Ruining my marriage

@Cantal When we do it feels amazing. Just that comment she said has sent me way backwards.

@What is happening to me - She basically forced you into an ERP situation. You need to keep in mind that having a thought or feeling isn't the same as having a belief in something. We don't control our thoughts.. we only contly which ones we want to matter. You are allowing your OCD to make the decisions for you. SOOCD is specifically difficult because , while ALL OCD is going to cause a lack of sexual desire due to anxiety being an overwhelming emotion.. SOOCD takes that lack of sexual desire as an indicator that the SOOCD is real. This is one of those situations where you fake it till you make it. If sex feels amazing with your wife, then have it. play chicken with your OCD. When i was in college i took a human sexuality class and we were taught that sexuality is not black and white its not 100% straight or 100% gay , that there is a spectrum and everyone falls somewhere on it. So for me? I'm straight, completely totally..... bbbuuutt i have kissed girls in college lol curiosity. didn't do much for me but i wasn't grossed out by it. I also watch lesbian porn. Im also married to a man :). So if i have to place myself on the sexuality scale, i guess I'm about 90% straight, 10% gay? and just like on a math test, 90% is an A, its passing, so why split hairs. Im going to do what the 90% of me wants to do. So for the sake of not entertaining your OCD, use that loophole. tell it " you know what? maybe i am gay... perhaps 5%.. not enough to make that my default choice, so I'm going to enjoy my 95% straight life with my wife and OCD can go suck it".

@Ms.shelovesfrogs I feel worse than before. Like I’ve gone backwards two months ago. Honestly I feel like I’m in denial or I’ve suppressed this even though all I’ve even known is to be attracted to females until this all started in Feb. My anxiety is so high right now. She doesn’t understand and I don’t think she wanted me to feel like this. It’s hard on her side too which I understand.

@What is happening to me If it's getting worse check if you're doing more compulsions than usual or you're stressed out

@Ms.shelovesfrogs I think I am. I didn’t go on here for days when I felt good. But now I’m checking every hour which I know I need to stop. Just hate the uncertainty. I’ve just tried to agree with a thought that I am gay and my entire body rushed with fear like I’ve not felt before. Honestly, I’ve gone back down the rabbit hole.

@What is happening to me Ocd could be like that...sit with the discomfort

@Ms.shelovesfrogs Is it supposed to feel awful for so long sitting with the discomfort? Like my entire body is in fight mode and feeling sad.

@What is happening to me Yesss...+ Ocd is about your nervous system being in flight or fight mode

@Ms.shelovesfrogs Ok. I can see this isn’t going to be easy or an quick fix but I will take all your advice on and do my very best. Thank you again.

@What is happening to me - This is a key trait of OCD and a quick hack to remind yourself. OCD starts out of nowhere. it doesn't follow the life patterns. So the fact that you have ALWAYS been attracted to females until recently is a big flashing red light of OCD-OCD-OCD-OCD

@lostinOCD Unfortunately there isn’t any where I live who specialise in OCD. I have been thinking about ones on here but I’m from the UK and unsure how it’s done or cost. But thank you for the support

@lostinOCD I just want to be who I was 4 months ago. My head hurts from the constant thoughts, genuinely feelings like there’s a rock weighing it down. And the anxiety in my chest is awful right now. Few days ago I felt so much better. Then this happened. Honestly questioning if it’s denial or suppressed feelings but deep down I don’t want this. I want my family back. I want to be me who loved women but the loss of attraction and these ‘false attractions’ are killing me. Again though thank you for the support. I know I’m just laying it all out on you here so I do apologise.

@What is happening to me - So it appears you are new to OCD. Welcome to the Club lol. Iv had OCD for over 20 years. seasoned pro here. I'm currently in "remission" no active OCD spirals for several months. I wanted to absolutely DIE last summer tho. So we can hash this out together. You want to tell me what you DO know about OCD and ill fill in the gaps?

@TexasOCD41 Il be honest, these past two days, I feel like I’m back in control. Some minor issues but as I am now, I feel ok. I can feel the anxiety but I feel that I know it’s OCD. Thank you so much for the offer and I will definitely find you if I need! Since I came back on this app after a few days (since this post) I’ve had more thoughts than when I didn’t come on this app. I shouldn’t have looked today but I’m guessing that’s OCD to look for reassurance. But I’m back with the ‘false’ attractions but I think I’m coping with it better than before. Though it’s making my head feel heavy fighting my own brain.

@What is happening to me - Stop fighting it, let it exist and teach yourself to not respond to it. It is difficult in the beginning but it gets easier each time you do it. I am in revoery from debilitating, missing work, losing 15 lbs, going the the ER , OCD last summer. I still have THE EXACT SAME THOUGHTS now as i did then. the ONLY difference, is i don't do compulsions any more. When i get the thoughts that used to cripple me, i just say " meh, that's OCD, not important" and shift my focus back to the present. it took medication and a few months of therapy before doing this over and over and OVER AND OVER finally worked. i promise you i have on a good day, 0 anxiety and on a bad day, 5% anxiety towards the same thoughts that used to give me 1000000% anxiety. OCD is NOT a thought problem, its a feeling and response problem.

@TexasOCD41 Thank you. I appreciate everything you’ve said to help me. Especially when you’ve been through it which gives me some hope. All day today soon as the ‘false’ attraction has tried to get me, I have sat with it which at times been very difficult, I can feel my face screwing up but I did it. Sometimes I found myself looking away quickly to come back but I think I’ve done ok today. It’s tried to get me saying I do find attraction with them but I know deep down i don’t and the thoughts I get I know I will never act on.

