am i trans or am i confused?

My boyfriend is ftm, and I’m very supportive of him and his journey with gender. It opened a lot of conversations between us about each others gender/sexuality. I’ve known for a long time that i’m pan, but I’ve struggled a lot with my own gender. My OCD causes me to doubt myself a lot, one day i feel hyper feminine and have no desire to identify as a man, but the next day I am extremely dysphoric about my body/hair/voice and wonder if I’m ftm as well? and then it goes away the next day. Some days I don’t even feel feminine OR masculine. I spend a lot of my time ruminating over if i’m trans, and abt the possibility of me spending the rest of my life either not knowing, or settling for whatever’s easiest for myself and everyone around me. I don’t know if I actually believe I’m a man, or if I’m pretending, or if it’s just in my head. Its like I don’t know what to trust since my opinion is different every day, and it feels like I can’t trust my own intuition. It’s starting to affect my sex drive, my sleep, my self confidence, and my self image. It’s really confusing me and I’m wondering if anyone can relate or has some advice. Thank you:)

Anonymous

Date posted: 15w

Hi Gwen. Just throwing it out there in case it resonates with you as it seems similar to my case. Humans are constantly wanting to explore while OCD tricks the brain to explore the same topic even after facts and decisions were made. For genders there is a gender fluid that sometimes I feel I'm more in but I find it easier on myself to stick to being female as I'm born and majority enjoy this side. In my situation I caught on early there were many prominent people in my life that seem to act different genders and even ages. That no one person or story really defined what was male or female and what era of clothing what they were wearing. No wonder I was confused at such impressionable stages of life. Now I'm just impressed about others characters if they are kind and enjoy whatever mood they maybe in that may tickle my brain to try to label "Oh that's feminine or mascaculine" and focus more of what I want to do in the moment rather than narrow to myself or others to just an identity because that's always changing and fleeting. Different emotions may still arise but I'm less confused or demanding of myself because my job isn't to be a judge or be "me" I'm just here to enjoy the ride. Different outfits and voices have served me to display my intentions and leading others to favorable outcomes. I accidentally mimicked people's beliefs and mannerisms because I felt so much empathy or cared about them and had to reel myself in out of respect for myself and them. For my parameter I felt I'm not trans or another gender because I believe I would feel a strong sense of "this is my truth" the way I know my hair is black and get confused or insulted if someone insisted otherwise. I definitely don't want surgery and am not committed to be stuck to any particular performance, look, or behavior. I'm just me. You're just you. Even if you want to explore more of what you want to represent yourself, I hope you do it with kindness and patience the way artists have to do layers of paint and even repaint years later to keep it the same or different canvas. Take care of yourself!

Mags2002

Date posted: 25w

I am struggling a lot and can use some support

Important: i am trying to not look for affirmation For a few years now i have been having ocd , i did not get the official diagnosis but my therapist did the official test and it came to like mild ocd ( only not official because i have not and dont want to go to the psychiatrist because i dont want médication and i want to be sure that it is not internalised homophobia also) I have also struggled with pocd for a few months but soocd and rocd are the ones that stay always I have been in a relationship for Almost a year and as in my previous relationships my doubts and personal problems create me to feel weird about my bf, being irritable, not able to enjoy or being unhappy I also do think i can be bi or am bi , i am still questioning I have so many intrusive thoughts and when i for exemple do not fzel like kissing my bf on the lipstick i image it with a girl and it feels like i would want it then or i would be happiee but i also dont want it I am scared that it is internalised homophobia and not ocd and that i dont like men I feel very confused and sad and blocked in my life I feel like if i break up i will be in a relationship with a woman but it makes me sad because that is not what i want ( but you can also be gay and not wanting it) I am so sorry ,i feel so confused and dont know what to do sometimes , i just want to do the right thing for me and my partner Can someone relate or have some support I feel lonely with these feelings

Anonymous

Date posted: 23w

I like a trans man but he looks like a girl to me

I am scared, because we both like each other. We get a long very well, and I enjoy his company so much. He has had top surgery, he has a sharp jawline, he's on HRT, but he also has long hair and pretty eyes. He acknowledges that while he obviously presents masculinely he also some feminine traits, he's a "girly boy". But I am scared cause I don't know if I am really attracted to him for any of the "masculine" parts of him. I am attracted to him, I think, because of the "girly" parts. It feels almost like I am betraying him, like I am attracted to him not because he's a guy but because he looks like a girl to me. Which would be horrible to hear if you're a trans man I'm sure. I have been refusing to accept it for weeks now. It can't be the case, I hope. I have watched gay porn before, a lot actually. But I have never had interest in men before him. Everything in my head points to me doing this shameful act, that this whole time I have been misgendering him in my head. I hate it, because I know in my heart that he is a man. He's even looked like a man in the past to me. So I don't know why I can only see the feminine side now. I just don't want to lose him. I love liking him. I want to talk to him like we always do. Am I gay? I don't know? Do I like men? Same question, but I still don't know. Why do I like him? Because he looks like a man or a girl? I don't know. I am just sad, and scared. My therapist tells me I have to live in uncertainty. I don't doubt her. I am not asking for reassurance, just advice. I also needed to vent. Cause my thoughts are spiraling.

Dreamydream

Date posted: 11w

TOCD

Is it normal for this theme to legit make you feel like you’re the opposite gender and that’s what you want to be and it’s very convincing? And you just keep getting images and scenarios in ur head of you transitioning and actually going through with it? This is sooo scary and i don’t feel like myself at all anymore. It’s making me not feel like a woman or myself of how I’ve always been my whole life. I’m really nervous and scared, it’s really make me feel like this is my true feelings/ self ): it’s causing me to feel weird k. My own body and feel weird about my body parts. Like my brain is literally thinking as a trans person would feel or think like wtf??? Is this normal?!? Pls someone let me know. & and it’s making me feel like I’m attracted to woman all the sudden and i keep getting flashes of that in my head. I’m in a relationship and im scared this is gonna ruin things bc the way this theme is making me feel and my body. Ugh ihml, need some advice. Has anyone experienced exactly this??

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am i trans or am i confused?

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