- Date posted
- 23d ago
False memories + real events (TW: POCD)
Hello š, so uhm Iām kind of in the point of my POCD where Iām just tired. I just need to get it all out and get some sort of instruction of how to just idk live? So for me my childhood is pretty blurry. I have a few real event blended with false memory events there but other than that Iām a csa victim. And the way I tried to cope? By fetishising nyself, making CP of myself, seeing my life goal as being used, raped and a prostitue. Self destructive behaviour through talking to pedophiles and seeing my only worth as if I was sexually attractive. Which made me kind of numb to CP as a coping mechanism I guess. And heresās where my main event of REOCD/false memory ocd comes in. I have a few events in my life when Iāve accidentally stumbled across CP ish mangas or just plan abuse and not had a big reaction. Some of them I even liked the story. And my ocd LOVES playing with it, making me truly believe I enjoy and get of from CP. Iāve also had quite a few dreams. A few days ago I had a dream about me getting triggered by something I did in the dream. Which I now canāt figure out if it actually was a dream. But also moments overall where Iāve unintentionally touched my private part while my siblings are in the room or when I found a guy 2 years younger than me pretty in 4th grade. Or a few of my only friends who turned out to be younger than me, and I had talked about sexual things (like fan fictions, my trauma ect) with them. AHSHB I absolutely hate ruminating and Iām tired so so so so so so tried š idk help me? Please TT