Fellow False memory ocd people

@footballNY32 Oh thank god there’s someone out there going through the same thing. Thank you so much for sharing your story I genuinely appreciate it. I have never felt more pain in my life than when these thoughts started coming up. I am convincedddddd I did it, I don’t even think it’s bullshit. I think I’m fooling the whole world into thinking I’m a good person but I’ve molested children and it DISGUSTS ME. Everyday I have a new person I think I’ve done it to, new people new places, different children from my past and present. This is hell on earth

@Tireddd Please share with me because I had real event ocd too with something small that I blew completely out of proportion..I can’t even look at a kid for too long without thinking I’m being creepy

@izabela’socd I think mine are actually the worse, i was kind of groomed on the internet so i normalized a problematic type of content (i don't want to mention it directly to avoid spiraling, but it was drawn fictional content of SA and deviant themes) and i watched soo many themes of disgusting content, it started when i was like 10-11 and stopped at 15, that's when the anxiety crisis started because i realized the nature of my behaviour, now i don't watch +18 content at all but i still feel so afraid and ashamed of it. I'm like you, i can't be around or see children because i think i would be capable of hurting them for what i did, although all my life i hated abuse, now it seems like i'm losing my identity and everything since the crisis. If it's not fear of being that, it's fear of being a zoo, narcissist, racist, misogynist, and many other things.

@Tireddd I’m not judging you whatsoever. You were 10-11 years old which means it’s not your fault and usually if behaviour is repeated it’s because of the cycle of abuse. When I was a kid like 10-11 too I had a neighbour experiment on me sexually and I ended up experimenting with my best friend because of what I saw on tv and child curiosity. It wasn’t my fault I was a kid and it’s not your fault either

@Tireddd But what’s worse is I’m convinced that as an adult I’ve molested children because the memories are so real and I know they’re true but no one believes me. Everyone thinks it’s just in my head but I know what I did and I don’t know how I’m going to live with myself

@izabela’socd Not judging you either, you were young too!

@izabela’socd But how are you so sure of it? Remember that the mind can make up so many things, if you did something like that you would surely remember it 100%, that's what i believe. Obviously i don't want to give you too much reassurance, and i would recommend that you go to therapy!

@Tireddd Yes I definitely go to therapy but I’m not actually sure tbh I can’t tell what’s real, but I feel it in my gut. And usually people with ocd should not trust their gut feeling but I just know I’m my heart I did it despite all the evidence around me showing me I didn’t do it. I wanted to ask as well, I want to hear this from another person POV. A memory popped up the other day, that when I was like 14 I would have baths with my cousins and my brain is saying I fingered them SORRY TRIGGER WARNING, but I’m so disgusted in myself. I feel like a r*pist, but I was 14 and they were older than me and we were mostly showering together. Is it my fault?

@Tireddd I know I’m asking for reassurance but I just want to know logically from the logical POV would it be my fault even after considering they were older than me and I was 14 plus we were showering together like isn’t that childhood curiosity, I didn’t do it violently or anything like that but I just want to know, logically. Sorry if I triggered you I didn’t mean to 😣

@izabela’socd My opinion is that if it was coercion, that is, manipulation or violence, it would have been inappropriate. But if it wasn't like that it wasn't your fault, if the other person was too old, it might even have been inappropriate/bad towards you.

@Tireddd No no it wasn’t coersion at all, I didn’t even know what I was doing. I was 14 and they were older than me. I didn’t even say anything to coerce them, I just did the action while we showered or something like I didn’t coerce them if that makes sense

@Tireddd I was just sexually curious I didn’t have malicious intent if that makes sense

@izabela’socd I understand your concern, but then i don't think you're bad, you acted out of immaturity and curiosity but you're not bad or a rap*st at all like you say. Sorry if i'm not much help with my words, i don't know much about how to combat it because i have issues with it too 😅 I also think it's harmful to reassure you, with OCD you have to sit with the uncertainty

@izabela’socd I'm not judging you for it, when you're a child or a teenager you do many dumb things because your brain isn't developed and that's a fact

@Tireddd Thank you so much, I really appreciate it. I understand you don’t want to give reassurance but this really helped

@Tireddd And that also applies to what you’re dealing with, you were 10 you’re not a bad person

@izabela’socd When it started i was 10, but the behavior continued until i was 15 because that's when i realized, unfortunately. That makes me feel bad, because i do feel that what i did was really inappropriate :(

@Tireddd But you were groomed like I said it’s the cycle of abuse people repeat things that people have done to them it’s not your fault and you’re not bad for that especially since you feel remorse. There are a lot of bad people in the world who don’t feel guilty for anything

@Tireddd And you REALISED when you were 15 that’s when you realised, like you said the brain is underdeveloped as a teen, it’s not your fault

@Jenna0901 I find it so hard to distinguish the difference between reality and my thoughts. Are your memories mainly sexual too or like you’ve done something bad or is it like random occurrences about things not actually happening in reality? Because I genuinely believe these things happened but no one believes me