repost?

I made a post earlier today about my past and things that happened and maybe I didn’t phrase it really in the best way haha :’)) so I’ll try and make it shorter. February has been complicated for me and recently. First my mental health was bad because of studies but I had this thought regarding my past that was a little tempting and led me to spiral on about my past, I gave into it and that really took me for a whole spin. I’ve started to open up about things that I never thought I would talk about and even slowly opening up to my therapist. These things happened in childhood and I mimicked actions I saw at a young age ( despite these things happening, it was only just one side of my childhood ) and even though it’s still not easy for me to deal with it, I often have the urge to confess and fear that it’s my intuition telling me to confess and if I don’t, something bad is going to happen or I’m a bad person. I’ve talked about my story to someone in a detailed way and to my therapist briefly and she understood and treated me with kindness but these thoughts still linger. Sometimes it gets to a point where I have the thought briefly telling me negative things but it doesn’t focus on the good things that happened and how I’ve learned and not repeated the action. It just focuses on the bad and when I just pause , it goes silent and keeps quiet, I realise that it’s all just thoughts.

marleyk

Date posted: 17w

im so glad i finally found your thread! i can actually relate to your story a little. as a victim of child on child sa i have never blamed the other child. i never even knew it was wrong till last year (20). granted it wasn’t that i remembered till recently. my ocd lovessss to lingers on the thoughts of what happened and makes it very difficult sometimes to not only think about it. i don’t think you’re a bad person at all. you clearly felt and still feel really bad about your actions. i’m not a professional but ocd can make you feel the urge to confess.

rainbows

Date posted: 17w

@marleyk I am so so sorry that this happened to you. I’m aware that these kinds of topics would be triggering for someone who went through something like this but the fact that you went through it and read it, means a lot to me🥲❤️‍🩹 I admire your courage and honesty and kindness and I understand what you mean. I hope things will get better for you🫂 I try and tell myself that but I really sent myself through a whole spin this year, I did so much of research on quora and Reddit and came across alarming stories that made my anxiety even worst. I freaked out that I was a monster and it broke my heart that my mom had someone like my as her child and I was angry at myself, sometimes I feel like I ruined my life before it could start and I remember my family member talking about my birthday and I remember saying that I always want to be a good kid no matter what, throughout the rest of my life even if I may not be considered a kid physically at that time. I remember they told me I was always a good kid but I was just a menace when I was younger and I remember I felt like crying because it’s true and they still saw me as their good kid and I wanted to cry. I do feel horrible for my actions but I’m trying and I know despite my actions, even though I’ve done stupid things, I still had empathy. I know my actions were wrong but I try my best to not tie it to my identity and let it define me. Those days in February, March were the worst because I couldn’t focus on anything else but my past and I was quite close to “attempting” I started isolating myself from the people I loved and I thought that I was a criminal or a horrible person and that there was something wrong with me and honestly thought

rainbows

Date posted: 17w

@rainbows That it was my only option but I stayed because I didn’t want to lose the people I loved and especially my family because I loved them so much. I did research on wether it was possible for seeing things at that age to distort your view on reality and turns it, that a lot of people went through that 🫂my best friend was there for me and didn’t have much knowledge on ocd and I didn’t even think it was ocd😅 she tried to help me through it but it was like a wild rollercoaster, I was good for a while and the next I was completely bad again and spiralling. She did tell me to not focus so much on my past if not I’d see myself as that person forever even though I’ve changed, I thought she would hate me but she didn’t, she still saw me as the person who she loved.

rainbows

Date posted: 17w

@marleyk I don’t know why I did certain things but I try and tell myself maybe kids are just naughty not knowing the full impact of their actions😅 I’m trying to manage it better and try and imagine the person in a better place and happy to help me deal with the feelings of shame and at times- self hatred. I genuinely wish you all the best and things get better for you. I’m sorry that you went through something like that but I know you’re a very strong person with a kind heart. Thank you.🫂

marleyk

Date posted: 17w

@rainbows thank you for all of the kind words. this is exactly how you should be treating yourself. you are a strong person and i’m very sorry you went through this as a child it’s very hard to navigate. i’m so glad you’re still here with us and you had an amazing friend that was there to remind you are loved and not hated. kids are a result of their environment, and this action doesn’t define you. i don’t want to be insensitive but are you therapy(have you talked to a therapist about this). i think they would be able to really help you in this situation. i really hate that you’re having a hard time, especially for so long. you will get through this, keep being kind to yourself. i hope things get easier and better for you.

