ROCD help

Hi everyone. Definitely not feeling great these past couple days. I struggle with ROCD and have been trying to navigate that for a long time. I have a relationship that means a lot to me with a boyfriend that is extremely special and kind and we laugh together so much and it really is the best. However, there are some times where he has been destructive, not in a serious way, but just as a coping mechanism, like drinking, and going out with friends. I think for me, I come from a childhood where one of my parents struggles with drinking, and I know how much of a toll I can put on the family. Me and my boyfriend are not there, but I definitely project a lot of these things onto him and it really fuels my ROCD. He really started doing this more in our relationship once his mom passed away very suddenly almost a year ago. I think I’m starting to become nervous because the anniversary of her death is next month, and I can sort of feel myself starting to self sabotage. I’m kind of nitpicking certain things, miss reading his moods, and things like that. I can definitely tell that it’s just me trying to protect my fear of abandonment. But I’m just really having a hard time because I’m so scared that things are gonna be hard again, we went through a lot when she first died. Our relationship has grown so much since she did, and we’re at a very good place. I did feel myself starting a fight last night, and that just made this morning feel pretty terrible. If anyone has experienced something similar, that would be helpful. Please be kind, I think I just need some grace right now and some hope I guess.

Relationship OCD

Healing Poet

Date posted: 16w

I would say give yourself and him grace. Take a step back and relax. Your mind will try to vilify your partner’s feelings and yours as well. Do the 5-4-3-2-1 method. If you feel a compulsion or an issue arise 5 things around you, 4 things you can touch, 3 things you hear, 2 you can smell and 1 you can hear. It’s a grounding technique. Intrusive thoughts and obsessions tend to have us feel and think things are real when they aren’t. Fearing things will get worse again will make you spiral. Stay grounded in the present and be kind to both you and your partner. Breathe and spend time together. Stay focus in the present. Not focus on fear.

clair_m88

Date posted: 16w

@Healing Poet Thank you. It is so so hard not to read into his emotions and try to interpret if something is wrong… some days I feel great and other days it is so hard. And I think this has diminished his motivation to tell me certain things too which is also very challenging

Healing Poet

Date posted: 16w

@clair_m88 - And, that’s completely understandable. Don’t be too hard on yourself and him. But, don’t jump to conclusions either. If you feel like something is wrong. Use I statements and me and talk about it. “I feel like you’re mad at me, did I do something wrong?” “Are we okay?” Statements like this can help to avoid arguments or obsessed thinking like you did something wrong or he did something wrong. Look at things from an objective perspective not subjective. If he’s just mourning his mom, it’s not you. He’s just grieving. Etc.

clair_m88

Date posted: 16w

@Healing Poet Of course. I try to do that but I think I’ve done it so much he is a little fatigued from it? I’m learning to back off more and help him rebuild trust. His relationship with his mom was complicated too, which adds an extra level to the grief. I think I’m more scared of it ruining the relationship, etc. that’s where my ROCD comes in. But you’re right, being present is important because that’s all I have!

clair_m88

Date posted: 23w

Help :( ROCD & object permanence

Does anyone else struggle with object permanence in relationships? Like whenever my partner is out of the house I immediately think negatively or I find things wrong with the relationship or him… For background my partner and I always fight over chores (I know it’s common but it’s annoying) I definitely pull more weight than him and I think he has ADHD, which makes him struggle to help and be aware of helping. Lately we’ve been somewhat good with splitting meals and dishes whatever, I know it can change with work stress, fatigue whatever. But last week my partner was out of the house watching his uncle’s dog so he was barely home. He was sleeping over at his uncles house and would come home for meals sometimes and stuff like that. I started becoming super fixated on him not helping with the dishes before he left and would constantly feel urges to yell about it. Even though the week prior everything was good when it came to that (sometimes with my ROCD I’ll even question myself and be like was it?) so I have started 4 separate fights arguing about dishes and chores and mentioning that he doesn’t help enough and if this continues I’ll have to leave… it’s so hard for me to snap out of it and just realize that he was going back and forth and didn’t think to help because he was busy with helping his uncle. And then I get such a negative view of him in my head that I nitpick his appearance, I make comments, etc, because my underlying fear is he doesn’t care to help, he will never change, and we will fail. So it’s almost like I’m looking to have a reason to run before I actually need to? It’s a constant cycle for me and I’m truly so exhausted by myself. But also relationships are so hard for me because I struggled SO much with trying to depend on others that I almost don’t let myself depend on others…. Any advice is appreciated but also just like do you also experience this? Thank you & pls be kind 🥺🥺🥺

