False memories + real events (TW: POCD)

Hello 😭, so uhm I’m kind of in the point of my POCD where I’m just tired. I just need to get it all out and get some sort of instruction of how to just idk live? So for me my childhood is pretty blurry. I have a few real event blended with false memory events there but other than that I’m a csa victim. And the way I tried to cope? By fetishising nyself, making CP of myself, seeing my life goal as being used, raped and a prostitue. Self destructive behaviour through talking to pedophiles and seeing my only worth as if I was sexually attractive. Which made me kind of numb to CP as a coping mechanism I guess. And heres’s where my main event of REOCD/false memory ocd comes in. I have a few events in my life when I’ve accidentally stumbled across CP ish mangas or just plan abuse and not had a big reaction. Some of them I even liked the story. And my ocd LOVES playing with it, making me truly believe I enjoy and get of from CP. I’ve also had quite a few dreams. A few days ago I had a dream about me getting triggered by something I did in the dream. Which I now can’t figure out if it actually was a dream. But also moments overall where I’ve unintentionally touched my private part while my siblings are in the room or when I found a guy 2 years younger than me pretty in 4th grade. Or a few of my only friends who turned out to be younger than me, and I had talked about sexual things (like fan fictions, my trauma ect) with them. AHSHB I absolutely hate ruminating and I’m tired so so so so so so tried 😭 idk help me? Please TT

POCD

nae nae

Date posted: 27d ago

Thank you for being so vulnerable with this post. I'm really sorry for all you've gone through. It's not uncommon for victims of CSA to experience those unhealthy coping behaviors, unfortunately. As a victim of grooming, I can relate to my OCD latching onto a lot of those memories, and it's also led to my fear of becoming like the people who harmed me. Which, from my understanding, also isn't uncommon among victims of CSA to experience. I'm still learning how to manage all of this, so I can't offer a cure-all, but hopefully, some of the advice I share might make even a slight difference. I'm also willing to lend an ear if you need to vent or just talk. I know how isolating it can be to go through this. First of all, those events in your childhood do not define you as a person. We've all done things we regret or have made mistakes, but that's all a part of the human experience. It's how we learn and grow, and I believe you have! It might take some time to really feel "okay" (depending on how much time has passed, how much healing you've gone through, etc), and some days might be more difficult than others, but you *will* get there 🫂❤️‍🩹 For ruminating... That's a tough one. Especially with OCD. Non-engagement responses have helped me a lot, along with trying to respond to thoughts with more compassion towards myself, too. Nathan Peterson on YouTube has some really good videos for every OCD theme. He helped me a lot when I first began diving into how to manage this. Taking care of yourself is also really, really important. I know it can be easy to just want to lay in bed and sleep all day to escape the thoughts, but eating balanced meals, getting enough sunlight, or even just the tiniest bit of exercise can make a huge difference. It can even just be sitting outside for 30 minutes every day or taking a short walk. Spending time with friends and loved ones might also help. Or reconnecting with old hobbies (or focusing on current ones). For example, watching a comfort show/movie, journaling (which helped me a lot), reading a book, dancing, coloring, playing a favorite game, etc...

Tireddd

Date posted: 27d ago

Honestly? Same, this is my exact same story, i think i even did worse than you :( I can't live with the things i saw on the internet in my childhood-teens, i think i am just like the people that did that stuff to me

moon027097

Date posted: 27d ago

im so sorry that you've been through so much pain and strife. no kid deserves to go through that and i think you owe yourself much more grace and compassion. it's tough learning how to navigate trauma. idk if i can be much help but just wanted you to know you're not alone. i've experienced a few weird things and abuse as a child as well and feel like i also sexualised myself to some extent because of it. so i relate to how you're feeling. be kind to yourself and i hope someone here can also offer more advice

Lulu~

Date posted: 27d ago

@moon027097 Thank you for replying <33 But It’s easy to think such bur SO hard to do it as you most likely alr know 😭. Trust me I know that trauma can mess with your psyche, like how I feel oddly comforted by watching some other young character in the same situation sexualising themselves. Or how I used to dream and almost wanted to get raped by my dad. Or just raped in general. But it’s still just AHHHHH

moon027097

Date posted: 27d ago

@Here we go again- yeah i feel like most things are easier said then done :( i've also had similar thoughts that disturbed me. talking about this stuff with a therapist has helped me tremendously though it's still difficult. im sorry that this is troubling you rn, but i hope talking about it on here can bring you some peace <3

Northern_Dow...

