It must be real now

I’m struggling badly. I did something about a month ago which I now realize was probably testing, but what scares me is I feel like I liked it, which is horrifying. What’s even worse though, is after I did it, I was able to brush it off quickly and not be too bothered by it, as I was still very anxious on other thoughts I was experiencing. Now those thoughts are meaningless and THIS is what’s causing tremendous anxiety, but the fact that I didn’t feel anxiety about it after I did it seals the deal for me. I mean, did feel anxious and guilty after I did it, but I was able to dismiss it somewhat quickly, and I remember that memory came up a couple of times within the month after I did it but like I said, it hasn’t too hard to dismiss it. I really feel like it’s denial. The fact that I wasn’t that anxious about it and tried to justify it/dismiss it HAS to mean it’s been denial all this time, there just no way this is OCD :( Right now I’m anxious about the fact that I might’ve liked it AND the fact that I wasn’t anxious about it for a while. It is really just a torment to ruminate on, and I would never do that thing again, but the fact that I did it and felt like I liked it is beyond terrifying. I feel like I have proof now, I’m trying to figure out why I did it and what it meant, and why I wasn’t super anxious the following weeks after, I mean it WAS uncomfortable to think back on, but I feel like the fact I wasn’t super anxious about it means I was in denial or repressing my true self. I am so so scared. I’ve been worried about this for the past week and a half :( (This is all centered on the same theme btw.)

"Pure" OCD

finches

Date posted: 15w

Hey i think you deleted your recent post while i was typing and I tried to find a way to get this to you by searching ur user. I cant tell you how to cope or what drugs you need but i can tell you what i know about wanting the end to come. my pal, its not the end. just a year ago you werent living like this, whether you can return to that life or not i cant promise you, but chances are if you can stick this out youll find yourself in a place where you can finally say “living like this is worth it if i can feel as happy as i was for those weird 10 minutes again.” and finally, those moments become daily. and finally, you feel like you can enjoy life. and then life feels like it used to (with periods of relapse of course. only natural!) i cant pretend to relate to how cruel ur ocd is when mine isnt even close, but i have hit the rock bottom of being in the ninth grade unbuckling my seatbelt in cars and praying for death to find me before i search for it myself and have to upset my loving family. what made it worth it was when i forced myself to stick that crap out. remembering how i used to laugh when i was in 5th grade. looking for that light again. until one day, i laughed genuinely like that, feeling like myself after so many years, and that moment felt worth surviving for. i agreed to live so i could try and experience something like that again. i thank myself everyday for not throwing away what i currently have, because the me 2 years ago would have a stroke if they saw me now. Because its impossible to comprehend a future where you’re actually okay until youre living it again. Please dont be so quick to decide. Dont rob yourself of possibly having the life you deserve. I dont know what you need to get there, im not familiar with psychiatrists or medication or ACTUALLY getting mental help. but i know you will! however long it takes you will be worth it when you get there. only if you live to keep trying, though. itll be worth it because your most authentic self did summer school WILLINGLY like.. u were passionate about what a lot of kids consider the most mundane part of their life. and wanted more of it. you can love life, girl. again.

sofiaraaah7

Date posted: 15w

@finches Thank you so much for this. Really it means so much to me. I don’t know where to even start with thanking you because my words feel powerless, but thank you so much.

finches

Date posted: 15w

@sofiaraaah7 girl dont thank me i just want u to live! <3 the way u described yourself a year ago is someone i wanna know can shine again! seeing you say ur only in ninth grade just brought me back to when i was too, and i saw myself so clearly in you despite our different struggles

TexasOCD41

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 15w

So , lets take a look at this. You may not have felt like it distressed you at the time, but what do you call this post? i would say the distress has caught up to you now. This is also a pattern i notice when someone actually seems like they are close to getting OVER and ocd trigger, they second guess the lack of anxiety. In reality, that is something you WANT to happen. you WANT to be able to have the icky thoughts and not be distressed by them BECAUSE they don't mean anything. I would like to know the scenario you are talking about, as in what did you do that you believe was testing, and you feel you liked. Feelings are not facts. you cannot live your life allowing you feelings to dictate how you live it or what they mean. the anxiety you are feeling about this is the proof it is still OCD. OCD causes unwanted feelings and provides feelings that mimic desire. its called false attraction. I can help you more if i understand the situation more if you are comfortable explaining it to me.

sofiaraaah7

Date posted: 15w

@TexasOCD41 Thank you so much for your reply. The scenario I’m talking about is in a sexual nature so I’m kind of embarrassed to share but is this a safe place to share with you?

