False arousal and uncertainty

Just gonna vent, this never happened to me before during my 20 years alive. Whether it is POCD or not, I have truly lost my sense of self and my innocence. Why of all things did this have to happen. Ive been experiencing more strong groinal responses and mixed feelings of arousal regarding specific thoughts. Its so odd, cause last month none of this happened, it was mainly just anxiety and mental breakdowns. Never did I think I would experience physical sensations as well. Acting on compulsions as well left me feeling absolute confusion, Ive stopped doing that but now I get the urge here and there, and Ive learned to sit with the discomfort. All this leaves me with more questions on whether I will truly get through this or not, or if people will understand my situation. On certain days I feel fine, on other days its sheer terror. I blame myself mainly for this all, It is scary as these images, causing both arousal and terror, only result in me feeling like a shell of my former self

POCD

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User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 3d ago

We’ve all been there. OCD knows just what to make u feel, think etc to make you scared. The way you treat the thoughts is essentially the same way you’re going to respond to groinal responses, you’re going to sit with the discomfort and the feelings and keep doing what you’re doing. I KNOW it’s scary especially with our subtype but that’s because OCD knows it scares u that it does this. You got this!

j vv

Date posted: 3d ago

Sorry you are going through this. There is no judgement here! You’d be surprised how many people in this app have experienced something similar to you. You’re not alone 🫂 A couple things stood out to me in your post. - “I blame myself”. Intrusive thoughts are something you cannot control. Thoughts simply happen. They do not determine who you are or whether you are a bad person. Please do not conflate your thoughts (or compulsions you engage in as a response to them) with your self worth. Shame cycles like this have never personally helped me. You can choose to engage with your thoughts or not! It is possible to just let them go after noting any distress you are feeling as a result of them, but it takes practice. - “[…]I’ve learned to sit with the discomfort. All this leaves me with more questions [..]” First, congratulations on sitting with the discomfort! This is a huge step. Watch out for the ‘questions’ part—searching for ‘certainty’, aka rumination can be another form of compulsion, an attempt to soothe anxieties you are feeling by searching for answers. Make sure you aren’t replacing an external compulsion with an internal one! You’re making progress. Be proud of that! Keep working with your therapist. Sometimes it feels worse before it gets better, and that’s ok. Wishing you all the support this weekend 💜

HOY

Date posted: 3d ago

thank you so much for this post, also for some context "I blame myself" was cause I acted on a compulsion. Everything I experienced lines up with OCD. and yeah I am luckily making progress mainly thanks to this application and advice from people like you

j vv

Date posted: 2d ago

@HOY Thanks for sharing and being brave about what you are going through. I can relate to a lot of what you’ve written here! Remember compulsions happen. You may or may not do more in the future. Dwelling on it usually hurts me. Observing it with curiosity instead of assigning meaning to it, as if I was a bystander, was something I learned in therapy that has really helped me understand my own processes in a more objective way. OCD wants a single act to define you, to make you afraid that there is no going back, that you’ll be trapped forever. It stokes more fear and panic, and possibly more compulsions—OCD loves alll of that. My theory is that there is certainty in being irredeemable, and OCD claws for it. I would love for a therapist to weigh in, I definitely want to bring it up in my next appointment to confirm!

Anonimus ME🫥

Date posted: 2d ago

it's the same with me../especially when I do ERP or I allow those thoughts to be there..they say it passes, but I wonder the same as you..

j vv

Date posted: 2d ago

Also, RANDOM side note: I somehow found another comment of yours on one of the older articles here, where you mentioned ‘peeing’ until your bladder feels empty…that’s me too! 😂 so nice to know I’m not alone. I’m still working on that one myself, and I wanted to thank you for sharing it. I’ve been slowly working in a “I only get to pee one more time” rule every now and again lol. It’s not perfect, but it’s progress. Let’s keep making progress! Good luck this weekend. 💜

HOY

Date posted: 2d ago

before all this I thought I was the only one, still happens to this day so it feels nice to know others share same experience

j vv

Date posted: 2d ago

@HOY Pee/poop, masturbation, rumination, etc. I was so relieved to know that all of these things were compulsions, and were much more common than I ever thought. It gave me a lot of confidence that with hard work (ERP w/ guidance from my NOCD therapist) I could make progress. Our compulsions feel deeply taboo and horrific to us…and we tend to hide them. I did for years. But there’s hope. We can break these OCD and shame cycles. It has felt like lifting so much weight from my shoulders to tackle even one of my fears or compulsions. It’s a process!! Don’t get too down when you stumble. Take a break and try again when you are ready. Have a great weekend!

