I would really appreciate it so much if someone took the time to read this and help me. I donāt know what to do anymore.
I havenāt posted here in awhile. I had my OCD managed pretty decently for a year or so on medication, but I had to stop taking it, and after around 3-4 months, the OCD has become unbearable again. It used to be much more surrounding existential themes, eating, and others, not really real event/false memory stuff.
But now itās gotten really out of hand and I donāt know how to do it anymore. Itās surrounding a time of my life a long time ago. It was a dark time. I wasnāt myself and I was going through a lot of things, and I did a lot of things I regret. I self-destructed, embarrassed myself, and wasnāt good to the people around me.
I was able to get my mind off of it for a long time, even though I would still think about it a good amount. I was able to be in the present, at least moreso than now. But now that Iām off medication, the guilt has become my obsession again. I canāt move on. I canāt do anything without thinking about all of these memories. Iām obsessed. Iāve started hating myself again, so much so that itās hard to do anything anymore or believe I deserve anything good.
The people around me tell me it wasnāt even that bad, but to me it was. To me, I failed myself, lost myself, and failed everyone around me. I canāt stop thinking about every person I said something wrong to or every time I screwed up.
Iāve now started to convince myself I did terrible things I canāt remember, and that my mind just canāt deal with it. And thatās why I feel so guilty. Thereās nothing to really support this though.
But Iām starting to really convince myself thatās true.
Iām trying not to listen to it, because Iāve convinced myself I have hit people with my car before and havenāt remembered when I absolutely didnāt and I know I never have. I drive back over and over to check thereās no one, even though I never heard any bang or felt myself anything. I can convince myself of some crazy false memories. So I know that I shouldnāt listen.
But itās hard not to when I have this guilt gnawing at me constantly. I come to conclusions that this guilt must be because I did something terrible that I donāt remember, even though I already think the things I remember were bad enough. But I would know by now right? If I did something bad I donāt remember?
I donāt feel like this all the time. But itās a lot of the time. But maybe that should be reassuring, that I only start obsessing like this when I think to.
The past haunts me though. And I can never be in the present. Iāve started to resort to some unhealthy behaviors to distract myself or help me work towards something. I am starting to hate myself so much and feel like thereās no way Iāll ever be able to get out of this loop. I feel like I just canāt do this anymore.
Maybe I need to go back on medication. But I donāt know. I donāt really want to. But will I ever fix this without it?
Why do I feel SO guilty, all of the time? I do all these things for people because I feel indebted to them, because I feel undeserving of everything. I feel awful about myself. I donāt know what to do. Does anyone else deal with this?