Heyyyy!

I think I may have SO-OCD and OCD in general. At a young age fear of death. I use to tap my heart 8 times (lucky number) for each person I loved. Then I think I suffered with ROCD and HOCD when I was 18 after 2 bad relationships who they ran off with a ‘close’ friend at the time. I’ve struggled with OCD and these HOCD/ SO-OCD about 12 years ago but the HOCD went and the ROCD came back and forth. I did previously last year have a Fear of death of my children with alligators going on holiday after reading a bad article in Florida which lasted few months. Briefly Started with ‘R-OCD’ again but went pretty quickly. Am I good enough for my partner? Is she going to leave me? What if she finds someone else? Though I saw a picture of a good looking male on a social media which my Brian instantly questioned if I was gay, panic and anxiety which lead to which I think is SO-OCD and HOCD. An obsession is an unwanted and unpleasant thought, image or urge that repeatedly enters my mind, causing feelings of anxiety, disgust or unease. A compulsion is a repetitive behaviour or mental act that you feel you need to do to temporarily relieve the unpleasant feelings brought on by the obsessive thought. I’m stuck in obsessive doubt around my sexual identity, even though I say that deep down i know what my sexual identity is but even this is being questioned at the minute and I want to cry. I have always, always been interested in women. That much I would say I had a sex addiction. My attraction to the opposite sex has pretty much disappeared. I have a fleeting thought of attraction which will set off a cascade of doubt and terror which some thoughts/ feelings make me physically sick. I’m scared of going out in public or even looking at people especially men for the fear of false attraction. I try to do ERP when I do have moments but it makes me want to be sick. My brain feels like it’s in a clamp and I can’t stop the constant thoughts. It feels like something is my head has stopped or not working correctly. Even at night. Every time I wake my chest seems to feel strange and the thoughts are suddenly there. I’ve tried ERP but it makes me want to be sick even when it subsides. I am still continuing this but I feel so drained. I just want to be myself again who I was 3 months ago. I hate that this has happened and I feel that I can’t cope, can’t be the husband I want to be, can’t be the father I want and was. These are my main issues at the moment; false attraction to pretty much any male even voices, decrease attraction in opposite gender, severe anxiety, I can’t sleep or eat, constant thoughts 24/7 and scenarios, groinal responses, seavere recriminatory thinking, I hate myself, I even have false attraction to myself in the mirror. What is wrong with me? I just want to be the husband and father I was a few months ago!

As a lesbian with SO-OCD, I feel so helpless. It's truly exhausting because no one I know understands what I'm going through. The first response is always, "You're just confused" or "You don't have to know yet." But that's not the issue, I do know. I just never see any lesbians with SO-OCD so I feel so invalidated. These thoughts flood my brain constantly, forcing me to analyze my reactions to every man I see. I feel trapped in an endless cycle of "testing" myself, trying to prove that I don't like them. But my brain fights back, telling me I do want to love a man, making it feel real even though don't want it. It's terrifying. At this point, it's hard to even hold onto my identity as a lesbian because I'm so overwhelmed. I don't know if this is what real attraction is supposed to feel like, and that fear eats away at me. The truth is, when I think about being with a man, all I feel is disgust and fear-but my brain twists that into doubt. I hate it. I'm at the point where I'm scared I'm going to have to accept something I don't want because I don't know if this will ever go away. I miss who I was before all this.

i had recently been triggered to have so-ocd. its been on my mind non-stop. (i am a heterosexual female) and my mind has been all over the place questioning if i have been in denial the entire time. ive always had people tell me they sort of got that vibe it it never really affected me until my own mother had her suspicions. so i would constantly get triggered un public around the same gender, while knowing my true sexuality. ive always been attracted to men but as of recently ive been having super bad anxiety to where i cannot eat or sleep and feel weak all the time. it was like that for a week or so. now im in the calm where i have been trying accept the uncertainty but it still isnt fair as im getting triggered. im a little worried because it feels like i have been lying to my parents the entire time although ive never had the desire to be with the same gender. and i keep getting intrusive thoguhts that make me feel anxious and uncomfortable. its all starting to affect my friendships as im constantly getting triggered with the intrusive thoguhts. i feel a little less anxious compared to how i was a couple days ago. im really scared on why im having these thoughts now when i have been having romantic feelings for a guy the past year or so. ive also been struggling with false attraction and loss attraction to men. it makes me feel uncertain of my life the entire time