I am afraid to be around children because of the horrendous things I think of while being near them. I do not want to hurt children. My intrusive thoughts about pedophilia and abuse attack me. I only have 1 memory of me being sexually abused when I was around 5. A cousin, who was about 12 did it to me and my other female cousin. I do not have another memory of it happening, so I do not know if it did. Sometimes I feel ashamed to even mention it because I know others have been abused far often than I. Like it doesn’t count. I don’t know... anyway, after I realized this memory was not just another sick intrusive thought, that it actually happened, I have been weary of being near children. I believe because I have been through sexual abuse as a child that I too am capable of committing that crime.

POCD

Username: MJocdMJocd

Date posted: 5y ago

I was also sexually abused by a cousin only a few years older than me. I also never feel like it "counts" because other people have been through horrific things done by other adults. But it does. I remember the onset of my OCD being after that, and it truly affected me. I would not be surprised if the abuse you went through affected you so much that it contributed to you developing this theme. Remember people with POCD are severly and utterly against hurting a child, they avoid children at all costs. They would never, ever, ever do such a thing. You have an anxiety disorder, that's all. You're not capable of anything like that.

Username: cheeseduckcheeseduck

Date posted: 5y ago

Crazy that y’all are talking about the onset of OCD symptoms coming up after a sexual abuse incident. The same thing happened with me, and I never knew if it was legitimate. It was an older kid at my baby sitter’s house. In kindergarten. After that is when I started having debilitating panic attacks and horrible paranoia about people poisoning me or being imposters of themselves, out to kill me. These were all related to a danger/death obsession that has since plagued my life on and off. But it’s really wild for me to hear that other people had such a similar onset of OCD

Username: fababeanfababean

Date posted: 5y ago

@CheeseDuck Same. After experiencing that I felt waves of terrible nervous nausea and stomach aches. I became extremely sexual too. As a young child I had a sexual experiences with a girl my age. I still think about her and wonder if she hates me for it. I once believed to be pregnant from all the sexual feelings I had.

Username: fababeanfababean

Date posted: 5y ago

Thank you. You are kind. I need to find a therapist to help me through this. I do not want it to keep me from possibly beginning my own family one day.

Username: lizzy123lizzy123

Date posted: 5y ago

I have ptsd from childhood sex abuse from children just a few years older than me. I struggle with hocd from it. I was abused by both boys and girls. And saw porn at too young an age. I struggled with pocd for a little bit too. Ptsd and ocd are very similar and can co-exist.

Username: fababeanfababean

Date posted: 5y ago

I too was introduced to pornography at a young age. About 5. I experience violent sexual fantasies that I want inflicted on me.

Username: lizzy123lizzy123

Date posted: 5y ago

They may be memories. Or variations of memories. Thats how ptsd intrusive thoughts work. Fear of things happening because of past events. Are these fantasies unfomfortable?

Username: SoniclenSoniclen

Date posted: 5y ago

You can add me to this list. I’ve been on here before talking about developing repetitive safety behaviours as a child and then being plagued with a wide array of obsessions including sexual abuse, violence, responsibility, relationship and even paedophilia. I have had six months of therapy which has included EMDR- and frankly I recommend far more than something so blunt as exposure. I go against the grain: I think under ocd is often ptsd. These obsessions keep the brains panic under control and if that is threatened then the ptsd threatens to come out the box. The obsessions are manifestations of this. The link between trauma and nasty obsessions makes perfect sense. Explore your traumas, look at what is behind them. Maybe do exposure to drain the compulsive behaviour of life but the origin? Forget it. You need exploratory therapy, and EMDR has repeatable clinic randomised trials supporting is efficacy. Do it, a part of your brain is trying to master the abuse to counter the way you were ‘mastered’. This is natural instinct - brain sees a threat and wants you in control, but you were NOT in control when you were someone else’s sexual plaything. None of us were. THATS where your mind needs new learning.

Username: lizzy123lizzy123

Date posted: 5y ago

Emdr is the way to go with trauma!

Username: jbbb

Date posted: 5y ago

My Pure OCD/Harm OCD is triggered around my niece and nephew. I fear that because I experienced inappropriate sexual experiences with my cousins and siblings when I was a kid that I am going to turn into a pedophile as an adult. I know that what happened when we were kids was just kids exploring and we didn’t know it was wrong but it has traumatized me now as an adult. I remember reading an article as a kid that said if you were sexually abused as a kid you are more likely to become a pedophile as an adult. It’s really frustrating because I don’t usually get triggered by other kids and I’m generally fine with only mild pure o thoughts that I can control. But when I am left alone with my niece or nephew I get extremely anxious and the pure o thoughts rush in and it’s torture. But I feel okay if I’m with someone else Bcus I feel like I won’t be able to do anything harmful and my niece and nephew are more safe when I’m around others. I know I don’t want to hurt the because I love them and want the best for them. I am very protective of them. But the horrible anxiety and ocd makes me feel otherwise sometimes. I feel I’ll never be able to have kids because of this too. Anyone experience this too?

Username: zg23

Date posted: 5y ago

Need some advice here as I feel like such a sick twisted person..I feel like I may have sexual intrusive thoughts ocd but sometimes I think it’s just me and my twisted brain- intrusive thoughts about my family members has turned into pedophilia ocd and what makes it worse is that I work with children. Lately I’ve been seeing sexual intrusive images of me sexually abusing young children normally male, and I am obviously distressed by them and I would never act on that but it makes me feel like I would actually do that cause of the feeling I would get and it’s all so confusing and scary cause I would never do that to a child. Please someone help that has maybe been through a similar experience?

Username: bloop123

Date posted: 5y ago

I’ve never truly opened up about my story with anyone but I’d like to share with those who may understand.. Since I was 5 years old I have memories of (well I think they are memories although when I recall them, they feel like dreams. So they might have been or they’re just false memories) but I have this memory of engaging in not sexual acts but maybe kissing my older brother or maybe younger. Now it gave me so much anxiety because I had no idea and I still have no idea if it is true or not. That ate me alive for so long. But as a young girl I struggled with very bad anxiety, it was... well I’ve never officially got diagnosed with OCD but I read up on it a few years back and finally felt less alone. I always had intrusive sexual thoughts whether it was about children, family members, even God.. I had no idea what it was and I felt disgusted by it. It was unbearable anxiety. I’ve always struggled with those thoughts and depression and anxiety. But even as an adult, sometimes I may see a photo of my younger brother, who is now growing into a young man, and I get this thought or feeling of thinking he is cute. Which confuses me because I question myself and whether I am secretly attracted to him. Like what if I’m just using OCD as a justification? I’d never engage in any kind of sexual activity with any family member, that just sounds DISGUSTING. But I really am confused. And it makes me wonder. Was I abused as a child? And do I not remember? I don’t know

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