OCD won’t allow me to enjoy anticipated events

I try to make a life for myself that is enjoyable with things to look forward to, and I anticipate/look forward to these lovely plans (holidays with friends, festivals, concerts), then when I’m there it’s as though I am paralysed by my thoughts. It feels like a numbing, overwhelming dread that I’m not being in the moment, I’m not enjoying myself enough, that it’s showing to others and I’m impacting their experience through my non verbal/moody exterior. The only thing I can liken it to- as with the majority of obsessions- is like when you’re trying to read something and you’re concentrating so much on trying to concentrate that you’re not even fully taking in what you’re reading. I leave these things with an immense amount of regret and guilt, and each time I swear I’m going to remember this feeling and do my best to allow myself to enjoy it next time. Then when it happens again, I feel even more annoyance and guilt. Today I feel genuinely awful, I can’t stop crying. I’ve talked about it in therapy, though my therapist wants to unpack whether there is truth to these thoughts and I think that makes it worse. She has suggested that maybe I just don’t enjoy these things and to think about what I would enjoy doing instead. But everything I do is an extension of my interests, I’m not being untrue to myself. I adore my friends, I love music, I love travelling- all my plans exercise that. It’s really hard to convey that they are completely irrational obsessions, I am aware how irrational they are, but I can’t stop letting it win. Can anyone relate? Or advise on how to articulate this in therapy?

"Pure" OCD

MichelleV

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 22w

I relate to this so deeply. I struggled with this myself for quite a while, and it really sucks. I’m sorry you’re experiencing it too. For me, I was always worried of making the wrong decision when on trips/outings with my friends (if I chose the wrong lunch spot, would it ruin the whole day? What if they weren’t happy with their food and it was just a total mood killer?). I also worried about not being present enough, not being overjoyed all day, not being in the just right mood. When I went to the aquarium with my best friend, I was obsessing over whether or not I was moving us too fast through the exhibits. My advice is to work on accepting the doubts and guilt, and continue to show up. Maybe you are ruining their experiences, or maybe they don’t even know you’re thinking that. Who knows? Is your therapist an OCD therapist? If so, they should help you come up with plans or exposures.

fla.oli

Date posted: 20d

I relate 100% to what you wrote. Yesterday I experienced exactly the same thing: I went to a concert of a band I’m a huge fan of, something that was a dream for me. But when I was there, the pressure to enjoy the moment and feel everything intensely took over, and I ended up not being able to enjoy it at all. I left the concert very sad, as if my OCD had stolen the moment. It’s exactly as you describe: a feeling of being blocked, paralyzed by thoughts, and unable to be fully in the moment. It doesn’t just happen at concerts — even on holidays, when I plan things I love and want to enjoy, I feel the same way. It’s like OCD is always there, stopping me from truly feeling the joy I was expecting. It’s comforting to see I’m not the only one who experiences this.

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