Out of all my themes, ROCD has evolved the most. You’re definitely not alone in this, and I actually spoke to someone on this app about it recently.
When you do ERP, it’ll probably get worse before it gets better, but if you don’t, it’ll just get worse anyway. You’re only delaying when it gets better. I’ve had thoughts exactly like the ones you’re having, and thoughts that literally made me feel like I might fall over because they felt so real and weird. Honestly, ROCD can be so rude. It’s like a super clever bully that knows exactly what to say to hurt us, what to make us question, even if it’s just one word.
For ERP, since it can be so hard to start, especially when you’re feeling anxious, maybe try not responding to the thoughts. Not every single one, just a few of them. For example, if you’re talking to your boyfriend and say, “I love you,” and your ROCD says, “You love [insert name] more,” or if you say, “I want to spend the rest of my life with you,” and it says, “No, you want to date other people,” try not to reply. I’m sorry if I can’t come up with proper examples, my OCD has evolved into something else right now, but the point is not to engage. Don’t block the thought or ignore it, just breathe through it. You could use sarcasm against it too or laugh at it, but I found it easier to simply not reply to it when my anxiety is high.
The thoughts are ego-dystonic, but because they feel so real and bring so much doubt, they can make you feel like they’re a real threat to your relationship. The doubt caused by OCD feels like real doubt about the relationship. Since doubt is a natural part of breakups, it can make you feel like the relationship is headed in that direction. That’s what makes ROCD so difficult: the doubt feels just like the kind of doubt you would have in a real relationship problem, making it seem like it’s actually going to happen.
I hope that gave you a little bit of insight. You can do this 🩵
