Hocd.... I love my boyfriend with all my heart but I feel literally nothing. Numb. No love for anything. I want to be alone for the rest of my life because I don’t want to be a lesbian and I hate feeling so horrible putting someone I love so much through this bullshit. This makes me feel like I need to go out and try to be with a girl but then I lose him. Then me trying that sounds even more anxiety inducing and terrifying.

Does he know what you’re going through?

@Ocdandme123 Yup. I cry to him all the time unfortunately ? I feel so bad, I keep telling him my thoughts and he's probably so confused, just as much as I am ?but he's been really patient with me omg. Idk how I deserve him. I out him through so damn much im surprised he hasn't left

@NocturnalGyal Put *

@NocturnalGyal Mine knows too and I cry all the time to him too.. idk how he hasn’t left me either. I keep telling him I don’t want to put him through this and maybe I need to be alone even though I don’t want to ? and he tells me he’s not going anywhere. I’m just so scared. These feelings feel so real. Like I feel like I could go out and try to be with a girl and just need to at this point. But I don’t FU**ING WANT TO. Wtf??? I don’t want to live sometimes. I’m so depressed and I don’t ever know what to do

@Ocdandme123 OMG my bf says the same damn thing and as much as im so and relieved that he hasn't left me in the dust. These thoughts keep hammering away at my sanity and head, it all feels so real and then I just break down crying. & & same! I feel like im being forced to be with a woman at this point, as if I don't get to have a say in what I WANT. I legit already picture myself being with a woman, depressed, while I have to see my bf be with another woman. Sorry for the rant ??

@NocturnalGyal I’ve picture the same thing ? omg I’m so sorry. I feel your pain and it truly is horrible.

@Ocdandme123 Just here to say I’ve had the exact same experience. I don’t want to be with a man, but I feel like I have no choice. I feel stuck ALL the time, like I’ll never be satisfied either way. Many, many times I’ve thought that I should just start dating men because that’s who I really am, but I know that’s not true, even though it feels like it might be true sometimes. I don’t know what the solution is, but I’ve got to hope there is one.

I legit feel asexual because I’m so numb. And being intimate with my bf scares me beyond belief because the thought of what if I could be sexual like this but picture with a girl. It’s horrifying. I cry everyday.

@Ocdandme123 Litterally samw but I feel like people who are asexual don’t freak out as much as I’m also 15 and have other mental health issues so I know deep down I’m not

@cloudqueen Yeah ocd is hands down the most convincing traumatizing thing that exists. I had death ocd when I was 12 and it was extreme for a while and also had contamination ocd and still do to an extent. I’ve had health ocd and my doctor just would laugh cuz I came in so much. But this. This tops it all combined. I feel so messed up all the time

@Ocdandme123 Same these are definitely my worst I also had contamination and transgender ocd before

I don’t really avoid anything. And I’m also confused with that. Like do I purposely watch lesbian porn because that always turned me on before and never thought anything of it and my friends said the same but now I’m scared to watch it because I already know it turns me in. Or do I purposely watch a movie with lesbian content? I don’t know what to do

I’m seeing a therapist but not specialized in ocd. I’m aware I need to see an ocd specialist. I just don’t know who to go to because I want someone good. I’m over this shit

I got the mindfulness workbook for ocd by Jon hershfield

@Ocdandme123 Great book!