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hi. so one big factor of my OCD is rumination. i met a guy who i have a crush on the idea of (idea bc there are red flags). my biggest fear is not finding true love, my ex told me no one else would deal with what i have (my ocd, specifically reassurance seeking and getting overstimulated after intimacy). a few weeks ago, my friends and family all gathered and tried to give me advice that sounded like “you’re shy and you’ll never find someone.” after that, i’ve felt off. i’ve been using an unhealthy coping skill, daydreaming, and i’ve just felt unbalanced. my ocd makes everything feel different sometimes, i can’t explain it. life, myself, almost like being in a dissociated state. has anyone else experienced that? i don’t know how to remain balanced during my off times and i know pms exasperates it all. i take ashwaghanda and omega 3s in a multi vitamin daily. i take them all together in the evening but i’ve missed three days recently and also messed with my rocky sleep schedule because of fun times with friends. i hope these supplements work, because i don’t know if i’d be brave enough for medication. i had a bad reaction on prozac and often am forgetful. i just have been battling my OCD consciously for almost ten years now and unconsciously for longer. i am so tired, as my mental health extends beyond my OCD. i’m in talk therapy with some cbt aspects but i only see her twice a month. i’ve broken down so many times and promised myself id get on track or that certain things would work, but it’s like i am stuck in a circle that gets smaller when i’m able to help myself. i just want to be normal. i want to be able to mess up my sleep schedule to enjoy good times and not suffer horrible consequences or fear that i will be entirely thrown off balance. i don’t want to worry or doubt or feel so dissociative that i squint my eyes for a moment and wonder why i feel so unreal. i will never understand why god has allowed me to go through this. i cannot let it be for nothing but i don’t know how much more to bend and contort my body and brain to get somewhere stable but how lovely it would be if i could. i don’t have much of a schedule right now, i get apathetic and give in with things from time to time. one thing can trigger me and i am back to square one wether in a week or month. any advice, any and all is so helpful. your stories, your thoughts. maybe feeling less alone and knowing what has helped you is exactly what i need right now. thank you 💗

I went to a therapist, I told her about the doubts I was having related to my orientation and the continuous compulsion to check again and again and the thoughts. I told her about my resources -podcasts by Ali Greymond, Chrissie Hodges 's videos, and the books I read to overcome and control myself. She said a couple of things that confused me: 1> Her daughter once asked her "what if she liked girls?" As a mom my therapist said, "Start exploring", and the daughter said naahh. I wonder if the daughter had a thought or was it a chain of intrusive thoughts that plagued her day and night like in my case. 2> She said my sources are right, but I should forget that and not think that I have ocd. 3> She also said if there is any chance I am straight, I should walk on that path- because she has seen lesbians and gays have no feelings for the opposite sex. She said she could see that I was not gay or lesbian in any way. 4> She was interested in my education and masters degrees wasted a lot of time talking about that. 5> She said all these thoughts are causing me anxiety disorders (but I don't have ocd, doc?) 6> She pointed out that being happy and in the present removes these thoughts totally but I am causing myself unnecessary distress. I was doing well before this talk with the therapist now I am triggered a bit. Please share your thoughts.

Is it just me or is reddit and quora the worst things to be on when you’re in a spiral or just in general when you have OCD? Why is it always mostly negative replies on there or just ‘move on, get over it’ ‘break up’, ‘what’s wrong with you?’ responses? I’ve accidentally made it a habit/compulsion to go on there when I’m freaking out about something and it always makes me worse - especially when it comes to ROCD! It always make me doubt my own thoughts and emotions :(