I feel like I'm going to explode...

@Carrie Wells thank you very much for your reply. I have incest ocd, and he always sexualizes that person's grimaces and face, but what scares me the most is that I first get a feeling similar to the groin, and then I associate it with my thoughts, and now it happened to me with this animal and all of a sudden... I literally don't know what else he was thinking about himself, except that I feel desperate and miserable, that I can't get out of this... as if I live in a constant ocd of my brain...

@Anonimus ME 🦋 - Hey—thank you so much for being open about this. I can really feel how scary and overwhelming this has been, and I want to say clearly: You are not alone in this experience. What you’re describing is something I see so often in OCD, especially with themes around incest or animals—things that are deeply taboo and distressing because they go against your values. That sensation you feel before the thought? That groinal twinge or strange bodily reaction? It doesn’t mean you liked something or wanted it. It's just a physical reflex. Our bodies can respond to shock, disgust, confusion, fear—and then OCD steps in and says, “See? That means something about you.” But it doesn’t. What makes OCD so cruel is how it keeps you trapped in these meaning-making spirals—like you have to analyze, solve, and make sense of something that really isn’t meant to be solved at all. And of course, the more you try to figure it out, the more stuck you feel. You don’t need to convince yourself that it didn’t mean anything—you just need to stop treating it like it does. And I know that’s easier said than done, so here’s a little script that might help when the spiral starts. OCD Spiral Self-Talk Script: “Okay, I’m having that feeling again. It’s uncomfortable, it’s scary, and my brain is rushing in to try to figure it out. But I know what this is. It’s OCD. It’s trying to convince me that a physical sensation means something dark or dangerous about me. But feelings and thoughts aren’t facts. I don’t need to solve this. I don’t need to know why it happened. My job right now is to let it be here without trying to escape or analyze it. I’m allowed to feel unsettled and keep going with my day. I’m choosing to treat this like noise, not truth. This isn’t me. This is just a brain glitch. I don’t have to follow it.”

@Carrie Wells Your words really mean a lot to me. You understand well, I always feel something first and then think, and that feeling seems to me that there is always something so morbid in me, when I have a feeling of stimulation in my body, which I interpret as sexual, I don't even feel fear anymore, I just close myself in and feel that I simply have nowhere to run...

@Anonimus ME 🦋 - That moment—where your body reacts before your thoughts even catch up—can feel so violating. Almost like your own body is betraying you. And then OCD comes in and paints that reaction as “proof” that something is deeply wrong with you. But that’s not the truth. That’s OCD’s illusion, and it’s so convincing when you’re in the thick of it. And now it’s even harder, because you’re not even reacting with fear—you’re just shutting down. That numb, trapped, “I have nowhere to run” feeling? That’s what happens when OCD and shame pile up over time. It’s not because you are bad or broken—it’s because you’ve been carrying an invisible war inside your head for so long, and it’s exhausting. But here’s what I want to gently offer: You’re not stuck forever. This “I feel something and then I spiral” cycle can be unlearned. You can retrain your brain to stop attaching meaning to sensations. You can start responding with gentleness and neutrality, rather than fear or shame. You don’t have to run away—you just need a new way to be with what shows up. Just let it be and give it no attention. Don't allow OCD to convince you of anything.

@Carrie Wells that's the hardest thing for me, to let go, to not believe, that's how it feels real... but, yes, you're right, I've been doing it for a very long time, and I'd like to, but I can't find that new way, I can't adopt it, and trust it...

@Anonimus ME 🦋 - https://kimberleyquinlan-lmft.com/acceptance-scripts-with-jon-grayson-ep-341/ I share this often as I think it really encapsulates the importance of acceptance. I've listened to it more times than I can count. See what you think.

@Carrie Wells I'll listen to it, thank you, I'll write you an email, if maybe we can arrange a session, you're very reassuring... I'm writing my impressions when I listen to this..

@Carrie Wells I listened, I really have a problem with acceptance, not only thoughts, but also those feelings, like in the podcast "I can see myself doing it" or "I see myself enjoying it" or "I see that someone enjoying it" and I can't accept that feeling as OCD, because I have the feeling that it's mine, not imposed...

