My ROCD tells me that I don’t love my boyfriend, that I’m a liar and a fraud and that I feel nothing. I know this isn’t true deep down, but then my mind speaks to me in the third person and says “she doesn’t mean it, she doesn’t feel anything for him”, like I’m looking at him from above, it really confuses me, and I’m not very happy, I feel empty and void, because my mind is telling me thoughts I don’t want, I WANT to be happy.

Yeah... I do the texting thing too. I ask my boyfriend questions a lot about how he knows that he loves me so that I can see how someone feels about another person that doesnt have ocd. When he answers though my thoughts dictate that I feel nothing of what he feels and that im lying to everyone when I say that I love him... its difficult not to mistake these thoughts with true feelings. I cant evenimagine marriage I know that I will think that im just settling and its like other people know/think im just a fake and I can hear their thoughts... its insane

Like I KNOW in my body and my heart I do because we live together and have a pet and talk about having a baby in a few years but then he’ll say something to me like he can’t imagine life without me and my mind will say “you can” and talk to me and then I’ll check that I still love him by being clingy and cuddly, it’s so confusing all the time.

@JenLD Okay yeah I seriously relate. I dont live with my boyfriend but we’re together all of the time and a lot of the times I confuse me ocd with thinking that “im young I probably dont know what I like yet” and I get the intrusive thoughts “you dont even think he’s cute, do you?” And I stare at him trying to figure it out or I’ll think that I just havent realized that I dont like him and that im wasting my time and it ruins my emotions. Some days are good and I love him and other days I want absolutely nothing to do with him. I also test myself by cuddking or being clingy to see my reaction because its a compulsion to rocd!! When I test myself I feel so abandoned inside like theres nothing left.

@sorryitsemmy And A LOT I imagine conversations and that I think will happen in the future and I hear “yeah that whole time she didnt even like him,” or “she treated him terribly anyways” or I can imagine him dating someone and its like I can vividly hear the girl calling my psychotic and them talking about me

In a way I’ve learned to accept that I’ll never know exactly what I want because I think thats my biggest fear. I used to think that I was just not meant to ever have real feelings for anyone because I truly was unable to keep a consistent emotion towards someone that I had an interest in- even my own boyfriend. I saw someone on here comment that its not about finding the love of your life and go on a search but to learn to love the person that you choose and that helped me out a little bit. There’s no specific way to make myself feel better but when I avoided time with my boyfriend because of intense fear that I was lying to everyone and myself that I made my obsessions so much worse. Ive kind of learned that I have to face my uncertainty instead of testing myself and mentally tell myself to just let go no matter how hard it is. I also communicate to my boyfriend how my obsessions impact the way that I behave and my emotions. Sorry for such a long message- I hope you can relate to some of this! I wanted to communicate how I’ve dealt with my rocd... I’ve only known that what I have is ocd for a few months now but the discovery has made me be able to really recognize how my thoughts work. Before I knew that I have ocd, I thought all of my thoughts were signs and that my thoughts were real even thought theyre not. My reactions to my thoughts, however are very real.