I feel like I'm not in control of my own mind

I hate the way ocd has completely messed up my brain, I struggle to tell the difference between an intrusive though and a regular one, I have really bad issues with morality and I feel as if my brain can no longer tell what is and isn't right and I can't tell if I'm over reacting about situations and I end up feeling stuck in a loop of wondering if I'm a bad person and trying to look at a situation rationally and not knowing if that's even possible with the state of my mind, I feel like none of my thoughts are actually mine. I hate it and I wish I could feel in control of my thoughts even for just a day, just to know what it's like. I've had ocd symptoms since I was about 9-10 so i feel like I've never really know a life without it. I just wish I could live out my teenage years like anyone else my age. I can hardly engage with my hobbies and passions and I don't know what to do about it. I can't go to therapy or get medication because I'm not even diagnosed, I just feel trapped. I'm only a teenager, like I said, I don't want to live my entire life like this.

"Pure" OCD

buggyladyxo

Date posted: 10w

Sorry in advance this is gonna be long! 🌷 I am 30 now, but have had OCD my entire life. I really feel for you. I felt robbed too. I had no idea what it was at the time. If I can offer up this, I think one things that has been helpful through my own journey is writing down good memories or days that you have. It can even be as simple as “I got out of bed today.” With our brains, getting out of the loop is not an easy task. I think thats another thing to put into perspective, our days are going to continue to look different to other peoples. But I have good news, they always will be different regardless of OCD so you get to decide how you want to live them! It’s not your fault your brain has been wired this way, and you are not a bad person for it. It’s also not a moral issue of you having a hard time trying to pull yourself out of this alone. I know I couldn’t do it and still can’t. You just need extra support and that is perfectly okay. I try and tell myself I need to do at least one thing that I know will make me happy. If its reading 10 pages of a book, doodling for 5 min, take baby steps. And please, do reach out for help. You do not have to do this alone. It’s really scary, but I sure hope your family would rather help you than watch you be in pain. I’m lucky that mine saw me through my worst and forced me to get help even if they didn’t believe it at first. People are capable of change 🌸 Wishing you the best of luck. You got this!!!

Mgully09

Date posted: 10w

I just read this in its entirety and it really hits home. Hearing the experiences of other people with OCD has always made me feel better and this gives me alot of hope and I will take your advice in regards to reaching out for help and the bit about writing down good memories and seems like a nice thing I could do. I'll keep this reply in mind whenever I'm going through something!! Thank you so much :)

buggyladyxo

Date posted: 10w

@Mgully09 Im not cured but I still live a really happy life with friends, my partner, my dog, and my family. You can too. We just have extra sticky brains. Remember to be nice to it as much as you can. And every day is a new one. It wont be perfect but thats not the point of life! ❤️ I’m happy my words can bring you some hope. Enjoy your day regardless of how it started! I’m rooting for you! We all are :)

Mgully09

Date posted: 10w

@buggyladyxo I'm so happy to hear that your doing well and it's makes me so happy knowing I can do the same, thanks for your advice!!! :)

Estrid

Date posted: 10w

So sorry to hear. I wish you could have therapy. Why aren't you diagnosed?? I wish you could reach out for help. There is hope and possibilitues for you to live a better life - even if you can't see it now.

Mgully09

Date posted: 10w

I'm not diagnosed because I just haven't brought up the possibility of having ocd with anyone in my family who could actually provide help to me, I don't know, I wrote a post about it a few days ago, I just really don't want to. But thanks, appreciate this comment alot

Estrid

Date posted: 10w

@Mgully09 I know it can be hard to tell our family - but you have to think about the consequenses of not reaching out for help. Maybe you can talk to someone else? Healthcare in school? A trusted friend? Maybe you believe in your thoughts and are afraid to talk about them to others, that's common. You sound like a mature and intelligent person, try to gather courage to change your situation in some way. You are worthy of a better life!

Mgully09

Date posted: 10w

@Estrid Thank you for this, it truly means alot. I'll definitely try and make a change. :)

Estrid

Date posted: 10w

@Mgully09 👍👍👍

Allyjade04!

Date posted: 22w

I just want to feel comfortable and content.

I’m a 20 yr old female, I think I’ve always had ocd but the symptoms didn’t become apparent to me until I was about 17. I feel like that’s where life went downhill for me. OCD attacks everything that is important to me, my sexuality, my morals, even my health. Sometimes I wish I could be a kid again and not have this vicious disease in my head constantly bullying me. But I know I will overcome it one day.

iluvpink

Date posted: 18w

A small vent

I've been struggling with ocd since I was 7. I'm 18 now and it feels like the older I've gotten the worse it's gotten. I don't know how to deal with it and i feel so lost and alone. Its hard for me to even say what my intrusive thoughts are or to even fully acknowledge it to myself in my head because im scared that if i put it out in the world itll be true or if i acknowledge the thought it solidifies it and makes it true. i feel like im just over exaggerating what im feeling and im turning something that isnt there into something bigger which makes it hard to talk about it with other people. Especially because im not diagnosed but I know it's ocd but what if it isnt? What if im lying to myself or I'm just doing it to get attention and I don't realize it? I just try to deal with it on my own but it's so hard and feels impossible. I feel like ocd has contaminated every part of my life that I enjoy. The things that used to bring me comfort are now filled with things that trigger my ocd and bring me anxiety.

Anonymous

Date posted: 15w

Feel lost and without hope

I dont know what to do anymore. I think Ive had the 'pure O' version of OCD for more than ten years. I feel like so much of my life has been wasted from this disease. For the longest time I just tried to ignore the intrusive thoughts, and push them off as anxiety, and basically dissociated for years of my life. Feels like Ive just been on autopilot and a shell of myself for nearly 15 years. Its actually hard to even imagine of all the experiences, emotions, connections with others, and personal growth that Ive missed out on- if I do, I think it would be too much to handle. I think Ive even forgot and dont even know at this point what it is to live a normal life and experience positive emotions. Now that I sought treatment for it specifically, it feels like it's gotten worse. Like by acknowledging that part of myself, suddenly added focus just makes it more real and in the forefront now. I wonder if I am actually going insane. Will not go into details for reassurance but the thoughts just rip my soul out. Its so difficult as well because I will get random 'clarity moments' throughout the day where I feel like Ive solved something, then get completely derailed by another OCD thought stream and forget everything. It feels like Im just on a merry-go-round of hell, not going anywhere thinking I am at times.

Be a part of the largest OCD Community

Share your thoughts so the Community can respond

I feel like I'm not in control of my own mind

Related posts

Be a part of the largest OCD Community

Be a part of the largest OCD Community