Date posted: 13w ago

Real Event OCD is a different breed (18+)

Being exposed to taboo p*rn as young as first grade ruined my life and now ocd is making me pay for it. I have so much guilt for being a child/teen and looking at taboo stuff, and it was all fictional or anime or whatever but it was still so so gross. and I didn't realize It because I had been used to it at so young 🫠 I think what haunts me most is when I was a kid/young teen (like 12-14ish) and didn't have access to p*rn I'd imagine stuff similar to what I'd seen in the art. I can't even believe I'd imagine scenarios involving kid characters or whatever because it had been so normalized to me and I assumed it was normal since it was fiction. I'm 23 now so it's been a decade since I've done anything like that and I've never had the urge to since but still. I've NEVER been attracted to kids or had any urges or anything ever, even when I was addicted. The thought makes me want to vomit, I'd rather die than associate anything sexual with kids/minors and I think people who groom or assault kids are vile. But I still feel like the fact that I imagined stuff similar to the things I read sometimes when I was young is proof I'm a p*do. I don't think people would believe me if I said I'm not. I just feel like I don't deserve to live or that if I do, I'm living a lie. I know 'I was a kid too' but even when I was 13/14 I read/imagined stuff with characters younger than me because I thought it was normal. I'm so disgusted. I've had this theme for so long I'm starting to wonder if ocd is right. I feel too ashamed to tell my therapist.

anonymous2580

Date posted: 12w ago

Remembering things from my childhood

(20f) I have been dealing with severe OCD symptoms for as long as I can remember. I recently got diagnosed about a year ago, and even though I know that these thoughts are probably my ocd, I still cant shake them. Growing up I was always very sexually curious. I was sheltered from a lot of things, as I went to a private school and things like sexuality and sex were never talked about. I remember doing some weird sexual things growing up (never affecting another person), looking up taboo sexual things, etc. I always seemed to become aroused no matter what the situation was, even if I just saw someone getting changed. I have no recollection of being SA'd, so i'm wondering where this all came from? Was I just curious and wanted to experiment and try different things? Or am I really a pervert, pedophile, etc. I have all these thoughts racing through my head and it's killing me. Everything I did as a kid I look back on and am disgusted, as those don't align with my views at all today. I never thought growing up thinking these things were wrong, or actually realize what they were until I got older. I'd like to think it was just my curiosity, but i'm not sure. What if i'm in denial and actually do like these things? I just need to know if theres something wrong w me, I cant keep going on like this. Could really use some advice.

dee012

Date posted: 12w ago

False memory ocd Help Please

Any advice? I just got triggered by false memory OCD. There is no indicator or memory of me doing anything bad, only the what if. So how can I deal with uncertainty because if I did do the false memory it would go against my morals?? Not something extremely unforgivable just like not ideal and against my morals… I don’t know if it happened. I have no memory of my false memory happen only the “what if” which is enough to scare me FOR CONTEXT: I was in the mental hospital when I was 16, and made a few friends. Some just a grade below me, so 14-15. I remember bringing up in convo someone I met previously at the mental hospital earlier in that year a different time I was hospitalized , to which a boy responded he knew her, and they did (seggsual) stuff at their school. The girl I was talking about at that time was 14. So im assuming the boy was 14 as well. 13 and up is together in the hospital, so he couldn’t be younger than 13. I have no memories of him flirting with me or me flirting with him. Or anything bad happening. Literally just “what if”.. or what if he wasn’t 14 but 13 and u said something inappropriate or flirted with him. I will never be able to know what happened and I’m sick thinking about this. 13 and 16 is NOT WITHIN MY MORALS. I am worried because the only inappropriate I guess convo had is when he was telling me what happened between him and that girl I knew. I also remember him having a bulge down there and it freaked me out and made me feel weird at the time because I noticed it. (At this time I was already diagnosed with OCD and experienced POCD) I try to tell myself maybe maybe not. But the what if it did happen makes me feel like a p33do, and me thinking it didn’t happen doesn’t satisfy me because I don’t have 100 percent certainty

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False memories + real events (TW: POCD)

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