HOY

Date posted: 2d ago

@j vv thank you, you too!

Kay_buni

Date posted: 23w ago

POCD has taken over my life for the past years.

POCD has been the worst thing I've ever been through. I feel like I have always sort of experienced it but not to the degree I do now. I used to plan being a mother to a beautiful family. Now I don't know if I'll ever have children at the risk of having a girl. I used to have intrusive thoughts that would make me feel weird but I could just move on from them. That was until I had to babysit my niece and change her diaper. I want to throw up thinking about it. I got a horribly strong groinal response and I didn't know what to do. I didn't understand why it was happening. It bothered me all day that day and later on I did the disgusting deed of testing myself. I regret it everyday. It's a horrible compulsion and it haunts me. I tested if I was getting off to the thought of her. And of course there was stimulation because of the groinal response. But I hated doing it. I just felt like I had to be sure. After that and since then I haven't wanted to be around her. I stopped planning being a mother, I stopped watching cute baby videos like I used to enjoy because they trigger disgusting intrusive thoughts. After a while I stopped being intimate with my boyfriend and haven't done anything with for months because the thoughts take over and make me feel like I may enjoy the deed more if I was thinking of children. I worry that maybe I do enjoy these thoughts and I'm just denying it. I wish I could be sure. I feel so disgusting and ugly, I've never hated myself this much. It takes over most of my days. I wish I had never changed her diaper. Some times in moments of clarity I am so sure that I'm not a predator, but when I am vulnerable OCD sneaks back in and tells me I enjoy my thoughts and that I should think them. Sometimes it gets so overwhelming that I have to test. I wish I could stop. It ruins my entire week. I feel like a monster. I want to love my life again. I miss life before this. I feel so hopeless most of the time and I can't imagine a way out. I'm scared to start therapy because what if I found out I am a monster? I can't live like that. I won't. I want to cry and scream. Am I alone in this?

POCD

nae nae

Date posted: 14w ago

I'm sorry. Just need to vent. :(

This might contain triggering content, but I'm also wondering if others have dealt with this similar thought, and if so, how to deal with it? Overall, I've been doing so well these past few days. I'm able to eat again, which I hadn't been able to do because of how much anxiety I'd been experiencing. I'm spending time around loved ones and not just rotting in my room, and I've been able to wake up without immediately being bombarded by intrusive thoughts. When things first got really bad, I'd wake my mom up every night for reassurance, but I haven't done that in a while either. I'm really proud of myself, but there's still this nagging thought in my mind... While looking through others posts on here, hoping to find advice that'd fit my situation, I ended up making things worse. Someone mentioned how they had a fear that they'd purposely search for illegal content (related to POCD). I panicked, and "what ifs" flooded my thoughts. "What if the intrusive thoughts affect who I am as a person, and I do that?" I'm terrified that I'll search for those things, which I know means I wouldn't do it. But then, another person on here said they'd actually looked for those things, and that freaked me out even more. Does that mean it's possible for that to happen to me? I don't want to do that, but I keep having intrusive thoughts surrounding it. I've been doing so well these past few days. I'm just... stuck. I don't know what to do. I've spoken with other people who have the same fears, but how do I manage this? It's not something I've even thought about before seeing those posts. I've been practicing accepting the uncertainty, but I'm really struggling with this one. I hate this. This morning, I woke up, and the intrusive thoughts were back. It's just disheartening.

🌊☀️ℛℴ𝓂𝒶𝓃ℯℯ☀️🌊

Date posted: 13w ago

I'm sorry if I keep posting I'm just scared..

Like I'm not even scared I feel numb and ever since that night I've completely went down hill Idk what to do the feeling i felt this time genuily felt like i liked it and i didnt even have anxiety at that moment and now I'm panicking I really hope this is still OCD like I'm sorry if I'm still asking for reassurance but im really worried like it felt good in that moment I don't understand what's going on like I hope it was a false feeling and not something real.....like this has happened before but Idk 😭😭😭😭 I really don't know what to I don't want to turn into a p word I don't this I've been sleeping all day I still do compulsions a little to get rid of the thoughts but I've been getting sexual thoughts too and I don't want them but I feel like I do I don't understand I though I was getting better but I guess every time I get better everything gets worse..

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