Help

I'm currently crying rn as I write this post. I feel horrible and scared. I recently had an argument with my dad. I hate being angry because my intrusive thoughts get so much worse. We were arguing in a heated way and he came up to my face and I noticed my own reaction which was that my fists clenched up (I become very hyper aware of myself) Anyway I realized they were clenched and that they twitched in anger. I remember telling myself "please no please this doesn't mean I'll act out. Please no don't think. I really do not want to hurt anyone. Please I'm not losing control. Please dont act out." And I started to cry I stopped arguing but began to cry in anger and fear. I'm scared this means I was going to act out. I didn't want to talk to him anymore I just shut down and he asked me what's wrong with me and I just responded with "you're making me very angry. I need some space now okay?" And he said he wasn't very angry with me and I shouldn't be angry with him and he left me alone but I feel so guilty. Did I want to hurt him? This is causing me way too much distress.

Harm OCD

User type: Therapist

Date posted: 18w

Just because we may want to hurt people does not mean that we will. And, we could also hurt people even if we do not want to. So, can you sit with your lack of confidence here? I know that you can, but will you allow for it to be so? We all get heated up at times. It happens. OCD makes a big deal of it for sure, but does it really have to be a big deal? Do we really need to consider OCD doubts as truth? If so, I think that we are all going to be in trouble and end up in jail. Anyone cut off in traffic would go to jail for thinking negative things about the person that was driving the other car. "Hey, what are you in for?" "Oh, I got cut off in traffic and thought about hitting the other person with my car." "Wow dude, how much time did they give you?" "Life plus 20 years." Sound ridiculous huh? I think that OCD is ridiculous.

Andi 🤓☝️

Date posted: 18w

It does sound ridiculous, but my main worry was the fact that my hand was twitching. At the moment i told myself "relax it doesnt mean anything" and i did relax i realized i was fidgeting with my phone out of anxiety and took a deep breath and told my dad to leave me alone... but it triggered my ocd after the argument was over. I'm just worried this is a symptom of something more or if it was an impulse that I was holding back meaning I did want to. It scares me so badly to think that and I feel like a terrible person.

FWann~

Date posted: 18w

You did the right thing stepping away! An important step on healing is noticing when you need to walk away and why. Just because he wasn’t angry doesn’t mean you don’t have the right to be. To be honest clenching your fist to me seems just like your body reacting to stress, not wanting to hurt him.

Andi 🤓☝️

Date posted: 18w

But my hand twitched like two times. I have no idea if it was just the adrenaline added with my anxiety. I really don't want to cause anyone harm. Being angry just scares me now. I used to not be afraid of being angry. This argument happened like about 2 hours ago and I'm still crying over it. I just feel so scared

FWann~

Date posted: 18w

@Anonymous When I get upset (angry/sad) I get body tics and chills that cause sudden movements, I’ve always said anyone who wants to hurt someone would do it without thinking. To me you seem upset at the idea of hurting him, which shows me your mind is in a completely different place than wanting to hurt someone.

Andi 🤓☝️

Date posted: 18w

@FWann~ Thank you so much for replying :( I've been feeling so scared and alone recently I really hate ocd, it's making me feel like I'm some monster everyday and recently it's been making me hyper focus on my emotions tying meaning to every thought to the point I don't even want to be around anyone as a form of avoidance.

FWann~

Date posted: 18w

@Anonymous I’m new to all this too, today is one of my good days so my mind is thinking straight 😂remember you’ll have good and bad days, but when those good days come, allow yourself to feel good. You deserve to be happy it’s your birth right.

tayanominous

Date posted: 23w

Did I act on the thoughts?

I worry people might get the wrong idea when I share this but I must post it because I’m scared so basically this is gonna sound weird but I have always sorta been a violent kid but in a normal way if that makes sense like if someone tris over I would find the ridiculously funny but what kinda confuses me is when loved ones hurt themselves I laugh it’s not like I’m putting it on idk I just randomly laugh and i find funny please don’t think I’m a bad person because I’m really not and I’m scared abt this but that’s not the point of this story so I will get to the pint now so basically I was walking upstairs and I hit my head on the door and my mum laughed at me and I said “its not funny I hit my head” and she said something else that made me angry I can’t remember and then I started to charge at her like I was gonna hit her or something and it scared me cuz I wanted to push her or something ( not harmful just like as a back off kinda thing) which I know it’s horrible writing it out but then while I had that urge to push it her or something I also got a groinal so then OCD was like ”you were gonna s3xualy attack just then and you liked it” and now I’m to scared to go near her just in case it happens again cuz I’ve been in a spiral for days now, again please don’t tell me I’m a bad person cuz I already feel like that cuz writing it out it sounds worse then it is irl im sorry if this was triggering and please reply and tell me your thoughts on this.

Aphid123

Date posted: 21w

Is this even OCD?

Hey so a couple months ago (7-8) I remember being upset at my family member. Like she was talking too much while I was annoyed and remember wanting her to be quiet. I got an intrusive thought like a really bad image of doing something really bad to her, and my hand twitched to the side a little? Like it felt like I was about to?! And I remembered thinking "if I do this, I'll get in trouble". I got up and left to the bathroom and felt horrified! I was thinking "did I want to act out? Did the only reason I didn't act out was because of getting in trouble? If there was no consequences, would have I done it?! Does this mean this whole time I've been using OCD as an excuse?" I remember I couldn't sleep for 3 nights because of how bad the anxiety was, I was crying and I felt very guilty like I should turn myself in to a mental hospital. I couldn't eat for many days or be near her because of that thought and twitch I had! I'm worried it was an impulse or I actually wanted to hurt her. And even to this day I still ruminanate about this. Like last night I couldn't sleep well I kept waking up every two hours and asking myself "am I capable?" I couldn't eat last night. Sometimes I move on from it like I forget that happened but when I remember, I feel distressed about it! I don't want to be an evil person or do bad actions towards anyone! I'm even scared to be angry because of this because I'm scared I have more "chance" of acting out due to anger. Like was it an impulse and I held back? Is this even OCD? Please help, I'm really scared!

Andi 🤓☝️

Date posted: 18w

What is this?

Recently ive been getting very scared to even be angry bc of the horrible thoughts I have and it feels even more real when I'm angry or even annoyed. Rn I was not even super annoyed at my neice but I felt a twinge of annoyance since she went up to my face and was yelling at me while I was resting on the bed and I got this image of doing something bad to her and I felt my hand twitch very little. I got nervous and felt relieved when her dad told her to stop screaming for no reason. I've been hyperfocusing on my bodily reactions (mainly my hands or how I'm feeling like did I just enjoy that? Was I considering???) And I've noticed the small twitches whenever I'm mad or annoyed and it's scaring me so bad! Like do I want to act out? Am I holding back??? I used to not even twitch at all when mad and I felt 100% sure I'll never act out but now it feels like I don't know bc what do these twitches mean?, I do know I don't want to ever act out but it's so scary. Recently whenever I feel angry once the argument is over I cry really bad after I'm alone and I pray so i never want or act out. And when the annoyance passes I also feel so guilty and want to stay away. Im scared these are real urges and i research for many many hours to make sure they arent urges or impulses and i also tend to ask chatgpt or here if the anxiety gets so bad 😕

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