therapist says i shouldn't break up with them because this is all ocd. my lover wants to be with me, they always tell me about how they can't wait to live together, i think they r happy and feel loved in this relationship but it doesn't change how i feel. i Just wish i could go back in time idk what to do anymore. this is what i cherished most in my life and i don't have it anymore and i don't know if ill ever get it back

Hey everyone, First time posting here! Wanted to share my story for some support but also to hopefully make others feel less alone. In short - my ROCD has made such a mess of my personal life. I was in a great relationship until spring of last year, at which point we separated mainly due to my ROCD. I struggled heavily with OCD about 10 years ago (harm based intrusive thoughts, sexual orientation ocd, etc). It took a lot of work but I was able to mostly overcome my struggles and truthfully, hadn’t given ocd much thought since then. I thought I was cured. And then 10 years later I am in a very fulfilling relationship with a girl I really love, but at about the year mark in my relationship things really changed. She wanted to have a conversation about next steps (moving in, marriage, kids, etc) and at that point my brain just went into panic mode and the ocd took over. From that point on, I was constantly scanning for red flags, felt very reserved when it came to any sort of statement or commitment and tended to avoid anything that would indicate I was committed to a long term future. It was not that I didn’t love it was just that my ocd was doing anything to keep me from making a big commitment. It eventually got a point where we had a big conversation about breaking up or staying together and my OCD convinced me that it was safer and that I would do less harm to her if we ended things, which was incredibly devastating to me. At the time I felt like my obsessing over small red flags were normal and that I needed to protect myself. I just had no clue it was ROCD. I spent the next 8 months missing her and kicking myself for my mistakes, and I eventually got the courage to reach out and see if she’d be willing to talk again, which she was. But the problem is, at this point I still didn’t know it was ocd. So when we talked again I was still plagued by ROCD as all the same thoughts and feelings came flooding back. We tried to talk through things but once again I was unable to make any sort of commitment to the future so it went nowhere. Once again, I am feeling very sad and angry at myself for not being able to handle ROCD. I feel like I let it control me twice and has robbed me of a lot of happiness and hurt someone I care very much about. I understand it’s probably not best to just look at ourselves with anger and guilt all the time but it’s hard not to when you feel like you just caused so much harm. Anyone feel like they can relate? Or if anyone is going through something similar I am happy to chat as ROCD can really be tricky. Thanks

I had a massive falling out with my person before I got diagnosed with ocd and specifically rOCD. It wasn’t all me of course but not knowing I had ocd at all and believing all my thoughts and feeling in that time made that relationship really strained!! I miss them so much, I know so much more about myself now but all they know of me is me having a complete ocd meltdown and all the bad traits that come with that….because I didn’t know what was going on. Their version of me would be so different to me now. I want them back in my life so badly, sorry :( just needed to express that. I miss them so much. I was so safe and comfortable with them.