[Deleted]

Date posted: 17w

Comment deleted by user

rainbows

Date posted: 17w

@rainbows And sometimes I feel like the worlds most horrible person and tells me things like I don’t deserve this or deserve good things but I’ve been trying to be compassionate and understanding and manage this better. Someone once said we all do weird things in childhood that we regret and didn’t know better at that time. I was below 10 when I inappropriately touched someone, regretted my actions, felt horrible and I remember apologising to the person but they were probably unaware due to their sickness and nobody knew. I was filled with shame and regret and carried this with me for so many years because I was scared, I had nobody to be there for me or comfort me but I told myself that I wanted to be a good person and stuck to it, for my actions, I thought I was dammed and deemed a horrible person for the rest of my life

rainbows

Date posted: 17w

@rainbows I’m now only starting to open about this stuff and it’s not easy for me. My mind keeps bringing back these things back into the present and tells me I’m a monster if I don’t confess and tell the persons family what happened, the person passed away years back and I know this might be very disturbing and difficult..I’m sorry to anyone reading this🫂 I don’t want to make things worst for them and for my family, I don’t want them to know and be upset about it and letting it hang over them. It’s just that my mind tells me they were a victim and I’m this and that if I don’t confess. It might probably just be ocd now but it’s telling me if I don’t provide more information on this situation, people here on this community might think I’m a bad person.

Someone99

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 17w

@rainbows Hi. I saw discussion earlier this evening about this and I was hoping to be able to read the post you were referring to. I hope you're feeling like you're among friends here, if not family. We all can write similar posts about almost identical experiences. OCD is the bully here. It's definitely good that you can open up now about this. I would highly recommend seeking advice of your therapist before confessing to family, this may possibly be a compulsion. (I say that lovingly, not in judgement:-)) God hears our confession when we confess to Him, and His promise is to not only forgive us, but also to cleanse us of all wrong doing, or unrighteous. So we're forgiven and cleansed by God through His son. :-) You're not the worst person, everyone here is (because we all let OCD tell us! Lol) But that's the bully OCD is. You deserve grace, forgiveness, love, healing, happiness...and so on. I'm glad you're here and would be honored to have you as a friend. 🫂

rainbows

Date posted: 17w

@Someone99 I wanted to save this for last so I could write out a reply that wasn’t rushed but thank you for telling me this. For taking the time to write this out and tell me these words🥹 it genuinely means more than anything to me and I’m beyond grateful for your words of comfort🫂 I haven’t been close to God yet but since Easter Sunday is coming up, I want to spend time with him🫶🏽 I too would be honoured to have you as a friend and I’m truly grateful for your kindness. Thank you for being a light ❤️‍🩹 thank you for making me feel like we’re a big massive family here that’s safe. Thank you🫂🫂

Someone99

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 17w

@rainbows You are very welcome, anytime 🙂

Michele32

Date posted: 17w

Compulsions

Less than a year ago, I had a very big anxiety flare up to the point that I felt as though I needed to report to the police / harm myself. I ended up leaving an anonymous tip at the police hotline about something that I know I didn’t even do but everything told me I had to or else I will go to jail. And similarly after that I called the help line and explained I had unwanted intrusive thoughts and I didn’t think I deserved to live for having those thoughts. After these many months and working with my therapist, I’ve been able to feel a lot less anxious around this topic and now I’m getting lots of anxiety about what I did that time when I was so anxious. I gave in to my compulsions and confessed for stuff that I know sounds bad saying out loud but only certain people will understand I would never do. So now I’m just looking for someone to relate and perhaps let me know that I don’t have anything to worry about? I know it’s bad to seek reassurance but I’m not sure where to go. And I’m worried I’m going to keep incriminating myself.

