Buspar Dreams

17f I was taking a bus and there was a group of children taking it too, like a kindergarten group. I tried to find a place where I thought children are not going to sit but one sat next to me anyway And the thing is that when I need to pee I become a bit physically aroused? Idk I've googled it and it's not that uncommon. Also the vibration from the bus gives me a bit of a groinal response yk since I sit on a seat which vibrates I mean I wasn't even really aroused that much it was a light sensation which was easy to ignore because I was on my phone But im scared I'm like a predator or something cause I didn't leave the bus immediately and had a groinal response when the kid was next to me I dont worry that it was the kid who was the reason of it (I mean not yet maybe I will freak out about it later) I'm just scared it's not appropriate to feel something like that while im next to a child even if he is not the reason of it But I tried to just ignore it and thought that I'm probably being dramatic After couple stops I got too anxious and got off the bus to wait to the next one which I hoped is not going to be full of kids But I'm scared that I'm a bad person and a sexual predator cause I didn't leave immediately after I had this thoughts While writing this post I got on another bus and sat at a seat but there js a child on the bus too not next to me but still not that far from me but I'm scared because of social anxiety people will look at me weirdly if I randomly change seats after I already sat but at the same time what if I'm being a pervert Like I don't even see the kid and stuff but still I'm scared am I a pervert or something Like is it predatory to be aroused near a child? Like the child is not the reason of it, u just are, and I wadnt purposely making myself aroused I just couldn't really help it But maybe I should've left the bus immediately? I mean I did but only after a couple stops because I thought that maybe is not that much of a big deal and I'm being dramatic

Why are things so real the first time they’re in my mind and then when I think about it later it’s easier for me to be like wtf?? I was watching a movie earlier and the young girl had developed more in the chest area than the last movie and I felt the desire to check her out so I did. Then later I let myself imagine her having sex and I liked it. But now looking back I’m like ew. The boys in the movie have also developed as the movie went on and I couldn’t help but think that in their real life they’ve probably woken up to boners and s*men and stuff. And looking back it’s just ugh. Idk if it’s sexual relevance but I genuinely let myself indulge in these thoughts and groinal responses and I remember thinking to myself I don’t want to be attracted to little kids and how do I stop myself (everyone has attractive qualities so in younger boys I see man like qualities). Idk I need help. I wouldn’t type this out if I truly believe I was messed up but I’m still scared

My mind is telling me I'm the only one who is dealing with something like this. Idk why I did my biggest BIGGEST fear. I was put on a new medication when this happened which caused me to spiral, my thoughts to be more often, and have insomnia. I have been diagnosed with POCD as well. I woke up in the middle of the night when my child was laying completely cross my chest. I was breathing and having groinal sensations. My mind told me that I assaulted her by this, and I was going to prison for it. My thoughts started going like this, "you're already bad might as well do something else", "no sense in stopping now" "you can finally do what you've always wanted", "what would you do if you could do anything to cause harm" So I had to think of what to do in the moment. The only thing I could think to do was move my elbow towards my child's groin. In the moment it felt like I really wanted to do this. I proceeded to do so, and my elbow touched her groin. I immediately told my child to move off me. I then went back to sleep. When I woke up, I began panicking, confessing to a family member what happened, and crying immensely. I feel like I failed as a mother. I'm in such distress since I started sleeping on the floor to avoid it from happening again, and I got off the medication. I'm so much better OCD wise since I got off the meds. I was the BEST mom months ago before this happened. The thoughts have always bothered me, and I was always scared I would give in and act on them. I'm living my worst nightmare. I feel alone. Felt so so wanted in the moment and SO real. Which I don't understand. Ugh. Could someone just give me some support?