idk if its harm ocd anymore

I dont know whats going on. I dont know if its OCD anymore. I know it was in the beginning. Ive been through a lot of trauma and had one little scary thought of killing my sister 4 months ago that has blossomed into this giant idea of me being a serial killer and wanting to hurt everyone (I never had any social issues growing up but I have had some trauma). Recently I’ve been having urges to just give in. And my mental images have been horrible and I can’t stop checking if I like them or not. I think I’ve convinced myself I have. This morning I woke up a shaking mess with an urge to unalive my family and when my mom left for work I was alone with my sister and couldnt stop vomiting uncontrollably. I dont know if i’m upset because I cant hurt anyone and I want to, or if I’m scared and just want my old life back. I was an avid horror and gore lover and now I’m convinced I want to do the things I’ve seen in the movies. Someone please help. I’m ready to check into the psych ward.

Harm OCD

anonymousgg

Date posted: 12w

You're safe, love. No matter how much you think it's real, it's ALWAYS going to be your OCD. I know you can't see that now but from an outsider's perspective, this sounds exactly like an OCD obsession. You're safe, you and your family and everyone. I promise

laladracu

Date posted: 12w

@Connie Byers I dont feel like I’m safe and I don’t know if this will ever just fade away. I take buspirone anxiety medication for this. The anxiety is slowly fading but the thoughts are still there and now it feels like I just don’t care. My mind is convincing me I want to see real g*re. I just want to wake up one day and all of it to be gone. I never had an issue. Idk if OCD has just shown me what I’m capable of and now I want to do it. I just dont know. But I wish I could stop thinking about it. I cant watch movies, play games, go out or anything without this “desire” being there. Its like suddenly I have a “desire” to hurt people. But I’ve always loved people. I’ve worked customer service for years. Family was always my #1 priority.

anonymousgg

Date posted: 12w

@laladracu Unfortunately, the advice you need to take is that you need to sit with that feeling. You'll feel unsafe for a bit, but no matter what, you'll need to just sit with that discomfort. I too wish there was another cure for OCD but we have to take the hard way out:/ I'm here for you<3

curtkobain :>

Date posted: 12w

@laladracu I know exactly what you mean, that happened to me as well, the thoughts stayed and the anxiety faded. But over time, once you learn to leave the thoughts alone and not do any compulsions (which includes seeking reassurance) the thoughts will fade too. And suddenly you’ll realize everything isn’t as scary as you thought. The fact that you are so worried about this means that you aren’t capable of doing it and it wasn’t your true intention before ocd came. Keep living your life and do what you like/want despite the thoughts, despite the anxiety, remember it’s just ocd.

laladracu

Date posted: 12w

@nirvanafreddy Then why do I feel so strongly about doing it now? Why do I feel like I would like it? I cant even look at my mom or sister in the eyes anymore.

curtkobain :>

Date posted: 12w

@laladracu Yea that happened to me too. Ocd is weird, for some reason it messes up our emotions and makes them feel bad even when we don’t mean any harm.

laladracu

Date posted: 12w

@nirvanafreddy How long did it take you to recover?

curtkobain :>

Date posted: 12w

@laladracu Well, I’m not fully recovered, but my ocd is subsiding and mentally i’m in a much better place and i’m able to brush thoughts aside now. Overall, it took me about a year or so, because I was in a void of seeking reassurance and doing compulsions nonstop before i gained the courage to try and get better. There’s always hope 🩷

tayanominous

Date posted: 25w

Is this still ocd or am I a bad person

TW!! I’m not doing well i dont know what’s real and what’s not so basically i get really really bad disturbing sexual thoughts abt family unfortunately and it feels so real and OCD makes me think I want or like the thoughts and sometimes family members touch me which sounds weird but I mean like on my arms and stuff I start laughing and smiling and I get rlly frustrated like I literally start to laugh and smile and grin and stuff and it makes me think i want these thought even more anyways so I purposely started to think of harm OCD intrusive thoughts to try and counter the ones I’m dealing with which ik it sounds like a compulsion but at least it’s working a bit and so I’m worried I don’t feel disturbed by these thoughts and I have no anxiety around them and I want to go to a mental ward but “my condition isint serious enough ” aghhhh

samlovesjesus

Date posted: 22w

how do i know if i have OCD?

so this all started not too long ago, for literally no reason at all. but one day i got a random intrusive thought about harming others and it freaked me out bad. since then i’ve been non stop focusing on it and im genuinely scared that i am, or gonna end up like those sick people that have documentaries about them. i’ve never had these types of thoughts before and after me and my mom looked a lot of stuff up we think i have OCD cuz a lot of the stuff it was saying was accurate to me. to anyone in here, does this sound like OCD to you? i’ve always been a nice loving person and these thoughts freak me out so bad and make me feel like i’m a bad gross person. it got to the point i don’t even like looking at myself anymore. i just wanna go back to normal man. another thing to add, when i would explain this to my mom even though i was telling the full truth on how crappy this made me feel it felt like i was lying almost? but i know i wasn’t deep down. i’m just scared that what if i act on something or get in my head too much you know?

laladracu

Date posted: 15w

OCD is through the roof

i am convinced im a psycho killer. everytime im around my mom or sister i get these intense thoughts of stabbing or hurting them. when they’re not around its not as intense but its still there. its literally on my mind 24/7. im so tense 24/7. were currently looking for a puppy for the family and when me and my sister were playing with them today the thought was still there. nothing distracts me from it. video games and EVERYTHING else doesn’t work. im starting to feel like i WANT to do these things. i was never like this until i had a marijuana induced panic attack in january. i feel like something happened to my brain and its not just ocd anymore. i dont even know if im faking it. i have suffered from relationship ocd, pedophile ocd, and health ocd. i got over those relatively quickly. this new theme came out of nowhere after a panic attack on a plane coming home from a horror convention in february. i dont see a way out of this one. its been months. i try to let them sit and i get a panic attack. all i do everyday is cry. i feel like my life is over. i talk to a therapist and i have tried two medications that didnf work work. i dont know how to live like this. im afraid im gonna lose my relationship and im afraid im gonna lose my whole life ahead of me. im just 22. i just want the old me back.

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idk if its harm ocd anymore

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