- User type
- OCD Conqueror
- Date posted
- 5y
Yeah I will test things by cuddling or kissing, or sending texts and seeing how I respond; I will check how I feel each day. I also get worried about marriage because my mind will go “you won’t be happy on your wedding day, what if you’re lying” and “she’s a fraud, she doesn’t care”
Yeah... I do the texting thing too. I ask my boyfriend questions a lot about how he knows that he loves me so that I can see how someone feels about another person that doesnt have ocd. When he answers though my thoughts dictate that I feel nothing of what he feels and that im lying to everyone when I say that I love him... its difficult not to mistake these thoughts with true feelings. I cant evenimagine marriage I know that I will think that im just settling and its like other people know/think im just a fake and I can hear their thoughts... its insane
I feel like im speaking to myself In third person all of time.. I usually hear “she doesnt even look at him like she likes him” and I ALWAYS think im lying to myself its not just around my boyfriend
I know. Being in college now it makes me feel like ive just settled for whatever has come to me in this relationship even though thats not how I KNOW that i feel. I can be obsessing at any moment and have been scolded and embarassed by professors for not paying attention even though for the life of me I cant break loose from my thought loop. I think a lot that im the most awful human for my boyfriend, Im ruining his life, wasting his time, and testing his patience. My true feeling are buried so deep beneath these lies. Even when im enjoying something like a hobby or feel a lick of happiness my mind goes “you’re really lying to yourself right now.. do you really have to try so hard?” Im in denial often that its not my ocd and just my true hidden feelings and I get beyond upset thinking about if my boyfriend knew how I give into every thought that crosses my mind
You are not alone in your struggles- I have struggled with the same in relationships and currently am struggling with it because of a recent break up. It makes you feel so lonely and it’s heartbreaking because you want to be able to enjoy the relationship. My Theraphist was always the one to help me not feed my Ocd more but learn to live with the uncertainty.
I really really relate to everything that you are saying this couldn’t be more precise
Like I KNOW in my body and my heart I do because we live together and have a pet and talk about having a baby in a few years but then he’ll say something to me like he can’t imagine life without me and my mind will say “you can” and talk to me and then I’ll check that I still love him by being clingy and cuddly, it’s so confusing all the time.
@JenLD Okay yeah I seriously relate. I dont live with my boyfriend but we’re together all of the time and a lot of the times I confuse me ocd with thinking that “im young I probably dont know what I like yet” and I get the intrusive thoughts “you dont even think he’s cute, do you?” And I stare at him trying to figure it out or I’ll think that I just havent realized that I dont like him and that im wasting my time and it ruins my emotions. Some days are good and I love him and other days I want absolutely nothing to do with him. I also test myself by cuddking or being clingy to see my reaction because its a compulsion to rocd!! When I test myself I feel so abandoned inside like theres nothing left.
@sorryitsemmy And A LOT I imagine conversations and that I think will happen in the future and I hear “yeah that whole time she didnt even like him,” or “she treated him terribly anyways” or I can imagine him dating someone and its like I can vividly hear the girl calling my psychotic and them talking about me
I feel exactly the same. I will ask him “how do you KNOW that I love you?” And he’ll say “I just do” and then I’ll ask him to quantify it with physical things I do to show it, he’ll say leave it be and then my mind will go “maybe you don’t and you’re just blaming this on your OCD, you’re a liar, a dirty liar” and this will circulate in my head every minute (unless I’m at work where I’m a teacher and HAVE to be on the ball), like all my spare time it says she doesn’t deserve nice things, she’s a bar person, she lies
*bad
How do you tackle your thoughts? Like how do you make yourself feel better?
In a way I’ve learned to accept that I’ll never know exactly what I want because I think thats my biggest fear. I used to think that I was just not meant to ever have real feelings for anyone because I truly was unable to keep a consistent emotion towards someone that I had an interest in- even my own boyfriend. I saw someone on here comment that its not about finding the love of your life and go on a search but to learn to love the person that you choose and that helped me out a little bit. There’s no specific way to make myself feel better but when I avoided time with my boyfriend because of intense fear that I was lying to everyone and myself that I made my obsessions so much worse. Ive kind of learned that I have to face my uncertainty instead of testing myself and mentally tell myself to just let go no matter how hard it is. I also communicate to my boyfriend how my obsessions impact the way that I behave and my emotions. Sorry for such a long message- I hope you can relate to some of this! I wanted to communicate how I’ve dealt with my rocd... I’ve only known that what I have is ocd for a few months now but the discovery has made me be able to really recognize how my thoughts work. Before I knew that I have ocd, I thought all of my thoughts were signs and that my thoughts were real even thought theyre not. My reactions to my thoughts, however are very real.
