compulsively testing for attraction GONE WRONG

I was doing some research and saw about the narcissistic traits that OCD can create. Is this after the person knows they have OCD? Because I always knew I had it. But it was the classic one, with little quirks. Years later I developed false memory and intrusive thoughts whit my present theme. I was reading this because I was thinking about attraction. And I think I'm only attracted to two people in this life. But I remember from times by I had the feeling to please people. Without any interest and without even having the intention to do it, it was very automatic. So I was constantly focusing on how I was apparently being. I never acted like I was interested, but it was always like I was dealing with people's focuses. To tell you the truth, I've noticed that I do this even in other social interactions. I feel like I'm being watched all the time and so I have to act the way I'd like to be seen, like a sweet and delicate person. To be honest, I thought it had to do with my childhood issues because I was very careless and that got me bullied a lot when I was little kid. So I thought I was super focused on my appearance because of that. And I thought that the agaradar came as a consequence precisely because I was always seen as a grotesque girl because I took little care of myself. I even remember that the compliment that made me happiest was when someone said I was delicate. It made sense to me that it really was that. But after researching more, I realized that there are a lot of impulsive and repetitive things in my actions. And never with any intention. But in a very strange way. So much so that when I was younger I swore that I had some kind of personality disorder because it was very common to act one way one day and another way the next day. Maybe I was just an unstable teenager? Thank u for the help!

i was thinking abt the time my ex friend randomly sent me without consent illegal stickers to mess with me me and while i didn't look at it because i didnt want it i read through the description what it was. now my brain is telling me intrusive obsessional questions such as "why is it wrong though?" and trying to convince me this thesis with "think about it", trying to make me doubt my belief. it's a question to which my answer is "obviously wrong" as for me is a dogma but my brain keeps knocking on me and persisting with multiple "why?" and "why?" and "but why' and i feel more and more uncertain, almost like believing it while not wanting it and not liking it. im not attracted to that shit, i didnt enjoy this thought process i was bothered and anxious abt it, not liking it but still distressingly seeing it through. but the obsessional question still persists, and it scared me a lot because i gave it value, i gave it validity by hearing it out and perceiving the possibility of it being true, even though i dont want it at all, I BELIEVED IT!!! i know it's clearly ocd, but i cannot tolerate the fact that i gave it validity and believed it even though not agreeing with it at all. what i want is for it to be wrong and for me to be confident about that, but this thing still happened. im very stressed and also disturbed and feel horrible for believing when i dont want to. i also had a forced egodystonic sudden thought like "huh why would it be wrong if one just did it for <pleasure>? doesn't make sense" in response to a particular disturbing ocd question but that was made it seem and placed as a generic question... as if i didn't want for it to be wrong under that generic circumstance and that is bothering me a lot, im afraid that even if it is egodystonic and i clearly dont believe it is right as i think with more effort and remove that cloud of momentary irrationality, that i still genuinely thought that for a moment, that that thought still happened, but i also remember it being an induced, automatic answer... maybe it's because it was formulated in a manner that made it for me to answer that way. maybe it was just an impulsive fast thought in reaction to the generic aspect and premise of that disturbing wrong question that wasnt thought enough and it doesn't really reflect truth and reality of what i believe. i cant tolerate that i had that thought. was i just manipulated into hearing out that question and i automatically believed that doubt and agreed with the doubt? i dont like that at all. I don't believe it is right, for me it's wrong and disgusting, so why did i have a suspension of the disbelief? im stressed the fuck out from this single moment. i hope that thought was intrusive, but also i know that i don't like it and dont agree with it, but still cannot tolerate that that thought took place. i don't know what to do. i cannot tolerate that i believed this ocd horrible take (even though not agreeing with it). im traumatised by what my ex friends did to me. im hoping it's one of the case that i call condition of existence, that in order to check a intrusive question your brain automatically sets it as "true" in the realm of that thought.

I’m struggling with something I’m afraid to even admit out loud. I’ve been in a long-term relationship with someone I love deeply. He’s kind, safe, and emotionally close to me — and we’ve built a life together. But I keep obsessing over the fact that I don’t feel much sexual attraction anymore. Or maybe… I never truly did? At the beginning, I felt butterflies, excitement, connection — and I assumed that meant I was also attracted to him physically. But now, after reading so much and reflecting more deeply, I’m starting to wonder if I ever truly felt sexual desire in the way I was “supposed to.” Maybe my feelings were more about emotional longing, comfort, and romantic closeness — but not sexual chemistry. And now I don’t know what that means. OCD makes it so much worse. It constantly tells me: – “If you really loved him, you’d want him.” – “You’re leading him on.” – “What if you’re lying to yourself?” – “If you try to fix this and fail, you’ll have to leave.” I feel stuck between wanting to fight for this relationship — and being terrified that trying will just prove it’s hopeless. Has anyone experienced something like this? Can OCD really make you question something so deeply personal? And how do you move forward when even trying feels terrifying? Any thoughts or support would mean the world right now.