@Anonimus ME 🦋 - I hear you—and I just want to say: this right here is the heart of the pain for so many people with OCD. Not just the thoughts, but the feelings. The sense that “this isn’t just OCD—it feels like me.” That’s the trap. That’s the part that makes people doubt themselves so relentlessly. OCD doesn’t always feel intrusive. Sometimes it feels like you. That’s what makes it so tormenting. You don’t have to feel acceptance right now. You just have to stop feeding the loop—and that can start with the tiniest willingness to not argue with it. If you’d like additional support, feel free to book a free call with our NOCD team. We’d be happy to share more information and explore ways to help. No one has to live in fear of their own thoughts.

@Carrie Wells thank you, for me these feelings are caused not only by thoughts, but also by certain voices, the way someone breathes, like the groin, I don't know, that's why I'm extra scared... of course I want to work with you, but if there is some chat therapy, English is not my native language...

@Anonimus ME 🦋 - You are incredibly brave for continuing to speak honestly, especially in a language that’s not your first—it shows how much you care about healing. I can’t tell you how much that matters. And yes—I hear you. What you’re experiencing isn’t “just thoughts.” It’s voices, breathing sounds, physical sensations—all kinds of sensory input that get tangled up with this terrifying feeling that you’re responding in a way you shouldn’t. That’s part of why this feels so overwhelming. OCD doesn’t just attack your thoughts—it hijacks your senses, your body, your identity. And when it all blends together, it can feel impossible to tell what’s real and what’s OCD. But here’s the truth: A groinal response isn’t consent. A reaction to a sound isn’t desire. Feeling something uncomfortable doesn’t make it meaningful. These are all just triggers. OCD turns normal or even unwanted body reactions into evidence of something sinister—but that doesn’t make it true. You said something important: “That’s why I’m extra scared.” Yes. Because your fear is saying, “If this isn’t caused by thought alone, maybe it really is who I am.” But OCD doesn’t care what the trigger is—a word, a sound, a voice, a breath, a facial expression—it just needs something that hits the most vulnerable, tender place in your heart, and it grabs hold. The more it matters to you, the more it targets it.

@Carrie Wells yes, that's right! And without thinking, without anything, he just "hits me" with those feelings, and then the cycle starts... thank you, and if it's hard for me to believe that it's just ocd, somehow you can explain it nicely..

@ifeelstuck thank you for the advice. It's really hard for me to deal with the feelings that arise before any imagining, and then with imagining it...it's the same with the subject of incest...really thank you, it's very hard...

@YouWillSurvive yes, I agree with you, but the feeling comes to me first, and then I become aware of the feeling and the analysis..

@Anonimus ME 🦋 If you've already primed yourself to be hyper-aware of feelings of arousal to things that shouldn't be arousing, anything that is triggering will induce thoughts, feelings, and physical sensations. Now over time, the compulsion of checking your body for signs of arousal and the triggering thing will become so closely entwined that you will certainly feel sensations of arousal before you even recognize them. The two things will happen in such quick succession that you can't tell which one comes first anymore. I've been dealing with a new wave of OCD because that is exactly what happened to me... The checking compulsion and trigger became so stuck together that it felt like I was just automatically getting aroused by my triggers, and it really felt like it "wasn't OCD anymore" and was my true reaction. Remember that the mind moves so so quick, quicker than you realize.

@YouWillSurvive oh really? Yes, I'm getting a groin feeling or that I like everything now, breaths, sounds, such videos, faces... and that primarily only happens, then the rest, and that's why I'm frozen...

@Anonimus ME 🦋 My brain sexualizes just about everything too. Anything even remotely sexual induces some sort of reaction in me. Probably my years and years of porn use that exacerbated this!

@YouWillSurvive well, I didn't watch pornography, but you see..I think that years of analysis or some moral standards have deepened this...so it's still a part of ocd...I've had it since I was 16, and now I'm over 30, but there were years when I was ok

@Anonimus ME 🦋 Moral scrupulosity plays a big part in OCD, part of the reason why harm and sexual themes are so depressing

@YouWillSurvive yes..probably, thank you, I guess I'll manage to go numb once

@HOY Thank you for your support and sharing your experience. It definitely seems bad, but certainly, it means a lot to me, really support from everyone here and you... I really appreciate you...I hope you're well too, I'm certainly a little better, but it takes a long time to accept all this and change my approach...