@What is happening to me So this is where we use “ maybe so maybe not” statements. Now, a LOT of people struggle with this part because they think by agreeing with the thoughts, it will make the believe they are real. This is NOT true. Ocd is treated with this concept of by agreeing WITH THE THOUGHT ( not its content… just agreeing the thought is happening) that you take away OCDs power. It’s sorta like dealing with a bully who is verbally harassing you and calling you names. You don’t agree with the names but you know if you just say “ yea man you know what? You’re right, I am an asshole, just like you said I was, happy?” This usually de escalates a bully who, feeling satisfied, leaves you alone. Ocd is the same way. If ocd tells you yours gay, say “ yea man you know what? Maybe I am, happy?” Thennnnn ocd has nothing more to taunt you with. Iv had to do it to pretty difficult situations. Iv had to accept “ maybe I did cheat on my husband and don’t remember it, maybe I am attracted to kids, maybe I will unalive myself tonight “ it’s not easy at first but it gets easier. Cuz yea sure maybe so to everything i just said….. but PROBABLY NOT. I acknowledge the maybe so but i live my life in the PROBABLY NOT.

@TexasOCD41 You’re absolutely right. That’s the most difficult part, I thought I was agreeing to the outcome the OCD wants. But on the other hand, it’s like my OCD says “I know you’re trying to trick me by agreeing so it’s not going to work”… You make it sound so easy 😂. The worse part is that I know you’re absolutely right in what I need to do but it’s so difficult.

@What is happening to me - Yes its extrememly simple in theory but difficult in application. I just know from experience that while its hard, and it FEELS like the absolute wrong thing to do, its the only right thing that works. Yes, OCD will throw everything at you, " i know you're trying to trick me by agreeing" you say back " maybe i am..... maybe I'm not, can never know for sure so why waste time trying to figure it out?" You have to play chicken with your brain. ITs scary but the crash never happens. The thing we fears NEVER happens. or IF it does? its NOTHING like what we feared. case and point. i have health OCD. i used to be OBSESSED with having genital herpes. i would be convinced i had it, i would go into the bathroom, hover over a mirror ( fantastic mental image) and inspect myself for 5-10 minuets, see nothing, get up, walk out of the bathroom to do a u-turn right back into it to check again cuz " wait, did i see a small red spot? what is that weird itch i just felt?" and i would do this for an hour straight... I would also take pictures and send them to my best friend and ask if she saw the little red spot i saw... ( yes, 20 year old friendships get COMFORTABLE) she never saw what i saw. i figured she was just trying to lie to me to make me stop worrying. When i wasn't checking, i was googling. id spend probably 6-8 hours a day on google looking up symptoms, pathology, asymptomatic spread. I'm a bit of a herpes expert lol. To me? getting genital herpes was the END of the WORLD! I wouldn't have sex because i felt like i was jeapordizing people possible with an unknown asymptomatic case. it was awful... fast forward a few years, the herpes fear finally went away when i stopped doing all those compulsions and now i just say " eh, maybe i have it, maybe i don't, nothing to worry bout unless i break out, then ill just take some meds and get over it." So i got married 2 years ago. Right before i got married i got an EVERYTHING STD. i wanted to be CERTAIN i wasn't going to be surprised down the line with some asymptomatic STD. it was totally clear. i stopped worrying about everything... last fall, i got my annual pap-smear.. they called my 2 days later. i tested positive for HPV. Let me just say.. thank GOD i was on medication and knew the OCD tools to use.. don't get me wrong, i paniced for a second. " did my husband cheat on me? am i going to get warts? cervical cancer? " i felt DISGUSTING.... buutt i used my tools, i calmed myself down, i called my dr. asked her about it. she said its the most common STI, 98% of sexually active adults have it at some point, most never know. i likely got it in my 20s and it stayed dormant and expressed itself due to an immune system dip. I dot the vaccine when i was 12 so i was protected against the 2 main types that cause cancer and warts. my treatment? eat good, sleep well, exercise, don't stress... so that's what i did. long story.. long lol my fear of an STI basically came true, it wasn't herpes, but it still sucked A LITTLE but i got over it where prior to treating OCD id have TOTALLY spiraled. Now i use my diagnosis to spread awareness and reduce the stigma of it. knowledge is power and having and using the tools when its hard make it easier when life throws you a curve ball. its never as bad as OCD makes you think.

@lostinOCD - to add to that last post. I get my next pap smear in August, they will re-test to see if the HPV cleared ( as it usually does in 1-2 years) but there is a possibly it hasn't, there is even a possibility it has caused pre-cancerous cells to grown on my cervix. am i worried? eh,, maybe like 2%... nothing i can do about it now. so why worry? why borrow sorrow from tomorrow and waste away today? Ill worry about it in August IF those things happen, until, all i can do is live right now, choose to be positive, choose to live my life how I WANT TO, choose the thoughts i think are important and blow off the stupid ones that arent.

@TexasOCD41 Thank you for all the support on these messages. I’m going to do my very best to continue how you said. I’ve had a good couple of days, I can feel it trying to creep back in but I’m not going to care about it. I think my biggest issue is feeling so sorry for my lovely wife and my two children. It’s the four months away from me, from being the husband and dad who I was.

@What is happening to me The husband YOU STILL ARE. we all have our moments. My poor husband had to watch me go thru hell for 5 months. We had only been married 1.5 years at that time. He had NO IDEA was going on but he stuck it out, I came back and picked up where we left off. For better OR FOR WORSE.

@TexasOCD41 She is very supportive. She doesn’t really understand it when I’ve tried to explain but I don’t really blame her. I’ve had a bad night last night and feel like I’m going to spiral today but I need to keep going with the unknowing like you said.