TexasOCD41

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 15w

@sofiaraaah7 - 10000% i have no idea who you are, where you live, i know zero about you. Can't get much more anonymous than that lol.

lu22

Date posted: 23w

Harm ocd come back

Suddenly I started ruminating again but I no longer get bad anxiety over the thoughts but it feels like the ‘urges’ are still there and it’s making it seem more real that these are true. Why am I having urges without the anxiety or it’s weird like i don’t even know when im anxious maybe i got use to the feeling of being anxious but it feels too real and I get these weird thought that are like ‘imagine you was evil anyways’ or ‘imagine you want to be but your in denial’ or the worst makes it feel like you would like acting on the thoughts even if you choose not to do it and it feels really real. The thoughts are about stabbing and it felt so real and I started imaging it on purpose to ‘test’ myself but it doesn’t ever feel like I hate it enough or don’t want it like I feel numb to everything and it feels really real like I want it or do want to do it but I’m just choosing not to and it’s scary but I use to get so much anxiety over this and now nothing now it feels like I don’t even feel like I ‘hate’ it or I should know that I don’t want to do that? Instead of sitting there experimenting with the thoughts to see. I want it to feel like I don’t want it and don’t like it I constantly feel like I’m lying about not wanting this, but it’s concerning me a lot because it feels so real that I like it or want it and there was one point where it felt like it was about to happen and that I wanted it and now that’s made me think there is something wrong with me or that I want to give in to it 🙁 please I don’t belive anything I don’t even belive I am sad it feels so real that it was about to happen or I wanted it and I don’t know what to do I was fine before and suddenly I started ruminating and now this

lu22

Date posted: 23w

Suffering a lot, need advice, have no therapy 🙁🙁

I feel like this time I can’t pick myself back up. It felt too real like I don’t even belive it wasn’t real I fully feel like it was my own feeling and I genuinely felt that. I had stabbing intrusive thoughts, I imaginined it on purpose to test my reaction and then it felt like I know how it feels to physically do that action (stab someone) and I like how it feels then I was getting these urge feelings and it felt like I wanted it and then I was imagining the thoughts again about stabbing someoneI care about multiple times and then It suddenly felt like I was really happy about the thought and almost like I really enjoyed it and realised why evil people enjoy doing these things like I felt what they felt like I’ve discovered a ‘thrill’ feeling of doing that evil thing and I can’t get over it I can’t figure out why it felt like that and now I’m thinking because it felt like I liked it and it felt good I will be curious about being evil or want to be evil to feel that feeling again and it’s really messed up and I don’t know what to do everytime I think about it it feels like there is actually something wrong with me I no longer have anxiety or feel really worried about the thoughts I feel numb and that feeling is really making me feel bad like I can’t live normally now it feels like I am actually evil now and I don’t even know if I have morals or if i would be evil or not. Normally with my thoughts no matter how real it’s felt I’ve managed to convince myself why I had a certain feeling and why it’s not real and why I’m a good person but this time it actually feels like that feeling was from me and I actually felt really happy and enjoyed or got a thrill from the idea of doing that horrible thing like I can’t even say it feels real because I’m thinking it is real I don’t know what to do 🙁🙁I’ve had ocd for a few years but don’t get anxious anymore and this feels like I’m actually bad or would want to do it because of that feeling

issphra 🫶🏻

Date posted: 18w

I’m freaking out please help

I don’t know if my hormones are extra wild this month or what, but I have been having so many POCD thoughts lately. It feels like I enjoy them in the moment, and then a few seconds later, I get this tiny flicker of *wait I don’t think I actually want to enjoy that.* It’s scaring me a lot. I was watching adult videos for the first time in about a year, since I had been avoiding them because of my OCD. I know they are not good for anyone, but I felt like i could (ironically it felt like a tiny win that my OCD had calmed down enough). But while watching, I had like 3 separate POCD thoughts. And it felt like I liked them. Like genuinely *liked* them. I don’t know if maybe my body was mixing up physical pleasure and mental pleasure, and then my brain inserted those not okay thoughts into the situation, which got tangled up with the pleasure responses I felt mentally and physically. It is all really confusing. I just feel so scared. I know OCD thoughts are supposed to feel real, and that once you get desensitized to the anxiety, they lose their power. But this feels like I am *actually enjoying* the thoughts, and that makes me want to cry. I’m scared that I actually like these thoughts when I’m really aroused :( Please help.

Be a part of the largest OCD Community

Share your thoughts so the Community can respond

It must be real now

Related posts

Be a part of the largest OCD Community

Be a part of the largest OCD Community