What if is the worst question my mind ever comes up with, what if what if what if all the time; I just want to BE.
My rocd is making me disconected from my boyfriend thinking he is cringe and that i dont know him or i dont like him for real, making me question the times i was happy thinking i was pretending and i was just thinking i am happy and in love but i wasnt… when i think abt my boyfriend i cant feel happiness… im scared. Yesterday we talked he said he is happy when we talked he sais how happy he is and that if i dont feel the same i should not panic (hw knows about my thoughts) i am so sad, i dont want to be like this forever, im scared
I don’t understand why I don’t feel happy, why my mind keeps making me think so negatively about him. Nothing makes me feel joy anymore. I keep thinking that he’s stupid, that I don’t like him, and when he speaks kindly to me, I feel nothing. The worst part is that I feel completely numb, like I have no emotions at all. And that makes me think that maybe I really don’t like him, that I will eventually reach a point where I realize my worst fear is true. I keep fighting with him because of my attitude. I treat him badly, and I know it’s because of my thoughts. I can’t see the good in anything. Today, he told me that I would be better off without him because I always seem so sad. He moved to my city for university just to be with me, and instead of making his life better, I feel like I’m making it worse. The thoughts don’t stop, even when I’m with him. I see people posting about how they feel calm when they’re with their partners, but I don’t. I can’t look at him without having intrusive thoughts, and I can’t even kiss him. Today, he told me that he doesn’t feel loved by me anymore, that I treat him poorly. I am constantly afraid because I feel nothing when he says things to me, because I don’t feel like I care. When I look at pictures of us from when I was in a better place, I feel like I was a completely different person. I start thinking that I’ve “matured” and that’s why I don’t feel anything anymore—like maybe I only liked him because I was young and naïve. Everything he does and says irritates me, but he loves me. What if I’m only with him because I don’t want to hurt him? What if I’m just used to him? I feel scared all the time. I don’t understand what’s happening. He keeps trying to apply logic, but it doesn’t work on me. So many times, he has tried to make me feel better, to tell me that I still care about him and that I don’t need to feel love all the time. But my heart breaks when I see how attached he is to me while I feel like I don’t feel the same way. I feel like I’m hurting him, and I don’t know how to get out of this dark place . He keeps trying to apply logic, but it doesn’t work on me. So many times, he has tried to make me feel better, to tell me that I still care about him and that I don’t need to feel love all the time. But my heart breaks when I see how attached he is to me while I feel like I don’t feel the same way. I feel like I’m hurting him, and I don’t know how to get out of this dark place
Lately, I’ve been feeling so disconnected from my boyfriend, and I don’t understand why. When I look at him, it feels like I’m looking at a stranger, and my mind keeps telling me that I don’t like him, that I never really loved him, or that I was just attached and comfortable. It feels real, and that terrifies me. I know logically that ROCD makes me overanalyze every little feeling, but it doesn’t make this any easier. I keep waiting to feel something—love, excitement, even relief—but instead, I just feel numb and distant. When we talk, I feel weird. When he kisses me, I don’t feel much. I keep thinking, ‘If I really loved him, wouldn’t I feel something?’ And the fact that I don’t just fuels my anxiety even more. It scares me that I can’t remember how I felt before ROCD took over. I look at old pictures, and my brain tells me, ‘That wasn’t real, you were just excited to have a relationship.’ And because I can’t access those feelings right now, it makes me doubt everything even more. I also feel guilty because my boyfriend is so loving and patient, but I feel like I’m hurting him. He tells me he doesn’t feel loved by me anymore, and I hate that I can’t just snap out of this and be the way I was before. It’s exhausting. I don’t know what’s real anymore. I keep checking how I feel every second, and it just makes me feel worse. I know that’s a compulsion, but it’s so hard to stop. I keep searching for certainty, but no answer satisfies me. Even when I try to accept the uncertainty, my mind screams, ‘But what if you don’t love him? What if you’re just lying to yourself?’ I want to be present with him. I want to feel love naturally again. But I don’t know how to get there, and it’s terrifying.”
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