Rumination

Omg I do the sammmmeee. Sometimes just truly getting lost in my work helps, but then it feels like I’m avoiding the “true” thoughts, and they creep back in again. It’s so tricky. But I do think ERP is the answer. I just haven’t gotten good at it, but practicing sitting with the thoughts is probably the best thing to do. Do you have a therapist?

I have a hopefully helpful - but kind of gross - bit of information to offer here! The original definition of "rumination" is "to chew over and over again." It's the word used for cows when they "chew their cud." If you're not familiar, this is the process where cows will eat their food, swallow it, then un-swallow it, chew it some more, then swallow it again, then un-swallow it, chew it some more... you get it. When I first learned this, it made ruminating (the human form) make so much more sense. We're basically bringing up old thoughts and chewing on them in an attempt to problem-solve or feel like we're getting somewhere, but it's a never ending cycle. We're just thinking for the sake of thinking, in hopes that we'll get some new nutrients out of it or come up with some new solution, but it's all the same stuff. Recognizing this doesn't make interrupting rumination any easier, but it can be a helpful start. This is where responding with uncertainty can come in handy, this article gives some examples toward the end! https://www.treatmyocd.com/blog/the-rumination-trap

Yeah it’s very on and off for me /: idk when I’ll truly feel back to myself

In addition to the already great comments here, I often experience a boost of confidence followed by a spike in symptoms after therapy appointments. I’ve accepted that it’s just part of the process—there are lots of highs and lows to recovery. When I hit a low, it’s nice to appreciate how far I’ve come. I’ve improved so much the last few months, and I’m sure you have too. Celebrate your wins, and stay strong when you stumble. You’ve got this ☀️

Yes I'm sorry to say allll the time, I try so very hard to think good thoughts, but all of a sudden, I have been an hour sometimes thinking on bad things that happened to me when I was younger ughhh, I'm so very sorry