My hocd is taking over my life. It’s making me even question if I truly love my boyfriend because I absolutely feel nothing because I am so fucking depressed. I want this so badly to go away ? I know I love him. I just feel nothing. This hocd feels so real. I keep having visions of my life in the future being with a girl and it feels so weird. I don’t absolutely hate it but I don’t want it. But then I picture my life with my bf and it’s hard to see it. It’s hard to see anything. It’s hard to feel anything. I’m so lost and so scared ?

I know :( I don’t want it at all but it’s kinda okay in my head. Still don’t want it though. But don’t hate it

Do you ever feel disconnected from your bf? And then the HOCD gets worse?

@NocturnalGyal Yes that happens. Actually it happens to feel disconnected several times, even with friends or family, and you? It feels like it doesn't allow you to be happy or enjoy the moments as you wish you could

@Itsme Yes!!!! I can't even enjoy a good laugh with my bf rn without my brain telling me I'm forcing it. I csnt enjoy anything anymore. Barely watch tv in peace, can't even watch YouTube videos or listen to music. This is so frustrating and sad and im just so scared that I might just have to break up with him.

@NocturnalGyal I FEEL THE SAME!!!! ??? I just want my old life back, and I'm scared to have this forever. My boyfriend tells me I have to ignore the thoughts, but they just appear in my mind, I have zero control about it. I feel that it's so hard to explain how we feel about this stupid hocd

@Itsme RIGHT??? and I don't want my bf to get sad because once he loses hope, then I'll lose hope ??? it's so terrible I hate this so much, idk how im supposed to live a normal life anymore

@NocturnalGyal ? We're not alone and we must support each other! We'll get through this ??????

Yes I had a couple things add up. I read a story on a girl having a boyfriend of 5 years then realized she was never IN love with him and broke up with him after making out with a girl ate her alive. Then read people comments about how they left their husbands for a woman. And then I had a guy tell me I was gonna become lesbian with my friend as a joke and then I had laser hair removeal done on my vagina lol and I felt so uncomfortable and was sweating and nauseous and that’s what set it off. Absolutely nuts. Like a light switch. The first two led up to it going off but the third thing was the switch. It’s been since the beginning of October for me. I can’t do anything normal now. I am distant from everything. I also feel like I’m forcing to be happy with my bf but only because I’m so so depressed. I have been seeing a therapist but just scheduled an apt with an actual ocd specialist so I hope I can get the help i need. I have got to push through this because I do not want to be with a damn woman. I want to be with a fucking man like wtf. I want to marry my boyfriend. I seriously just scream sometimes. I can’t control the thoughts either. It’s the secon I wake up they rush in and they are there all day.

@Ocdandme123 Ommnngg that story scares me ??? I also suffer from ROCD ???????? Holy shit I hate this. I don't want to be with a woman either but it feels like that's what my brain is telling me I have to do!!! It's just not fair! All i want is my bf but everytime I see a woman, it's like I "have to be with them instead of my bf"

@NocturnalGyal I know. I am a hair stylist so I have non stop girls in my chair and I have to touch them washing their hair and I feel so uncomfortable. I don’t want to go to work ever ? and whenever I have a client that is pretty or I get along with immidiately like an instant connection I’m like oh god I am a lesbian and have to be with her or them. I absolutely fucking hate it. It consumes my life. It seriously is like I just feel like I have to be with a woman to end this madness but I don’t want to ? I don’t want to leave my bf. I don’t want to feel like this ?

@Ocdandme123 Right??? It's like mjy brain can't differentiate between friendship attraction and romantic attraction??!?!?!! IT'S SO EXHAUSTING and it's making me feel so hopeless. All of this just feels so unnatural for me and idk what to do

@NocturnalGyal I know I can’t tell the difference either ? I can’t tell the difference between just pretty or am I actually attracted to them or sexually attracted to them. I can’t tell. I don’t know because I feel constant nervousness, anxiety, tightness. That’s why I can’t feel what’s real. I’m a anxious wreck all day everyday. Feels like I’m being suffocated to death. Is therapy helping you?

@Ocdandme123 Eh. It's been really about controlling my anxiety right now. I've recently started CBT so I will see how that goes. I started with talk therapy but the process has been very very long and I'm getting impatient because I just need answers asap

@NocturnalGyal Same. More like cry therapy for me. All I do is cry. I want treatment. Treatment to help get me better ?

How long have you and your bf been together?!

@Ocdandme123 We've been together for almost 3 years :( how about you?

@NocturnalGyal That’s a long time! Almost a year. And this just came out of nowhere the beginning of October. Like it’s truly awful. I felt none of this before. And now it’s all I think about. I just want it to go back to how it was with him ? I literally feel nothing. And I’m so scared it’s either a sign I’m not suppose to be with him or a sign I am finding out I’m into girls. I’m scared I don’t want to be with him or love him anymore because I just feel nothing ? it used to be so easy to see the future with him and now it’s all fucking fogged with visions of being with a girl the rest of my life. And it doesn’t make me happy. It makes me feel nothing. I don’t want that.

@Ocdandme123 SAME! I feel everything you're feeling right now. It's truly scary and I wish everything could just go back to normal. All I ever wanted was to spend my life with my bf but everything seems so out of reach right now and it hurts me because I only want him, no one else. ????

@NocturnalGyal Me too ? what are some things he tells you about this?

@Ocdandme123 He just tells me that he's not going anywhere because I'm so scared of losing him. My mind is completely fucked right now. And I'm so confused on what to do. I can barely spend time with him without my mind racing and ruining it. I'm crying all the time

@NocturnalGyal I cry almost everyday. And he’s just there for me but he tells me he doesn’t know what to say anymore. He tells me he’s not going anywhere and we will get through this together but I just feel like I’m going to give up and have to leave him because these thoughts. Or he’s going to get sick of me and leave me. I hate this. I hate everything.

How do you manage to stay with him if these thoughts have been there so long? How have you not gone crazy and felt like you need to leave him to test it out or see if it’s a real thing? ? it eats me alive and I’m trapped and I feel like that’s what I’m going to end up doing but I don’t want to at all. What are your tips to stay in it that long. How do you bear it