Relationship OCD

lulu2

Date posted: 11w

Relationship OCD - PLEASE HELP

Hey guys, I’m reaching out in a pretty weak spot of desperation. I feel so insane and so sick of my mind recently, I’m completely drained from my mind. I’ve had such bad spikes of RCOD in my relationship of 1.5 years , which kills me because I truly want nothing more than to just be his peace and for us to work out. I love him more than anything and I would do anything for him. I feel like the pressure I placed on making sure I was “perfect” was so counter productive becuase instead I find myself doing everything wrong. I tell myself not to think of the wrong thing, then I think of the wrong thing, then I feel so guilty, and it plagues my mind for days. I feel so guilty it makes me feel detached and like I’m a bad girlfriend. I feel so bad for always burdening him with my anxieties and my “wrong thoughts” becuase he doesn’t deserve it, he’s so amazing. Recently, I began overthinking if I “love him” which I KNOW is so silly because when I’m calm, I laugh that I even got so worried , but when my anxiety creeps in, it feels so debilitating. I spiral and then try to prove to myself that I do love him , which then makes things in that moment feel “forced” because I’m acting out of intent to win the battle in my head. My RCOD has been a persistent issue, but this particular theme is pretty new and I hate it. I feel like I’ve been placing pressure on myself to overly appreciate him and it’s so counterproductive. I feel so bad because I told him about everything and he now thinks I don’t love him. Which is so wrong. I just want this to be fixed. Sometimes I feel like he’d be better off with a girl that isn’t such a headache and wouldn’t drain him all of the time but at the same time , I could never accept him being with anyone but me. Also, I have seen a psychoglist but it just didn’t feel right and I hated vocalising my thoughts because I felt it gave them more power - it feels like the only person I can truly be raw with about this stuff is my bestfriend. If anyone has any tips , PLEASE help me.

Relationship OCD

Mariabae

Date posted: 9w

help:( ROCD

Hi everyone, I really need help and support right now. I’m feeling completely empty inside. I’m in a 2-year relationship with someone who truly loves me and has done nothing wrong. He’s kind, affectionate, supportive, and genuinely wants a future with me. But I’ve been struggling deeply for over a year and a half with constant thoughts and painful feelings that I don’t love him, that I never really did, and that I’m only here out of guilt or habit. Lately, it feels like I don’t feel anything. When I’m with him, when we hug, kiss, talk—I feel numb, disconnected. I keep thinking “I don’t love him” or “I’m faking it,” and it feels so real. I can’t remember what it felt like to love him. I look at old photos and feel nothing. I don’t know what I saw in him. I’m exhausted. I’ve read so much about ROCD. I’ve tried to “sit with the thoughts,” I know reassurance is not the answer, but the thoughts feel like truth now. Even when people tell me “the fact that this hurts so much means you care,” I just think: maybe I only care because I’m a good person and don’t want to hurt him—not because I actually love him. I’m terrified that this is the moment I’ve feared all along: that I’ll finally “realize” the truth—that I never loved him. Please, if anyone’s gone through something similar… how do you deal with this emotional numbness? How do you keep going when it feels like your heart is gone and all you can think about is the fear that everything you felt was fake? Thank you for reading. I feel like I’m losing myself.

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