a thought?

I cant get over this thought that is messing my recovery up so much. it was “if you dont act on your thoughts this will never go away” which led to thoughts like if i even wanted to get better, if i even want my life back, if i even WANTED this to go away, etc. im scared. im confused. is this normal? am i gonna have to act on this stuff now? im mainly concerned about my family. i dont wanna hurt them. this disease is horrible. this subtype is horrible. i love my family. why would i want to hurt them? im so afraid this is it for me. i try to do what everyone tells me. ignore the thought, let it sit, sit with the uncertainty/discomfort but the anxiety doesn’t go away. this thought keeps coming back with a vengeance. i thought i was making great progress but im back where i was. i ruminate about this 24/7 and i dont know how to stop. we tried sitting on the couch together last night and it felt like i was RESISTING hurting them. im in constant awareness that i can act on these anytime and it hinders my daily life and work so much. everytime i talk to anyone in my family i feel things like i shouldnt be talking to them if im gonna hurt them and i dont deserve to be around them. i feel like i dont deserve to be alive, i dont deserve to be happy, and i dont deserve to be comfortable. i feel like a psycho whos never gonna get to live life with a husband and family. i feel like i don’t deserve my sweet boyfriend. i dont want my thoughts to latch onto him. this is my mind when i wake up, when i try to go about my day, and when i go to sleep. it feels like it just wont dissipate regardless of what i do. the cycle never ends. its been 4 MONTHS. what the fuck do i do anymore

Harm OCD

OCDFamily

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 15w

I am sorry you are deep in this ocd spiral. You can get better. Have you tried meds or ocd therapy? If you can't do those, have you read or watched videos about harm ocd? Ocd attacks whatever means the most to you. You CAN get better and have a good life

Someonemaybe

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 15w

If ever hated anything about mental health it’s dealing with the GD spirals. Mine are with depression. First, you DO deserve to be alive and be happy and you DO deserve to sit with your family without those horrible thoughts. I’ve found that ocd disagrees and won’t let you be until you do the thing, though when you have done it, it wants it again. You DO deserve to be you. No, you do not act on the thoughts. We can’t not have the thoughts that are in our own head, but we have decisions to make regarding our actions based on them. For a short time i acted on mine, i went with it, said fuck it, fine, I’m doing it. In turn, the damage is immeasurable and irreversible. I hurt the ones i love more deeply than i could’ve ever imagined. I almost ended myself because the guilt was just too much. I wish i would’ve known then what i know now. But i can’t erase history. However, i can sure as hell change what i do and I’m doing exactly that for the rest of my days. I have the thoughts still, but they are for the most part powerless, inert, useless. They are not ignored, they can’t be, but i don’t give them a damn leg to stand on. Perhaps for every negative or intrusive thought you have, counter it with the opposite. If you’re struggling with i want to harm this person, say no, i want to hug this person. Start with one thought and let your own desires overpower its desire to control you. I really hope any of this helps. I can completely identify with what you’re struggling with. You’re awesome for sharing this here with us, for fighting to be you. Never stop!

OCDFamily

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 15w

It sounds like you may be giving your thoughts too much power? Ocd loves it when you wrestle or try to disprove it.

laladracu

Date posted: 15w

@OCDFamily How do I not give them power? I keep trying to tell myself this is OCD and it will pass but the thoughts just keep coming back. I dont know if its me or OCD anymore.

Someonemaybe

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 15w

@OCDFamily You’re probably right. I’ve learned a lot in the past few months and surely still learning. I’ll get it though, eventually. Thank you for pointing that out💯.

Someonemaybe

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 15w

@laladracu That’s an excellent question, how do you know if it’s you or not? Best way i can tell is you don’t want to do what it’s wanting you to do. It’s not you.

OCDFamily

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 15w

@laladracu The thoughts are distasteful to you - that is classic ocd from what i understand. Erp makes the thoughts less shocking so you can let them float through your head with no judgement.

Someonemaybe

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 15w

@OCDFamily I’ve never thought of it that way, that makes complete sense. Thank you very much💯

FaithSheagren

Date posted: 24w

Intrusive thoughts about intrusive thoughts

Hi everyone. I’ve been doing therapy for about two months now and I would say it’s slowly helping me a lot. I explained to her the breathing techniques and “sitting in the anxiety for a bit” and I feel like those are helping. But then my therapist said “don’t sit in the thought because then you might act on it”. I don’t “sit in the thought” but rather i sit in the anxiety to comdition my brain into thinking it’s not a threat. But ever since yesterday, my therapy appointment, I’ve been really shooken up. Even though I don’t “sit in the thought” I feel like a bad person that she even had to bring it up even though I explained it wrong. I’m so upset I feel like I just took 3000 steps back from my progress and this little thing is really scaring me. Am I a bad person? I don’t want to act on any of my thoughts and it scares me so bad I hate living.

AnonymousOne...

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 23w

I don't know what's happening...

I feel like the thoughts are telling me, "You want this, you want to be attracted to kids" when I know that's not the case. I've been stuck ruminating for the past couple of days and I'm so worried about this disorder convincing me that I'm something I've never been. I try not to fight it, but when I don't it feels like I'm giving into it like it's true. The meds I'm on keep me from being super depressed, but it's still there. I feel like I'm going to act on my thoughts one day and it worries me. I don't feel like myself anymore and I don't know if this is progress or a relapse. Even when having intercourse with my partner, I had to thought block because the thoughts were images while in the middle of it. Then afterwards, they came flooding in saying that I was doing it as a distraction. I don't know what else to do. I try to pinpoint all of my triggers, but sometimes I don't think I even have any. I feel like a monster. I'm honestly scared.

Andi 🤓☝️

Date posted: 17w

Anxious

I'm at my college and don't feel like being here. I didn't even want to come here. I woke up with anxiety bc i feel like i need to solve this. I had a bad stomach ache when i arrived to school and still havent even eaten breakfast yet bc i feel like i have to solve this. Im just so worried bc i have harm thoughts daily. If i could i would remove this! I dont want to think anymore. Its just, how do I know i dont have real urges when I'm feeling a negative emotion like anger or disappointment or annoyance? Im worried EVERY time i feel a negative emotion. Yesterday I was playing video games with my neice (we are close in age range) and she made us lose. She started blaming me and I guess i felt a little annoyed, it really wasnt my fault (dumb mini argument it was more playful since we started laughing but it was a bit annoying). Anyway i got a harm thought while feeling annoyed of me getting off the couch and lunging at her to attack. I immediately look at my bodily reaction and I tense up to stay as still as possible. My stomach was hurting and i wanted to leave as fast as possible. I stood up and turned off the game and said i was tired while making sure to stay back from her (and i had my hands away and stiff) but i felt so uneasy. I laid I bed and felt sad and heavy. And i kept getting thoughts that said "íts only a matter of time before you can't take it anymore". I started to reassurance seek using ai to ask if i was about to or if they are real urges or thoughts i mean until i eventually fell asleep in the middle of the compulsion. Im just so worried, what if I act out impulsevly one day? I dont want to! But what if when feeling a negative emotion, i suddenly dont care and do something? I really dont want to! I dont even want to feel negative emotions anymore since they trigger the thoughts and I dont want to think about any of that. As a result i tend to avoid my family as much as possible bc they are annoying sometimes. I just wish i was all alone sometimes so i wont get any more thoughts and so everyone can be safe. I usually just stay in bed under my blankets all day long to avoid my family and pets. I am constantly uncomfortable. I miss when i would never think any of this. Living life has become very scary for me now. 😞

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