moon0270

Date posted: 17w

Realised I have another compulsion

I actually didn't realise this til now because I just assumed it was a coping mechanism from when I was really young. But when I tend to get stressed out or overwhelmed, I'll often start talking out loud to myself (which mostly means just whispering to myself because if i spoke really loudly, my mom would hear me lol). But nowadays with my fear of being surveilled, I keep having to catch myself because it's such a habit at this point for me to whisper out loud. Especially with me trying to reason through my false memories or really bad intrusive thoughts. Another compulsion. And then I keep thinking omg did I have my phone with me when I said that. Is anyone watching me rn? What if this person (that probably doesn't even exist) thinks my thoughts are true? What would everyone else think? And then I spiral afterwards. It sucks because I feel like I'm policing myself even when I know these are all just things I'm saying out loud and they don't mean anything— they're just thoughts after all. But I have this worry that if someone overheard me or all of this was suddenly revealed, that it might change how people see me or people might hate me or think i'm a bad person. And then I worry about me being worried about that because then I ask myself would a good person be worried about this? Anyways, another long post with me waffling and rambling. Thank you for taking the time to read this ❤️‍🩹

rainbows

Date posted: 14w

Advice…?

This might be a bit disturbing but it’s been weighing on my mind. From all the posts I’ve made, I’ve talked about how I was influenced at a young age and saw things I shouldn’t have seen. A lot of it. I can’t remember much because it’s blurry and all muddy and in different timelines. Sometimes I genuinely don’t understand why I would do such a thing or how I could and I would constantly overanalyse things from the past. These things lead me to do things to myself out of trying to understand and curiosity and mimicking actions like kissing others in preschool. I made stupid mistakes I can’t take back and it weighs on me a lot. I don’t and can’t remember so much honestly but when I was at the age of 8, I inappropriately touched someone and it wasn’t out of harm but to understand why. What I did was wrong and the whole context of the situation is messed up but I knew to a certain degree it was wrong ( I spoke to this to my therapist who was very understanding and told me these things happen a lot when kids are young ) I remember at the time I felt guilt and realised I wanted to be a good person. I thought I was dammed for what I did and there was no coming back for me but I remember apologising to them and never doing it again. I had to keep this with me for so many years and it broke me a lot. I matured and realised my actions, spent time crying, thinking that maybe I shouldn’t be here, and was filled with a lot of shame and guilt with nobody to be there or know about this. I didn’t tell anyone because I was scared. I was scared to also be badly punished but eventually as time passed, the person passed away and nobody knew about the story. This year I began opening up and for the first time I opened up to people about this because I wasn’t doing good mentally and spent days—months ruminating, panicking, and thinking I was a monster for everything. I never thought I would but it was with people I trust who loved and accepted me. I told them the situation and how I felt. I told my therapist briefly and she told me we could continue this convo the next time and that I didn’t have to tell her everything but… It didn’t make sense to me. I felt like I needed to confess everything or else I was a fraud. I do definitely care about their justice ( justice overall ) for what happened to them regardless of them not being here and I’m beyond sorry that something like this happened to them because of my stupidity when I was younger. I try my best to be understanding and compassionate to myself but sometimes it’s all filled with hatred and shame and guilt but I’m trying. People say confessing makes things worst. I feel like this is something that needs to be confessed but Ive already admitted my actions, regrets and told others about this but yet it’s still there . I’m not an angel but I do know, these stupid past mistakes have made me more empathetic to people and not wanting things like this to happen to anyone. As I’ve grown I’ve realised how these things can distort your view of reality at a young age because now as I’m older, I understand so much more than my younger self would. Sometimes I don’t know what to say. I don’t know why I did certain things and people at my age were probably more matured and smarter than me. A lot of things happen in different timelines but I’ve matured so much and I understand my mistakes and the impact. I feel safe to talk about this to my therapist or here but to my family and others.. I don’t know what to say. I’ve made so many stupid mistakes and feel like I need to confess everything. I didn’t want to ever talk about this to anyone because I didn’t want to make things worst for people. This happened so many years back and I just didn’t want to bring the past into the present. I know that I have no right to really suggest this because that person was a victim. I don’t know what I should do. Confess? Or let it be in the past? I mean my therapist and close friends know about this.

Be a part of the largest OCD Community

Share your thoughts so the Community can respond

repost?

Related posts

Be a part of the largest OCD Community

Be a part of the largest OCD Community