So i was watching this girl on youtube. I watched her and got kinda sad because she really matches who i used to be u know? Like if i wouldnt be having hocd i would be her right now, we have like the same style, humor and interests a bit. So i see her getting her room christmas ready and jm just here being sad because i wish i could feel the winter and christmas vibes like she does but i feel empty instead lol. Anyway i see a video where she casually says shes bi. I really did not expect that from her bevause she ls like super girly and like the basic lifestyle beautyguru kinda girl and i was like shook because it doesnt happen a lot. And i expected myself to be anxious but i actually felt relieved by it? Like u can be bi and still feel cozy and feel girly n cute. And now why that comforts me is i think because that makes me *accept* being bi easier. And now im not saying im bi but we all know that if you want to get rid of hocd u gotta accept what you fear. Now i fear im gay and bi, i fear liking girls. But if she is still herself than i can be too and like fake accept it so i can come at peace and my old self would maybe actually return you know and things would clear up. Im hoping that if things clear up i would just like boys only again and find myself again and i wouldnt have to be anxious anymore ebvause i accepted to be bi without actually being it. Idk is this like a good thing to do?

it feels like i accepted being gay and thats part of who i am but i still feel that tension and fake attraction whenever i see a man and i feel like i could be able to have a sexual intercourse with a man even though i dont want it is it still hocd or just denial? like i am feeling okey but there is still that doubt that how can i know that im not gay if i dont get disgusted by gay things or gay personality traits and at the same time i want to feel normal again like before

trigger warning!!!!!! I’m really scared right now. I’ve been reading Elle Warren’s articles about her experience with HOCD/SO-OCD, and it feels so similar to mine. She went through the same fears of being a lesbian, felt distressed by her attraction to women, and spent hours ruminating, Googling, and analyzing her feelings. She even experienced groinal responses and revisited old memories, just like I do. Eventually, she had a moment of realization in college when she flirted with a girl, and everything clicked. She now identifies as a lesbian. I’m terrified that the same thing will happen to me. I thought the OCD fears were supposed to never be true and that HOCD thoughts are usually just compulsions that don’t end up being real. But reading her story, it’s like I’m seeing my own experience mirrored. What if it clicks for me, just like it did for her? What if I realize that I am a lesbian? Elle’s story makes me so scared. I thought my feelings of attraction to women were just OCD-driven, and now I’m questioning everything. I thought I was straight, but now, reading her journey, I’m wondering: could my OCD fears actually be real? Elle’s experience was very similar to mine: • She got distressed when she thought she might like women, not relieved. • She spent a lot of time ruminating, Googling, analyzing, and comparing. • Her attraction to women only became intense when her OCD flared up. • She said things like, “I feel peace when I believe I’m straight.” • She had already been diagnosed with OCD and had a history of this pattern. After years of fear and distress, Elle had a moment of calm and realized that it was true. I’m scared that this could happen to me too. Will I have a similar moment of acceptance, where everything clicks and I realize I’m gay? Or will I come to accept that this is all OCD, and that I’m straight, with the possibility that I’m not? I also keep thinking back to when my OCD lessened the first time. Did I go back to men because I wasn’t actually attracted to women, or was it just because the grip of the OCD had loosened? Elle also talked about the shame associated with non-heterosexuality. She mentioned that, like many of us, she had internalized stigma around being gay, and that it made her fear the possibility of being non-heterosexual. I can relate to this so much—growing up, I never saw it as an option to be anything other than straight, and now it’s hard to shake that fear and shame. Elle mentioned that she found reassurance in seeing other people with HOCD who worried that their fears would come true, but eventually realized they were just OCD thoughts. That idea is comforting, but also a little scary, because what if that moment of realization happens for me too? What if I finally accept that I am a lesbian? Or, what if I’m just struggling with OCD and eventually realize I’m straight? I just don’t know. The scariest part is that, just like Elle, I feel like I don’t have any obvious signs. She had no idea she was a lesbian until one day, everything clicked. She was 21, just like me when my OCD fears really flared up, and she had a breakthrough moment in Denver when she made friends with lesbians. That hasn’t happened for me yet, and it’s terrifying to think that it could happen in the future. I don’t know what’s going to happen, but I’m really scared about where this will lead.

I’ve had hocd for around 11 months now. It’s gotten to the point where I’m just convinced that I am bi. I still like boys like I always have, but I feel like I like girls too. I have no anxiety either or active thoughts. It’s just kinda there like yep I’m bi and ok with it. Anyone else? Just curious.